A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas

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Vol 35 Issue 34

Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln driving, Conroy's psychologist said Monday. "Over the course of several of therapy sessions with Mr. Conroy, it became clear that he suffered tremendous distress as a result of his son's illegal drag-racing hobby," Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Cody's recent arrest for driving 110 mph was likely the trigger event that prompted William to turn to alcohol." The elder Conroy told Wasserbaum that he "made it perfectly clear" to Cody that he would be driven to drinking if he did not stop driving that Hot Rod Lincoln.

Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long fight to save the endangered Northern Spotted Owl. "For some reason, we devoted more than 30 years to trying to save this unspectacular little owl," Greenpeace associate director Tomas Lindstrom said. "But somewhere along the way, I guess we just came to our senses and kind of lost interest." Lindstrom said the environmental group plans to shift its focus to "saving animals that people actually see every once in a while."

Tape Dispensed

PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. "I am impressed beyond words by the exemplary performance of this office appliance," said Pulaski-area payroll secretary Julie Glass following the successful tape dispensation. "Less than three seconds after I desired a memorandum affixed to a larger document, the tape was dispensed and the pieces of paper attached to one another. I was barely aware of the dispenser's existence, so smoothly and unobtrusively did it operate."

Reno Orders Investigation Of U.S. Department of Corruption

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno ordered a full-scale investigation of the Department of Corruption Monday in the wake of widespread reports of illegal and improper activity within its ranks. "Over the past 18 months, evidence has surfaced implicating numerous high-ranking Corruption Department officials, including Corruption Secretary John Francona, in acts of bribery, embezzlement, bank fraud, tax evasion and misappropriation of funds," Reno said. The department has also failed to account for much of its spending, including a 1998 allocation of $7 billion for a "widows and orphans fund," for which it has yet to provide financial records.

U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body—the skin, bones and organs that comprise me—is where the line gets drawn.

She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the office, and does not normally go grocery shopping until the weekend—not to mention the fact that she didn't come to the door either time he rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes, even though her bedroom light was on—area resident Kristin Mulcahy is probably sleeping with that guy at this very moment, local ex-boyfriend Andrew Wallace obsessed Monday.

The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas

I had been eagerly anticipating my favorite holiday, Zweibelmas, which, of course, falls every Sept. 21. But my Zweibelmas spirit was dampened when I discovered that people in my own employ were ignorant of this glorious event!

Some weeks ago, I was being briefed on my September schedule by my young scribe, Braintree. Nothing too unusual was planned: my monthly turn-over on the 5th, a coma from the 7th to the 12th, and so on. But when Braintree came to the 21st, he mentioned nothing about the Zweibelmas. I asked him what kind of events were planned for it, and he stared at me blankly. My own scribe, unaware of the Zweibelmas! Interrogations of other young servants garnered the same reaction.

Swift action had to be taken. I summoned my faithful man-servant Standish and my advisor Beavers. I told them that Zweibelmas' reputation had lapsed and needed restoration. Beavers gave me the same mystified look as Braintree, but Standish, who knows all about the Zweibelmas, was quick with a suggestion.

"Well, sir, every Christmas on the television, there are cartoons about Father Christmas and sentient snow-men and the like," Standish said. "This helps promote the notion of Christmas for the children. Perhaps a cartoon featuring the Fairy Zweibel-Child, beloved symbol of Zweibelmas, is in order."

Zoetrope-like trifles on the electrical motion-image box? Is that the level to which the sacred Zweibelmas had to sink to gain back its appreciation? So be it, I sighed, and I had Beavers arrange a visual interpretation of the Zweibelmas.

The finished product was appalling. It showed the Fairy Zweibel-Child befriending a lonely donkey and horrid elf who wants to be a dentist, and taking them to the enchanted Valley of Zweibel, where every-body sings unbearable songs in a high register. What does any of that have to do with Zweibelmas? Heresy!

O Fairy Zweibel-Child, forgive these vulgar blasphemers! But do come around on Zweibelmas-Eve and deliver candy and toys to my-self, as I keep Zweibelmas in my heart always!

Oh, and I been have asked to say that A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas will air on the "U.P.N. Net-work" during Zweibelmas-week, and that you should consult your local listings for the air-date and time, what-ever all that means.

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