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A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

Item! Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men's eyes for the past few years, but what would you think if I told you that her breasts had been surgically enlarged? I don't want to delve too far into this, as this is a family column, and these are rumors that I haven't been able to confirm just yet. Watch for more updates as this scandal develops.

Someone want to tell me what a dainty flower like Amy Fisher saw in a big ape like Joey Buttafuoco? That guy is as sensitive as a lead pipe, and about as good-looking to boot!

If you've got an extra $20 sitting around, you may want to open a savings account at one of America's many fine financial institutions.

Item! Sexy sitcom vamp Ellen DeGeneres has a secret... and yours truly has the scoop! Now, keep a lid on this, but I have it on good authority that Ellen is going to have to call her sitcom Mom soon! That's right, the Dynamic Miss D. is expecting a little one! Watch here for word on who the lucky dad is in future columns.

No word yet on the long-awaited Milo And Otis prequels, but the minute there is, you'll hear it here first.

All of America is mourning last week's loss of beloved national treasure Jackie Stewart. He won our hearts playing everyman senator Mr. Chips and banker George Bailey, as well as winning countless thrilling auto races. Say hello to Bob Hope when you get to heaven, Mr. Stewart.

As long as we're on the subject of farewells, a fond goodbye to Robert Mitchum. You and your marvelous deodorant will not soon be forgotten.

What's the deal with Prince? What is that thing he has instead of a name? That's just not something normal people do. I mean, I'm tired of the name Jackie Harvey, but you don't see me changing my name to the Columnist Formerly Known As Jackie Harvey, do you? Geez, my dad would throw a fit!

Jimmy Carter has truly earned his place in history as the 39th President of the United States of America.

Item! Life's been anything but a Carnival Cruise for Kathie Lee Gifford lately, what with her child-labor scandals and her marital problems with two-timing sportscaster husband Marv Albert. But a reliable source tells me that on top of all that, Ms. Gifford has been putting on some weight. Hey, Kathie, we know you're having some hard times, and we support you 100 percent, but you should really make sure not to let yourself go.

TV Guide recently released a list of what they consider to be the top 100 TV episodes of all time. Now, I've given the list a once-over, and I must say that there are a number of glaring oversights. For example, where is the Home Improvement episode where Tim Allen builds a new bedroom in the basement for his son? Outstanding! Or the Knight Rider episode where David Hasselhoff and his robot car foil the foreign drug smugglers at the pier? Packed with drama and action! Or the episode of Hooperman where John Ritter caught those crooks and made us laugh? Classic! Or the tearful series finale of The Famous Teddy Z? I'm sorry, but the TV Guide list just doesn't stack up on the Harvey-ometer as the best of anything! Sorry, gents. Better luck next time!

Has anyone seen the new Dick Van Patten movie? I hear it's pretty good.

Item! It looks like heartthrob hunk-tor Brad Pitt will soon be moving to Oregon with his bride-to-be Gwyneth Paltrow. Word is, the two are tired of making movies and are going to raise racehorses in the out-of-the-way state. We'll see how long that lasts, though. Once you have Hollywood in your veins, it never leaves. I know I could never leave my life of reporting all the dishes and dirt on the Hollywood fast track. I could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually live the movie-star lifestyle, but it's pretty exciting to watch, to say the least.

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