God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

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Vol 46 Issue 41

NFL Considers Building Second Stadium

NEW YORK—NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced Monday that, after years of deliberation, NFL team owners will vote on the proposed construction of a second football stadium in order to ease current difficulties with scheduling and overcrowding.

Brady Quinn Hasn't Heard That Name In Ages

DENVER—Upon overhearing visitors to the Broncos training facility inquire about third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, a young but grizzled Brady Quinn was seen to lean forward, raise his eyebrows, frown thoughtfully, and cast his eyes upward in appa...

Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks

MONESSEN, PA—Recreational cyclist Ethan Coseglia, 38, thoroughly explained the benefits of wearing $35 bike-riding socks to his friend Kevin Washburn Friday, saying that his specially designed socks are essential in optimizing his overall cycling performance.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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