CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
GRESHAM, OR—Poking his head into every room just to be safe, local man Kevin Lorgen reportedly checked his entire apartment Friday to make sure no one else was home before recording a song into his laptop.
SACRAMENTO, CA—Admitting that her lack of a Facebook account often leaves her feeling disconnected, local woman Laura Starling confirmed Wednesday that she’s entirely out of touch with her friends’ prejudices.
PARKVILLE, MD—Disappointed by the recent decrease in the frequency of new threads as well as a seeming influx of uneducated new users, local man and SandyHookTalk.com regular Brett Patchke complained Tuesday about the site’s notable decline in discussion quality.
NEW ORLEANS—Explaining that casually dropping the little-known fact into conversations “never gets old,” local man Derek Matheson told reporters Monday he always gets a bit of a rush from informing others that John Lennon physically abused his first wife, Cynthia Powell.
EDMOND, OK—Admitting that the repeated attempts to meddle in their lives were really starting to grate on them, local couple Alice and Richard Bloom told reporters Thursday they were sick of their 31-year-old son constantly trying to set them up with other middle-aged parents.
FRANKFORT, KY—Displaying nearly forgotten ghosts from his past like a hazy window through time, the list of names appearing on local resident Paul Thurman’s Gchat sidebar read like a catalog of the man’s former lives and identities, the 27-year-old graphic designer reported Wednesday.
LURAY, VA—Beaming with pride after he slotted the final turkey sandwich into place, local dad Steve Fowler’s eyes reportedly welled up Friday at the sight of a perfectly packed cooler for the family’s weekend trip to the beach.
KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of his life.
WILKES-BARRE, PA—Oblivious to the intense feelings of arousal coursing through the pre-adolescent’s body, local man Pete Strahl reportedly introduced his children to the film Field Of Dreams Monday evening, not knowing that its male lead, played by Kevin Costner, was sparking his son’s sexual awakening.
HARTFORD, CT—Having made the difficult but compassionate decision to remove their ailing grandfather from life support Friday, members of the Jarrett family were reportedly unaware that in doing so, they were sending the 86-year-old directly to hell.
FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
PHOENIX—Attempting to conceal its wrinkles while carefully brushing its fabric clean of lint and stray threads, local man David Cutler was said to be getting his futon all dolled up Thursday for a Craigslist photo shoot.
RICHMOND, VA—Noting how thoroughly he had prepared himself for any potential scenario, sources confirmed that the backup plan local man Connor Foreman devised Tuesday in case his desired menu item was out of stock at Frank’s Diner was the most well-thought-out part of his life.
BROCKTON, MA—Saying the plot was jumping all over the place and had become extremely hard to follow, onlookers confirmed this afternoon that 7-year-old Brendan Milner has been unable to maintain a single cohesive storyline while playing with his action figures.
CHICAGO—Explaining that he’s always trying out new tactics and carefully crafted phrases in an effort to connect with members of the demographic group, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Rob Benson spends the majority of both his work and personal life desperately attempting to appeal to women 18 to 34 years old.
DENTON, MD—Gathering in the school’s hallways and around lunch tables to exchange stories about the 11-year-old, students at McLane Junior High reported Monday that some crazy shit must have happened to their classmate Jacob Morse, who is currently being raised by his grandmother.
BOSTON—Reading the message aloud to several of his friends while out at a local bar Thursday night, area man Jason Schwerbein, 26, gleefully mocked a worried text from his mother as if it were the demented ramblings of a village idiot.
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.
DERBY, KS—Solemnly setting down the remainder of his Turkey Bacon Ranch sub and lowering his eyes to the few chips left on his plate, local man Paul DePietro reportedly took a moment Thursday to quietly reflect on the fact that most of his lunch was already gone.
HARTFORD, CT—Insisting there was still plenty left to eat, local party hosts Dana and Mark Randolph reportedly encouraged late-arriving guest Jonathan Morse this weekend to load up on food that had been sitting out in the sun for the past four hours.
CHICAGO—Noting how it glided effortlessly over the stainless steel surface, sources reported Wednesday that an ice cube that had been tossed into the sink at McDouglas Marketing Associates was flying up the side of the basin like a skateboarder shredding the half-pipe at an extreme sports exhibition.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
NEW YORK—Unable to ignore the incessant clatter arising from the man’s cubicle, several Westerbrook Financial employees confirmed Friday that their coworker Eric Ford was noisily typing away at his desk like a 1930s cub reporter chasing a hot lead.
ORLANDO, FL—Saying they instantly fell in love with the good-natured golden retriever, members of the Judd family reportedly chose Thursday to adopt a different dog from an animal shelter than their reincarnated grandfather.
VAIL, CO—Trekking well beyond the comfortable terrain of the first few pages of his Google search, local man Bruce Costas, 35, was reportedly forced to venture deep into the harsh wilds of the internet Wednesday to have his opinion confirmed by outside sources.