A Drama In Three Acts

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Vol 36 Issue 19

Overweight Man To Lose Weight If He Gets Really Overweight

CARROLTON, OH–Area resident David Schuitt, who at 250 pounds is approximately 70 pounds overweight, announced Monday that he will go on a diet if he gains much more weight. "I'm definitely fat, no doubt about it," Schuitt said. "But I'm not quite at that point where I'm so obese, I look disgusting." Schuitt has also vowed to take out a bill-consolidation loan if his debts hit $15,000.

Awestruck Video-Game Fan Describes Brush With PlayStation 2

UPPER DARBY, PA–Trembling in an ecstatic, quasi-religious state of rapture, video-game enthusiast Josh Eigert, 23, spent nearly 40 minutes Monday describing his encounter with Sony's forthcoming PlayStation 2 game console. "I was over at the Video Game X-change yesterday, and Bob, the owner-guy, had one behind the counter that he picked up in Japan," Eigert told friend Rich Busse. "I begged him, and he hooked it up and let me play Tekken Tag for a few minutes. It was fucking unbelievable, like a movie." Eigert told Busse that the store owner also claimed to have a copy of Onimusha: The Demon Warrior but "refused to show it under any circumstances."

Nothing Going Right For Area Surgeon Today

NEW YORK–Dr. Sidney Kramer, chief of cardiac surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital, is having "one of those days," he confided to a colleague Monday. "I don't know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or what, but I've been Mr. Butterfingers today," Kramer, 51, told anesthesiologist Allan Chang following "the heart transplant from hell." "Somebody shoulda locked up those scalpels and hid the key from me. Yikes. Oh, well, guess there's always tomorrow."

TV Executive Claims To Be Looking For Edgy

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Michael Wilhoyte, NBC's vice-president of programming, made the specious claim Monday that he is seeking "edgy, push-the-envelope new sitcoms" for the network. "What we want are things that will shake up viewers and really defy their expectations," Wilhoyte told Daily Variety TV reporter Naomi Berger. "We want shows that have a jarring, not-in-Kansas-anymore effect on the audience. Not your grandmother's sitcom, if you will." Three hours later, Wilhoyte approved a seven-figure development deal for a sitcom pitched as "Friends, but in Los Angeles."

Atheist Swayed By Claymation Story Of Christ

GRAND ISLAND, NE–Atheist Marcia Prewitt was converted to a life of devotion to the Lord following Sunday's viewing of the claymation movie The Miracle Maker. "I'd heard a lot of preaching and teaching about Christ throughout my life," Prewitt said, "but it took a clay-animated, Ralph Fiennes-voiced portrayal of Jesus to make me realize just how good and how wonderful He really is. I just wish everyone with confusion and strife in their heart could discover the healing truths of this cartoon."

Britney's Back

Millions of teenagers converged on the nation's record stores May 16 for the release of Oops!... I Did It Again, pop superstar Britney Spear's second album. What are the reasons for the fan frenzy?

Rudy Drops Out

Last Friday, Rudolph Giuliani shook up the New York Senate race when he announced that he would not run against Hillary Clinton due to his recently diagnosed prostate cancer. What do you think about the decision?

Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

BEMIDJI, MN–Despite his insistence, Timothy Woronoff has been unable to substantiate his longstanding claim that he has a girlfriend in Canada, sources close to the 16-year-old Bemidji High School junior reported Monday.
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A Drama In Three Acts

To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third and most ambitious effort to date, The Syphilis-Crazed Young Norwegian Man.

Dramatis Personae:

OSVALD, a young man.

OSVALD'S MOTHER, Osvald's mother.

PASTOR MANDERS, family friend.

GHOST, ghost.

P. THURMAN ZEEBULL, famed publisher and author of this play.

HENRIK IBSEN, playwright.

ACT ONE. The drawing-room of a cottage by the sea.

Enter OSVALD'S MOTHER and PASTOR MANDERS.

PASTOR MANDERS: Your son Osvald has grown into a fine young man, Osvald's Mother.

OSVALD'S MOTHER: Yet, Pastor Manders, I fear he shall be cut down in his very prime. He was infected with the clap during conception by Osvald's Father, a wayward sea-captain who is presumed lost at sea. The boy can go crackers any second.

PASTOR MANDERS: My word!

ACT TWO. Same setting. Enter OSVALD.

OSVALD: I feel as right as rain.

[Enter GHOST.]

GHOST: I am the ghost of your sea-captain father. I'm afraid I infected you with the clap during conception. Sorry.

[Exit GHOST.]

OSVALD: Oh, damn. Now you tell me.

[OSVALD lets loose a stream of gibberish and bounces out of the drawing room on his head.]

OSVALD'S MOTHER: Osvald! Osvald!!

INTERMISSION. Concessions may be sold in the lobby.

ACT THREE. Same setting. Enter P. THURMAN ZEEBULL.

P. THURMAN ZEEBULL: This play I wrote is very exciting.

[Enter HENRIK IBSEN.]

HENRIK IBSEN: You American son of a bitch, you ripped off my play Ghosts.

P. THURMAN ZEEBULL: Quite so, and if anything, I improved it greatly. Yours was very boring.

HENRIK IBSEN: Have at you, sir! I shall obtain satisfaction!

[IBSEN brandishes a duelling epee, but before he can attack, ZEEBULL runs him over with his wheel-chair. IBSEN dies.]

ZEEBULL: Huzzah! America is the greatest land of all!

CURTAIN.

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