AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.
CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.
CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
ASHEBORO, NC—Quietly slinking into his office’s break room after spying the unattended confections from afar, area marketing associate Dan Keegan reportedly approached a box of powdered doughnuts Monday like a pine snake discovering an unguarded clutch of bluebird eggs.
MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.
BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.
OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing.
SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair.
MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
RIDGEWOOD, NJ—Corroborating evidence gleaned from several purported sightings of the couple, lunchroom sources reported Tuesday that the boyfriend of high school junior Annie Sabatino is like 23 or something.
PORTLAND, OR—Pointing out that the total dipshit had dropped dozens of acorns all along the length of pavement, sources confirmed Thursday that a completely idiotic tree keeps trying to plant seeds on the sidewalk.
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Explaining that the pressure was on to drive this thing home after setting the bar so high right off the bat, sources reported Tuesday that local office worker Jackie Sosa really needs to stick the landing to the sentence she just began with “Oh my God.”
WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.
MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.
ROCKVILLE, MD—Staring attentively at the potential prey while carefully weighing its best course of action, local cat Jasper was reportedly locked in an intense internal debate Wednesday about whether or not to rip the head off a smaller creature it had just happened upon.
DEKALB, IL—Painstakingly sifting through multiple social media accounts as she cross-referenced a series of names, dates, and locations, area woman Alexis Gill, 28, reportedly pieced together a timeline of her boyfriend’s past relationships Tuesday like a detective hot on the trail of the Zodiac Killer.
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.
STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation.
SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.