adBlockCheck

1997 Was A Time Of Loss

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

1997 Was A Time Of Loss

What a sad, sad time the past few months have been for the entertainment industry. How can we even begin to enumerate our losses? Here's a start:

We lost Seinfeld, Roseanne and The Visitor. All three series decided not to continue next season, preferring instead to go out with a bang. What am I going to do with my Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights from here on out? Can another television show possibly fill the void? My mother is devastated.

In 1997, we also lost Posh Spice... to a fella! It seems that she's going to marry a football player. Here's a little-known fact: In Jolly Old England, "football" is what we here in America call soccer. They don't have real football there. I'm sure that if all of The Spice Girls were to spend any time here in the Good Old U.S. of A., all five of them would be getting married to real football players. Three of them to Brent Farv alone!

Since my last column, we also lost the laughter and the song. Both William Kennedy Smith and U2's Bono lost their lives in tragic skating accidents. Country boy John Denver died in an airplane crash. And corpulent funnyman Chris Farley died of unknown causes, though some speculate that it may have been because of his weight. How many more lives?

Let's take a moment of silence to remember all of these brave and talented individuals. Remember, they were somebody's children just like you and me, despite their drug and alcohol dependency, alleged pederasty and other assorted acts of sexual deviance.

It's just like the song. The year 1997 was a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and—let us not forget—a time to cry.

For every cloud, though, there is a silver lining. Elton John must have left a good impression at Princess Diana's funeral, because Queen Mary of England made him a knight and gave him his own duchy! As Sir Elton, he is entitled to go forth and collect taxes in the name of the queen and have up to seven indentured servants. Hopefully, this will give his Swiss bride the lifestyle she is no doubt accustomed to, because neutral Switzerland is flush with money.

Is it just me, or has there been a lot of news from England these days? Mind you, I'm not complaining. I find foreign cultures fascinating!

Hey, speaking of news, mark your calendars, fellas—Christina Ricci finally turns 18 on Feb. 12 this year! Good luck, and may the best man win.

Have you had an experience from a Messenger of God? If so, I want to hear from you! Please write and tell me how you personally have been "touched by an angel." The best stories will be printed in this column in weeks to come!

As long as we're on the subject, if anyone owned 1997, it was surely Touched By An Angel stars Della Reese and Roma Downey Jr. You go, girls! (Into an even better 1998, that is!)

I got one of those Jiga Pets to see what all the fuss was about, and I'll be darned if I can't put the little bugger down! I get pretty lonesome sometimes, but a few minutes with my little computer buddy, and I'm back to normal! They are so cute, the way they play, just like a real puppy or kitty would have if my mother would've let me have one.

How about Rent? I like the singing and the dancing, but I sure could have done without the breaking-and-entering and the drug use. Why doesn't Broadway just stick to the tried and true showstoppers, like Oh, Calcutta! and Jesus Christ, Superstar?

Well, I'll be taking a vacation next week to visit my cousin in Pittsburgh. If you live in Pittsburgh, you may spot me haunting the original Saks Fifth Avenue or Gene Kelly Square to get the flavor of the city. I may also stop by Erie, PA, because I've been told that I am very popular there.

Until next time, I'll see you in lights—the lights of the magic city of Hollywood, that is!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close