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Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...
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A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims?

Are your countertops overflowing with appliances that are bulky and hard to use? Are you so concerned with the results of your food-preparation efforts that you'd be willing to make an unexpected impulse purchase on late-night TV? If you said yes to any of these questions, then the Personal Chef Wizard is the product for you! This is a deal so great—so unbelievable—that once this hour's over, you will never see it again until the next hour of your life.

The Personal Chef Wizard is only available through this limited television offer until it hits store shelves in two to four months. Slice a tomato into sections so thin you can see through them! You can cube, julienne, even mince with perfect evenness—it takes the guesswork out of prep work! Yes, you've never seen a kitchen appliance that can swiftly cut a potato into waffle fries, unless you're familiar with something called a mandoline, which has been around for ages. And, unless you act in this next hour, the Personal Chef Wizard will be unavailable until this infomercial is immediately rebroadcast. And that's a promise.

If you pass this up, you'll regret it until you go to sleep and awake with absolutely no lingering thoughts of the Personal Chef Wizard

Perhaps you're not convinced that the Personal Chef Wizard is the best, most versatile kitchen tool you've ever seen. But what if I told you that, in this basically unlimited television offer, we're offering the Personal Chef Wizard not for its regular retail price of $39.99, not $34.99 or even $29.99, but the amazingly low price of $24.99? This incredible bargain is only offered every time this infomercial airs, which, with our new heavy-rotation schedule, is frequently, so call now!

I know what you're thinking: "This guy must have gone insane at regularly occurring intervals between 2 and 5 a.m."

But you know what's even more insane? Offering a 10-piece kitchen utensil set and a 60-page recipe book filled with more than 29 delicious meals that can be prepared in minutes using only the Personal Chef Wizard and a handful of additional appliances absolutely free with your purchase of the Personal Chef Wizard! These products alone would retail at high-end department stores for the arbitrary price of $89.99 that we just pulled out of our ass! But you have to call in the next two minutes of this pre-taped broadcast in order to receive this almost-once-in-a-nighttime offer. The clock is ticking and our automated ordering system is standing by.

Don't let this deal slip through your fingers for the third time this evening!

Still not convinced? Normally, groggy viewers with no sense of real-world consumer value would expect to pay hundreds—maybe thousands—of dollars for all this.

But if you call in the next two minutes, we'll slash the already-reduced price of the Personal Chef Wizard to an unbelievable $19.99! Yes, you get the Personal Chef Wizard, the utensils, and the 60-page recipe book for this amazing low price! A deal of this magnitude is truly rare, unless you include other deals of this magnitude, such as the Insta-Omelet, the Pizza Squeeze, or the amazing Servo-Scissors. Their infomercials, by the way, will also be airing tonight until the USA Network resumes its regular programming.

So pick up that phone right away. This is the best deal you'll see until you see it again, so don't wait! Call now.

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims?