adBlockCheck

$11,000 A Year Doesn't Go As Far As You Probably Think

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

$11,000 A Year Doesn't Go As Far As You Probably Think

When people hear I make $11,000 a year, they're usually pretty surprised. And I can't say I blame them. It's a handsome salary to command. But sometimes I think they have the wrong impression, imagining me living some sort of extravagant lifestyle. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but $11,000 a year simply doesn't go as far as you probably think.

Now, make no mistake: I'm comfortable. Working 35 hours a week washing dishes at Olive Garden, my expenses are met, and I get a heck of a lot of perks. But, no, my friends, it's not all limousines and champagne. You'd be amazed how fast that kind of money goes.

To illustrate what I'm saying, let's break down the $11,000. That's $915 a month. Right off the bat, my rent and utilities take $350 out. I realize I could live someplace a little cheaper, like the boarding house or the Y, but I work hard, and I choose to reward myself with a nice efficiency. So already we're down to $575.

Now, I can't very well walk from my apartment to the Olive Garden on Plaza Parkway, so I gotta lay out more scratch for transportation. My monthly bus pass costs $30, so now we're down to $545.

You blue-collar types may not realize it, but working in the field that I do, I am required to present an attractive and professional appearance at all times. That's not just my preference; it's on the employee-conduct sheet I was given when I first got hired. I must wear a nice white shirt and clean black pants every shift. Between the regular wear and tear and the occasional accident, I can spend up to $10 a month at the laundromat. I'm not kidding! Takes dough to make dough, the old saying goes.

Now, believe it or not, rich guys gotta eat, too. And, the sad fact is, Shurfine macaroni and cheese ain't free. So that's a good $26 down the hopper each month for food, more if there's a holiday and I decide to treat myself to some primo Kraft stuff. That, I admit, is one of the dandier perks of wealth: If I feel like it, I can buy some premium-brand macaroni and cheese, and the money will be there. But I have to work for it, you know: My life isn't just lounging around and sipping daiquiris by the pool, if I had a pool!

So the small amount of money left over at the end of the month either goes into savings or toward my Visa debt, and that, sorry to say, is the reality. I don't have a big, Uncle Scrooge vault of gold coins I swim around in. It's actually a very sober life of maintaining my standard of living through scrupulous saving and, yes, cost-cutting.

Nope, I'm not ashamed to say it: I cut costs. Like this one time, at Olive Garden, a whole pan of chicken filets had to be thrown away because Jorge sneezed near them, so Tina, the manager, told me to pitch 'em and sterilize the pan. But I was smart and wrapped them in Saran Wrap, keeping them in my coat pocket until I punched out. So for the next two weeks, I got free chicken filets for breakfast and dinner! (I have lunch free at Olive Garden.) How's that for savings?!

So, though I'm very well off, I'm not exactly running around like some Mr. Moneybags, tossing big handfuls of silver dollars into the air. But in just two months, I'm up for performance review, and I could get as much as a 45-cent raise. Yup, forty-five big ones! If that happens, I'll still be the same old Tony I was before, but who knows what sort of luxuries I'll be able to splurge on. I could get some plastic chairs, a bread-toasting machine, or maybe even basic cable!

Not that I'll forget the little people. All of my old friends will be welcome to come over to enjoy my majestic 40-channel lineup. (Though I'll have to ask them to take off their shoes before entering, so they don't track street dirt on my priceless throw rug, a Feazell family heirloom my dad threw out when he was redecorating his office.) After all, if it weren't for the little people--like Patrick, who told me that Olive Garden was hiring, and Kevin, who drove me out there on his way to his mother's--I would not be in this privileged position today. You can't ever forget your roots, even if you remember them through the sapphire haze of a Corningware plastic tumbler brimming with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close