GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game.
BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury.
STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying.
WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.
President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
CLARKSVILLE, TN—Explaining that people need to be critical of the news stories that circulate on social media these days, area Facebook user James Wheatley, 44, reportedly took the time to verify the truth of an article he came across Thursday by carefully checking it against the opinions he already holds.
SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.
CEDAR PLAINS, PA—After years of delays and mounting criticism from voters and political pundits, President Barack Obama finally followed through on a campaign promise he made in 2008 to spend one night alone in the abandoned Cedar Plains Family Fun amusement park, sources confirmed Wednesday.
ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.
SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.