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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

Item! Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men's eyes for the past few years, but what would you think if I told you that her breasts had been surgically enlarged? I don't want to delve too far into this, as this is a family column, and these are rumors that I haven't been able to confirm just yet. Watch for more updates as this scandal develops.

Someone want to tell me what a dainty flower like Amy Fisher saw in a big ape like Joey Buttafuoco? That guy is as sensitive as a lead pipe, and about as good-looking to boot!

If you've got an extra $20 sitting around, you may want to open a savings account at one of America's many fine financial institutions.

Item! Sexy sitcom vamp Ellen DeGeneres has a secret... and yours truly has the scoop! Now, keep a lid on this, but I have it on good authority that Ellen is going to have to call her sitcom Mom soon! That's right, the Dynamic Miss D. is expecting a little one! Watch here for word on who the lucky dad is in future columns.

No word yet on the long-awaited Milo And Otis prequels, but the minute there is, you'll hear it here first.

All of America is mourning last week's loss of beloved national treasure Jackie Stewart. He won our hearts playing everyman senator Mr. Chips and banker George Bailey, as well as winning countless thrilling auto races. Say hello to Bob Hope when you get to heaven, Mr. Stewart.

As long as we're on the subject of farewells, a fond goodbye to Robert Mitchum. You and your marvelous deodorant will not soon be forgotten.

What's the deal with Prince? What is that thing he has instead of a name? That's just not something normal people do. I mean, I'm tired of the name Jackie Harvey, but you don't see me changing my name to the Columnist Formerly Known As Jackie Harvey, do you? Geez, my dad would throw a fit!

Jimmy Carter has truly earned his place in history as the 39th President of the United States of America.

Item! Life's been anything but a Carnival Cruise for Kathie Lee Gifford lately, what with her child-labor scandals and her marital problems with two-timing sportscaster husband Marv Albert. But a reliable source tells me that on top of all that, Ms. Gifford has been putting on some weight. Hey, Kathie, we know you're having some hard times, and we support you 100 percent, but you should really make sure not to let yourself go.

TV Guide recently released a list of what they consider to be the top 100 TV episodes of all time. Now, I've given the list a once-over, and I must say that there are a number of glaring oversights. For example, where is the Home Improvement episode where Tim Allen builds a new bedroom in the basement for his son? Outstanding! Or the Knight Rider episode where David Hasselhoff and his robot car foil the foreign drug smugglers at the pier? Packed with drama and action! Or the episode of Hooperman where John Ritter caught those crooks and made us laugh? Classic! Or the tearful series finale of The Famous Teddy Z? I'm sorry, but the TV Guide list just doesn't stack up on the Harvey-ometer as the best of anything! Sorry, gents. Better luck next time!

Has anyone seen the new Dick Van Patten movie? I hear it's pretty good.

Item! It looks like heartthrob hunk-tor Brad Pitt will soon be moving to Oregon with his bride-to-be Gwyneth Paltrow. Word is, the two are tired of making movies and are going to raise racehorses in the out-of-the-way state. We'll see how long that lasts, though. Once you have Hollywood in your veins, it never leaves. I know I could never leave my life of reporting all the dishes and dirt on the Hollywood fast track. I could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually live the movie-star lifestyle, but it's pretty exciting to watch, to say the least.

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