adBlockCheck

Recent News

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

A Drama In Three Acts

To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third and most ambitious effort to date, The Syphilis-Crazed Young Norwegian Man.

Dramatis Personae:

OSVALD, a young man.

OSVALD'S MOTHER, Osvald's mother.

PASTOR MANDERS, family friend.

GHOST, ghost.

P. THURMAN ZEEBULL, famed publisher and author of this play.

HENRIK IBSEN, playwright.

ACT ONE. The drawing-room of a cottage by the sea.

Enter OSVALD'S MOTHER and PASTOR MANDERS.

PASTOR MANDERS: Your son Osvald has grown into a fine young man, Osvald's Mother.

OSVALD'S MOTHER: Yet, Pastor Manders, I fear he shall be cut down in his very prime. He was infected with the clap during conception by Osvald's Father, a wayward sea-captain who is presumed lost at sea. The boy can go crackers any second.

PASTOR MANDERS: My word!

ACT TWO. Same setting. Enter OSVALD.

OSVALD: I feel as right as rain.

[Enter GHOST.]

GHOST: I am the ghost of your sea-captain father. I'm afraid I infected you with the clap during conception. Sorry.

[Exit GHOST.]

OSVALD: Oh, damn. Now you tell me.

[OSVALD lets loose a stream of gibberish and bounces out of the drawing room on his head.]

OSVALD'S MOTHER: Osvald! Osvald!!

INTERMISSION. Concessions may be sold in the lobby.

ACT THREE. Same setting. Enter P. THURMAN ZEEBULL.

P. THURMAN ZEEBULL: This play I wrote is very exciting.

[Enter HENRIK IBSEN.]

HENRIK IBSEN: You American son of a bitch, you ripped off my play Ghosts.

P. THURMAN ZEEBULL: Quite so, and if anything, I improved it greatly. Yours was very boring.

HENRIK IBSEN: Have at you, sir! I shall obtain satisfaction!

[IBSEN brandishes a duelling epee, but before he can attack, ZEEBULL runs him over with his wheel-chair. IBSEN dies.]

ZEEBULL: Huzzah! America is the greatest land of all!

CURTAIN.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close