Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims?

Are your countertops overflowing with appliances that are bulky and hard to use? Are you so concerned with the results of your food-preparation efforts that you'd be willing to make an unexpected impulse purchase on late-night TV? If you said yes to any of these questions, then the Personal Chef Wizard is the product for you! This is a deal so great—so unbelievable—that once this hour's over, you will never see it again until the next hour of your life.

The Personal Chef Wizard is only available through this limited television offer until it hits store shelves in two to four months. Slice a tomato into sections so thin you can see through them! You can cube, julienne, even mince with perfect evenness—it takes the guesswork out of prep work! Yes, you've never seen a kitchen appliance that can swiftly cut a potato into waffle fries, unless you're familiar with something called a mandoline, which has been around for ages. And, unless you act in this next hour, the Personal Chef Wizard will be unavailable until this infomercial is immediately rebroadcast. And that's a promise.

If you pass this up, you'll regret it until you go to sleep and awake with absolutely no lingering thoughts of the Personal Chef Wizard

Perhaps you're not convinced that the Personal Chef Wizard is the best, most versatile kitchen tool you've ever seen. But what if I told you that, in this basically unlimited television offer, we're offering the Personal Chef Wizard not for its regular retail price of $39.99, not $34.99 or even $29.99, but the amazingly low price of $24.99? This incredible bargain is only offered every time this infomercial airs, which, with our new heavy-rotation schedule, is frequently, so call now!

I know what you're thinking: "This guy must have gone insane at regularly occurring intervals between 2 and 5 a.m."

But you know what's even more insane? Offering a 10-piece kitchen utensil set and a 60-page recipe book filled with more than 29 delicious meals that can be prepared in minutes using only the Personal Chef Wizard and a handful of additional appliances absolutely free with your purchase of the Personal Chef Wizard! These products alone would retail at high-end department stores for the arbitrary price of $89.99 that we just pulled out of our ass! But you have to call in the next two minutes of this pre-taped broadcast in order to receive this almost-once-in-a-nighttime offer. The clock is ticking and our automated ordering system is standing by.

Don't let this deal slip through your fingers for the third time this evening!

Still not convinced? Normally, groggy viewers with no sense of real-world consumer value would expect to pay hundreds—maybe thousands—of dollars for all this.

But if you call in the next two minutes, we'll slash the already-reduced price of the Personal Chef Wizard to an unbelievable $19.99! Yes, you get the Personal Chef Wizard, the utensils, and the 60-page recipe book for this amazing low price! A deal of this magnitude is truly rare, unless you include other deals of this magnitude, such as the Insta-Omelet, the Pizza Squeeze, or the amazing Servo-Scissors. Their infomercials, by the way, will also be airing tonight until the USA Network resumes its regular programming.

So pick up that phone right away. This is the best deal you'll see until you see it again, so don't wait! Call now.

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims?

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