1997 Was A Time Of Loss

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Vol 33 Issue 02

Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson. "We are thrilled to have a big-time celebrity like Joel Klein endorsing our products," Microsoft’s Bill Gates said. "This highly recognizable figure should help greatly increase public awareness of Microsoft." Said Klein: "I am very excited to lend my image and name to Microsoft, America’s Software People. The company has long impressed me with the high quality of its products and its fair, non-monopolistic business practices." Klein then issued a cease-and-desist order against Apple Computer for anti-competitive pricing tactics, deceptive advertising, and unlawful employment of underage slave labor.

Local Couple Needs To Talk

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of the couple’s relationship," the report read, "Washburn and Healy need to get some things straight and determine just where things stand right now. They also need to figure out exactly where they’re headed." If the couple fails to talk, they face possible breakup, redistribution of personal items, and an undetermined period of involuntary abstinence.

MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by Miscogynator, a Keith Flint-fronted Prodigy side project. The video, which has outraged feminists with its graphic depictions of nude women being brutally beaten, is, according to MTV News' Kurt Loder, "an offensive, sick, degrading abomination that goes beyond all limits of decency, and will be aired unedited at least 15 times a day on MTV. Watch it often, and see for yourself just how wrong it is." Said MTV president David Zell: "Because of the disgusting, reprehensible nature of this video, MTV is only airing it between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. EST, when all teens are asleep, and between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. EST, when all teens are at school. This tough stance will ensure that no underage viewers will ever be exposed to this crass exercise in exploitation."

Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260 million toward the construction of more than 50,000 low-outcome housing units in cities across the U.S.

I Wish To Go To Heaven

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

1997 Was A Time Of Loss

What a sad, sad time the past few months have been for the entertainment industry. How can we even begin to enumerate our losses? Here's a start:

We lost Seinfeld, Roseanne and The Visitor. All three series decided not to continue next season, preferring instead to go out with a bang. What am I going to do with my Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights from here on out? Can another television show possibly fill the void? My mother is devastated.

In 1997, we also lost Posh Spice... to a fella! It seems that she's going to marry a football player. Here's a little-known fact: In Jolly Old England, "football" is what we here in America call soccer. They don't have real football there. I'm sure that if all of The Spice Girls were to spend any time here in the Good Old U.S. of A., all five of them would be getting married to real football players. Three of them to Brent Farv alone!

Since my last column, we also lost the laughter and the song. Both William Kennedy Smith and U2's Bono lost their lives in tragic skating accidents. Country boy John Denver died in an airplane crash. And corpulent funnyman Chris Farley died of unknown causes, though some speculate that it may have been because of his weight. How many more lives?

Let's take a moment of silence to remember all of these brave and talented individuals. Remember, they were somebody's children just like you and me, despite their drug and alcohol dependency, alleged pederasty and other assorted acts of sexual deviance.

It's just like the song. The year 1997 was a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and—let us not forget—a time to cry.

For every cloud, though, there is a silver lining. Elton John must have left a good impression at Princess Diana's funeral, because Queen Mary of England made him a knight and gave him his own duchy! As Sir Elton, he is entitled to go forth and collect taxes in the name of the queen and have up to seven indentured servants. Hopefully, this will give his Swiss bride the lifestyle she is no doubt accustomed to, because neutral Switzerland is flush with money.

Is it just me, or has there been a lot of news from England these days? Mind you, I'm not complaining. I find foreign cultures fascinating!

Hey, speaking of news, mark your calendars, fellas—Christina Ricci finally turns 18 on Feb. 12 this year! Good luck, and may the best man win.

Have you had an experience from a Messenger of God? If so, I want to hear from you! Please write and tell me how you personally have been "touched by an angel." The best stories will be printed in this column in weeks to come!

As long as we're on the subject, if anyone owned 1997, it was surely Touched By An Angel stars Della Reese and Roma Downey Jr. You go, girls! (Into an even better 1998, that is!)

I got one of those Jiga Pets to see what all the fuss was about, and I'll be darned if I can't put the little bugger down! I get pretty lonesome sometimes, but a few minutes with my little computer buddy, and I'm back to normal! They are so cute, the way they play, just like a real puppy or kitty would have if my mother would've let me have one.

How about Rent? I like the singing and the dancing, but I sure could have done without the breaking-and-entering and the drug use. Why doesn't Broadway just stick to the tried and true showstoppers, like Oh, Calcutta! and Jesus Christ, Superstar?

Well, I'll be taking a vacation next week to visit my cousin in Pittsburgh. If you live in Pittsburgh, you may spot me haunting the original Saks Fifth Avenue or Gene Kelly Square to get the flavor of the city. I may also stop by Erie, PA, because I've been told that I am very popular there.

Until next time, I'll see you in lights—the lights of the magic city of Hollywood, that is!

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