WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant.
ANN ARBOR, MI—Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced seizures, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh was reportedly disappointed Friday upon learning that his electroshock therapy session was over so soon.
MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers.
TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night.
CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice.
APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers.
PHILADELPHIA—A report published Thursday by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania has determined that 38 percent of all road trips end with the traveling group of companions burying one of their members in a shallow grave in the desert.
With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step
ROCKVILLE, MD—Staring attentively at the potential prey while carefully weighing its best course of action, local cat Jasper was reportedly locked in an intense internal debate Wednesday about whether or not to rip the head off a smaller creature it had just happened upon.
CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.
VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards.
NEW YORK—Sighing contentedly as the evening’s stresses melted away, Donald Trump reportedly kicked back and relaxed after the first presidential debate Monday night by slipping into his nice, warm personal reality, sources confirmed.
Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
DEKALB, IL—Painstakingly sifting through multiple social media accounts as she cross-referenced a series of names, dates, and locations, area woman Alexis Gill, 28, reportedly pieced together a timeline of her boyfriend’s past relationships Tuesday like a detective hot on the trail of the Zodiac Killer.
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.
WASHINGTON—Highlighting its strong showing at the first presidential debate Monday, a Gallup report released this morning revealed that hopeless resignation has received a substantial bump in the polls.