LOS ANGELES—Concerned moviegoing citizens across the nation issued an urgent appeal to Hollywood studios this week to make more films in which a guy is shot multiple times in the chest and then, later on, is revealed to have been wearing a bulletproof vest the whole time.
LOS ANGELES—Hollywood leading man Brad Pitt hissed and skittered away into the safety of the woods surrounding his house Friday after reading a screenplay from his agent and detecting the musk of fellow actor Chris Pine on its pages, numerous sources reported.
WASHINGTON—Viewing the latest entertainment coverage of the 23-year-old singer and actor with great satisfaction, pleased citizens across the U.S. announced Thursday that Selena Gomez had completed her transition into a sexualized plaything just as they had expected.
NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.
This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide moviegoers with the information they need to determine which films are appropriate for them to see, the Motion Picture Association of America announced Tuesday the addition of a new rating to alert audiences of movies that are not based on existing works.
NEW YORK—Staggering onto the stage at a promotional event for the popular podcast, a trembling, blood-drenched Sarah Koenig reportedly revealed Wednesday that producers had finally selected the topic for the upcoming second season of Serial.
‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says
LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help open new doors for the many women struggling to readjust to life after performing, officials from the Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists spoke to reporters Thursday about the union’s new job-training program for 30-year-old actresses who have aged out of the workforce.
LOS ANGELES—Noting that ticket sales nationwide have fallen to a 20-year low, a study published Friday by the Motion Picture Association of America found that movie theater attendance continues to decline as more Americans choose to act out films at home.
ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.
AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Calling it another heinous act designed to shock the conscience, international experts confirmed Thursday that members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS recently destroyed a Hofner bass guitar signed by music legend Paul McCartney.
ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
WASHINGTON—Saying that any further endeavors of technical skill and imagination were pointless, experts at the Smithsonian Institution reportedly questioned Monday why new art was still being produced after the pinnacle of aesthetic and creative potential was reached in 1990 with Megadeth’s fourth studio album, Rust In Peace.
ROSWELL, GA—Expressing his desire for a high-caliber talent with the creative vision to do justice to the film’s promotion, local man Jeff Crews told reporters Friday he has a list of dream marketers he’d love to see handle the next Spider-Man movie.
Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:
LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.
NEW YORK—Shocking the literary world once again, acclaimed author Harper Lee announced through her publisher Tuesday the surprise release of her third novel, My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune.
The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:
San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference
ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
WASHINGTON—Expressing their frustration with the casting for the new Fantastic Four film, comic book fans across the country were reportedly adamant Monday that the superhero the Human Torch should be played by an actor who is actually engulfed in flames.
EW YORK—Saying the series’s latest dramatic turn caught them completely off guard, fans of the HBO series Game Of Thrones reacted with shock to Sunday night’s episode in which some little goblin or something was killed off.
Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.
LOS ANGELES—Noting that she’s always present for recording sessions and has been increasingly vocal about the group’s musical direction, disgruntled bandmates of Rivers Cuomo privately complained this week that the singer’s wife, Kyoko Ito, is becoming the fifth Weezer.
LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.
GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—In an effort to accommodate passengers who wish to relax and get some rest during their ride, amusement park operator Six Flags confirmed Friday it had begun to add sleeper cars to all its roller coasters throughout North America.
The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years
Promising that the sequel would continue to follow the impressive feats of an incredible group of revenue streams, executives at Marvel Studios confirmed Friday that Avengers: Age Of Ultron picks up right where the first film’s profits left off.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
LOS ANGELES—In a solemn ceremony held Thursday alongside the infinity pool at his Malibu estate, actor Chris Hemsworth reportedly deputized well-regarded local hunk Troy Richardson to assume all “Sexiest Man Alive” duties in his absence.
After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...
ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks."
SOMERVILLE, MA—Noting that he only needs to watch 26 full episodes of the political drama, local man Ben Atwell revealed Thursday that catching up on the previous two seasons of the Netflix show House Of Cards should be depressingly manageable.
LOS ANGELES—Revealing that the success of such relationships is far less certain than typically assumed, a report released Wednesday by UCLA’s Department of Sociology found that only 40 percent of celebrities ultimately end up marrying their s...
HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack o...
GALVESTON, TX—Saying that the red carpet fashions were too luscious to be consumed in a hurry, 32-year-old marketing manager Gabrielle Lauriston reportedly kept the Vanity Fair “Oscars Best-Dressed” slideshow tab open Monday to be...
LOS ANGELES—Saying they’d be a bit surprised if there wasn’t at least something to nibble on, the 1,500 invitees to the official after-party of the 87th Academy Awards admitted Sunday that they were not sure if the gala event would have ...
HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
LOS ANGELES—Perched forlornly in the rafters above the merriment of the 87th Annual Academy Awards, the Dolby Theatre Hunchback stared down in longing at the beautiful guests sitting in the hall below, sources confirmed Sunday.
LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history ...
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Explaining how the timeless clash between the two sides remains among the most elemental forms of storytelling worldwide, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Oxford University has concluded that virtually all modern narrative...
LOS ANGELES—Calling it a great opportunity for viewers to see some lesser-known talent, event organizers confirmed this week that local Los Angeles-area awards show the SoCal Music Honors will open for the Grammys Sunday night.
MODESTO, CA—Saying he is willing to do all the hard work necessary to succeed in the music business, local teenager and aspiring recording artist Morgan Reyes told reporters Sunday that he is in his garage every day crafting a widely marketable pers...
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.
ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.
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Morgan Spurlock's Experiment To Try Heroin Enters 200th Day