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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

Item! Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men's eyes for the past few years, but what would you think if I told you that her breasts had been surgically enlarged? I don't want to delve too far into this, as this is a family column, and these are rumors that I haven't been able to confirm just yet. Watch for more updates as this scandal develops.

Someone want to tell me what a dainty flower like Amy Fisher saw in a big ape like Joey Buttafuoco? That guy is as sensitive as a lead pipe, and about as good-looking to boot!

If you've got an extra $20 sitting around, you may want to open a savings account at one of America's many fine financial institutions.

Item! Sexy sitcom vamp Ellen DeGeneres has a secret... and yours truly has the scoop! Now, keep a lid on this, but I have it on good authority that Ellen is going to have to call her sitcom Mom soon! That's right, the Dynamic Miss D. is expecting a little one! Watch here for word on who the lucky dad is in future columns.

No word yet on the long-awaited Milo And Otis prequels, but the minute there is, you'll hear it here first.

All of America is mourning last week's loss of beloved national treasure Jackie Stewart. He won our hearts playing everyman senator Mr. Chips and banker George Bailey, as well as winning countless thrilling auto races. Say hello to Bob Hope when you get to heaven, Mr. Stewart.

As long as we're on the subject of farewells, a fond goodbye to Robert Mitchum. You and your marvelous deodorant will not soon be forgotten.

What's the deal with Prince? What is that thing he has instead of a name? That's just not something normal people do. I mean, I'm tired of the name Jackie Harvey, but you don't see me changing my name to the Columnist Formerly Known As Jackie Harvey, do you? Geez, my dad would throw a fit!

Jimmy Carter has truly earned his place in history as the 39th President of the United States of America.

Item! Life's been anything but a Carnival Cruise for Kathie Lee Gifford lately, what with her child-labor scandals and her marital problems with two-timing sportscaster husband Marv Albert. But a reliable source tells me that on top of all that, Ms. Gifford has been putting on some weight. Hey, Kathie, we know you're having some hard times, and we support you 100 percent, but you should really make sure not to let yourself go.

TV Guide recently released a list of what they consider to be the top 100 TV episodes of all time. Now, I've given the list a once-over, and I must say that there are a number of glaring oversights. For example, where is the Home Improvement episode where Tim Allen builds a new bedroom in the basement for his son? Outstanding! Or the Knight Rider episode where David Hasselhoff and his robot car foil the foreign drug smugglers at the pier? Packed with drama and action! Or the episode of Hooperman where John Ritter caught those crooks and made us laugh? Classic! Or the tearful series finale of The Famous Teddy Z? I'm sorry, but the TV Guide list just doesn't stack up on the Harvey-ometer as the best of anything! Sorry, gents. Better luck next time!

Has anyone seen the new Dick Van Patten movie? I hear it's pretty good.

Item! It looks like heartthrob hunk-tor Brad Pitt will soon be moving to Oregon with his bride-to-be Gwyneth Paltrow. Word is, the two are tired of making movies and are going to raise racehorses in the out-of-the-way state. We'll see how long that lasts, though. Once you have Hollywood in your veins, it never leaves. I know I could never leave my life of reporting all the dishes and dirt on the Hollywood fast track. I could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually live the movie-star lifestyle, but it's pretty exciting to watch, to say the least.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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