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A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour

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Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims?

Are your countertops overflowing with appliances that are bulky and hard to use? Are you so concerned with the results of your food-preparation efforts that you'd be willing to make an unexpected impulse purchase on late-night TV? If you said yes to any of these questions, then the Personal Chef Wizard is the product for you! This is a deal so great—so unbelievable—that once this hour's over, you will never see it again until the next hour of your life.

The Personal Chef Wizard is only available through this limited television offer until it hits store shelves in two to four months. Slice a tomato into sections so thin you can see through them! You can cube, julienne, even mince with perfect evenness—it takes the guesswork out of prep work! Yes, you've never seen a kitchen appliance that can swiftly cut a potato into waffle fries, unless you're familiar with something called a mandoline, which has been around for ages. And, unless you act in this next hour, the Personal Chef Wizard will be unavailable until this infomercial is immediately rebroadcast. And that's a promise.

If you pass this up, you'll regret it until you go to sleep and awake with absolutely no lingering thoughts of the Personal Chef Wizard

Perhaps you're not convinced that the Personal Chef Wizard is the best, most versatile kitchen tool you've ever seen. But what if I told you that, in this basically unlimited television offer, we're offering the Personal Chef Wizard not for its regular retail price of $39.99, not $34.99 or even $29.99, but the amazingly low price of $24.99? This incredible bargain is only offered every time this infomercial airs, which, with our new heavy-rotation schedule, is frequently, so call now!

I know what you're thinking: "This guy must have gone insane at regularly occurring intervals between 2 and 5 a.m."

But you know what's even more insane? Offering a 10-piece kitchen utensil set and a 60-page recipe book filled with more than 29 delicious meals that can be prepared in minutes using only the Personal Chef Wizard and a handful of additional appliances absolutely free with your purchase of the Personal Chef Wizard! These products alone would retail at high-end department stores for the arbitrary price of $89.99 that we just pulled out of our ass! But you have to call in the next two minutes of this pre-taped broadcast in order to receive this almost-once-in-a-nighttime offer. The clock is ticking and our automated ordering system is standing by.

Don't let this deal slip through your fingers for the third time this evening!

Still not convinced? Normally, groggy viewers with no sense of real-world consumer value would expect to pay hundreds—maybe thousands—of dollars for all this.

But if you call in the next two minutes, we'll slash the already-reduced price of the Personal Chef Wizard to an unbelievable $19.99! Yes, you get the Personal Chef Wizard, the utensils, and the 60-page recipe book for this amazing low price! A deal of this magnitude is truly rare, unless you include other deals of this magnitude, such as the Insta-Omelet, the Pizza Squeeze, or the amazing Servo-Scissors. Their infomercials, by the way, will also be airing tonight until the USA Network resumes its regular programming.

So pick up that phone right away. This is the best deal you'll see until you see it again, so don't wait! Call now.

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims?

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