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A Blessed Event

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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A Blessed Event

I have just received a telegram from my mistress and sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, that says she has given birth to a bouncing baby boy of my own siring, and that I should please send more money. I am a papa once again! Huzzah!

I realize that this joyous news may confuse regular readers of the Message, since I under-took my romantic friendship with Miss Fiske just two months ago and we have never actually mingled our procreative appendages or even laid eyes on one another. But through-out my long existence, I have learned that life often takes unexpected twists and turns, and who am I to question it?

As soon as I received the happy tidings, I put the servants to work decorating the old nursery where my other sons were raised. Of course, it had not been employed for that purpose for the better part of a century, having long ago been converted into a charnel-house for the shriveled corpses of my enemies.

But in my moment of paternal joy, a most unusual thing happened that threatened to mar the other-wise gay proceedings. My man-servant Standish, whom I had charged to over-see the nursery's preparation, broke from his duties and burst into my bed chamber. "Sir," he sputtered, "please excuse my impertinence, but as your loyal servant, I can no longer restrain my sentiments. I greatly fear that for some time you have been the victim of a confidence-trickster. I submit that not only is Miss Fiske lying about the existence of an infant of your parentage, but it is very likely that there is no Miss Fiske at all, and that an anonymous rogue has bereft you of a small fortune. In the name of God, sir, I implore you to sever all ties with this beastly scoundrel immediately and end your unwitting participation in this cruel and tragic charade."

For a while, I sat stunned. Then I decided Standish was just jealous of my virility. That, and he probably also harbored a lingering resentment about the fact that I sold his only son into indentured servitude aboard a merchant marine sloop. Although rather peeved by Standish's audacity, I decided to show mercy and commanded him to return to decorating the nursery.

I wish to conclude by assuring my readers that I fully intend to wed Miss Fiske and rescue my son from bastardry. The boy will find a silver spoon eternally shoved down his throat. Perhaps I have become softer in my dotage, but I am determined that my child won't have to suffer the hard-ships I experienced during my hardscrabble pioneer boyhood. I think I will name him N. Aeschylus.

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