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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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1996 Was The Year Of The Celebrity!

What a crazy year it was! So many big names made news in 1996, it will certainly go down as The Year Of The Celebrity. With that in mind, let's look back into Jackie Harvey's crystal ball...

D-I-V-O-R-C-E spells divorce. Again! This time I'm talking about Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Is that guy weird or what? First, the Gloved One unties the knot, then he goes and gets some other woman pregnant. Cripes! Certainly no way for a pop mega-star to behave.

In 1996, they finally stepped in to clean up television. Now, I'm a pretty "with-it" guy, but some of the stuff they were showing was just plain indecent! There were bare bottoms, killings with guns, and a lot of S-E-X. One more minute and I was going to have to step in to use the power of the press to fight some of that stuff myself.

Speaking of clean TV, Rosie O'Donnell was the Queen of Nice this year, proving that you don't have to be filthy to make it on TV. You go, girl!

For all of you rock and roll fans (I know I'm one!), Van Halen gave Sam "Sammy" Hagar the boot and brought back "Diamond" David Lee Roth. Then, they kicked Roth back out and brought in some guy from Winger! Hey guys, can I use my press credentials to get front-row seats on your next tour? It can't hurt to ask!

And how about that Tom Cruise! Is he the greatest, or what? Rumor is, he may even appear on a magazine cover soon! Nicole, you're one lucky lady.

Hunk-tor George Clooney from ER went on a rampage against photographers and video people trying to catch him in the buff. Apparently, Mr. Clooney was scrubbing down in the shower and was surprised by a photographer. Well, Mr. Clooney was firm but polite, and he escorted that rascal out, then vowed not to take a picture until people stopped invading his privacy. I'm with him 110 percent.

Everybody did the Macarena in '96! Except me. I have two left feet when it comes to doing dance moves. Anyone up for the chicken dance?

Gorgeous Brooke Shields got back in the limelight again with her terrific new TV comedy, Suddenly Susan. She co-stars with Emilio Estevez as a magazine writer who is coming into her own in the big city, and she exchanges japes with a man from another country as well. With plenty of laughs and plenty of fun, the only thing I wish there was more of is Brooke!

This was also the year strange alien lifeforms descended from the sky. Forget Independence Day--I'm talking about 3rd Rock From The Sun!

Kathie Lee Gifford took a beating when it was revealed that her clothes were made by children in foreign sweat shops. Oh, please! As if we all don't employ youngsters now and then. I pay the kid down the street $2 to shovel my walk, and his mother thinks it builds character. We all know that mothers know best, so just lay off of Kathie, okay? She has enough to worry about with her show and being a good mother and a good wife to Dan Dierdorf.

Is she gay, or isn't she? That was the big question on the minds of Ellen fans (count me in) in '96. And she still hasn't decided. Ellen, you're killing us!

Every time I turned the channel, it seemed like there was another story about the computer intern net. My own intern says that I should try it, but all I saw were a bunch of ads for computer stuff. What's the hoo-hah, guys?

Whew! Well, that about wraps up 1996, folks. It should be a tough one to beat. But whatever happens this coming year, you can be sure of one thing: Jackie Harvey will be there to bring you plenty of juicy gossip! Happy 1997!

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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