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A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

Item! Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men's eyes for the past few years, but what would you think if I told you that her breasts had been surgically enlarged? I don't want to delve too far into this, as this is a family column, and these are rumors that I haven't been able to confirm just yet. Watch for more updates as this scandal develops.

Someone want to tell me what a dainty flower like Amy Fisher saw in a big ape like Joey Buttafuoco? That guy is as sensitive as a lead pipe, and about as good-looking to boot!

If you've got an extra $20 sitting around, you may want to open a savings account at one of America's many fine financial institutions.

Item! Sexy sitcom vamp Ellen DeGeneres has a secret... and yours truly has the scoop! Now, keep a lid on this, but I have it on good authority that Ellen is going to have to call her sitcom Mom soon! That's right, the Dynamic Miss D. is expecting a little one! Watch here for word on who the lucky dad is in future columns.

No word yet on the long-awaited Milo And Otis prequels, but the minute there is, you'll hear it here first.

All of America is mourning last week's loss of beloved national treasure Jackie Stewart. He won our hearts playing everyman senator Mr. Chips and banker George Bailey, as well as winning countless thrilling auto races. Say hello to Bob Hope when you get to heaven, Mr. Stewart.

As long as we're on the subject of farewells, a fond goodbye to Robert Mitchum. You and your marvelous deodorant will not soon be forgotten.

What's the deal with Prince? What is that thing he has instead of a name? That's just not something normal people do. I mean, I'm tired of the name Jackie Harvey, but you don't see me changing my name to the Columnist Formerly Known As Jackie Harvey, do you? Geez, my dad would throw a fit!

Jimmy Carter has truly earned his place in history as the 39th President of the United States of America.

Item! Life's been anything but a Carnival Cruise for Kathie Lee Gifford lately, what with her child-labor scandals and her marital problems with two-timing sportscaster husband Marv Albert. But a reliable source tells me that on top of all that, Ms. Gifford has been putting on some weight. Hey, Kathie, we know you're having some hard times, and we support you 100 percent, but you should really make sure not to let yourself go.

TV Guide recently released a list of what they consider to be the top 100 TV episodes of all time. Now, I've given the list a once-over, and I must say that there are a number of glaring oversights. For example, where is the Home Improvement episode where Tim Allen builds a new bedroom in the basement for his son? Outstanding! Or the Knight Rider episode where David Hasselhoff and his robot car foil the foreign drug smugglers at the pier? Packed with drama and action! Or the episode of Hooperman where John Ritter caught those crooks and made us laugh? Classic! Or the tearful series finale of The Famous Teddy Z? I'm sorry, but the TV Guide list just doesn't stack up on the Harvey-ometer as the best of anything! Sorry, gents. Better luck next time!

Has anyone seen the new Dick Van Patten movie? I hear it's pretty good.

Item! It looks like heartthrob hunk-tor Brad Pitt will soon be moving to Oregon with his bride-to-be Gwyneth Paltrow. Word is, the two are tired of making movies and are going to raise racehorses in the out-of-the-way state. We'll see how long that lasts, though. Once you have Hollywood in your veins, it never leaves. I know I could never leave my life of reporting all the dishes and dirt on the Hollywood fast track. I could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually live the movie-star lifestyle, but it's pretty exciting to watch, to say the least.

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