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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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1997 Was A Time Of Loss

What a sad, sad time the past few months have been for the entertainment industry. How can we even begin to enumerate our losses? Here's a start:

We lost Seinfeld, Roseanne and The Visitor. All three series decided not to continue next season, preferring instead to go out with a bang. What am I going to do with my Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights from here on out? Can another television show possibly fill the void? My mother is devastated.

In 1997, we also lost Posh Spice... to a fella! It seems that she's going to marry a football player. Here's a little-known fact: In Jolly Old England, "football" is what we here in America call soccer. They don't have real football there. I'm sure that if all of The Spice Girls were to spend any time here in the Good Old U.S. of A., all five of them would be getting married to real football players. Three of them to Brent Farv alone!

Since my last column, we also lost the laughter and the song. Both William Kennedy Smith and U2's Bono lost their lives in tragic skating accidents. Country boy John Denver died in an airplane crash. And corpulent funnyman Chris Farley died of unknown causes, though some speculate that it may have been because of his weight. How many more lives?

Let's take a moment of silence to remember all of these brave and talented individuals. Remember, they were somebody's children just like you and me, despite their drug and alcohol dependency, alleged pederasty and other assorted acts of sexual deviance.

It's just like the song. The year 1997 was a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and—let us not forget—a time to cry.

For every cloud, though, there is a silver lining. Elton John must have left a good impression at Princess Diana's funeral, because Queen Mary of England made him a knight and gave him his own duchy! As Sir Elton, he is entitled to go forth and collect taxes in the name of the queen and have up to seven indentured servants. Hopefully, this will give his Swiss bride the lifestyle she is no doubt accustomed to, because neutral Switzerland is flush with money.

Is it just me, or has there been a lot of news from England these days? Mind you, I'm not complaining. I find foreign cultures fascinating!

Hey, speaking of news, mark your calendars, fellas—Christina Ricci finally turns 18 on Feb. 12 this year! Good luck, and may the best man win.

Have you had an experience from a Messenger of God? If so, I want to hear from you! Please write and tell me how you personally have been "touched by an angel." The best stories will be printed in this column in weeks to come!

As long as we're on the subject, if anyone owned 1997, it was surely Touched By An Angel stars Della Reese and Roma Downey Jr. You go, girls! (Into an even better 1998, that is!)

I got one of those Jiga Pets to see what all the fuss was about, and I'll be darned if I can't put the little bugger down! I get pretty lonesome sometimes, but a few minutes with my little computer buddy, and I'm back to normal! They are so cute, the way they play, just like a real puppy or kitty would have if my mother would've let me have one.

How about Rent? I like the singing and the dancing, but I sure could have done without the breaking-and-entering and the drug use. Why doesn't Broadway just stick to the tried and true showstoppers, like Oh, Calcutta! and Jesus Christ, Superstar?

Well, I'll be taking a vacation next week to visit my cousin in Pittsburgh. If you live in Pittsburgh, you may spot me haunting the original Saks Fifth Avenue or Gene Kelly Square to get the flavor of the city. I may also stop by Erie, PA, because I've been told that I am very popular there.

Until next time, I'll see you in lights—the lights of the magic city of Hollywood, that is!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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