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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
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A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas

I had been eagerly anticipating my favorite holiday, Zweibelmas, which, of course, falls every Sept. 21. But my Zweibelmas spirit was dampened when I discovered that people in my own employ were ignorant of this glorious event!

Some weeks ago, I was being briefed on my September schedule by my young scribe, Braintree. Nothing too unusual was planned: my monthly turn-over on the 5th, a coma from the 7th to the 12th, and so on. But when Braintree came to the 21st, he mentioned nothing about the Zweibelmas. I asked him what kind of events were planned for it, and he stared at me blankly. My own scribe, unaware of the Zweibelmas! Interrogations of other young servants garnered the same reaction.

Swift action had to be taken. I summoned my faithful man-servant Standish and my advisor Beavers. I told them that Zweibelmas' reputation had lapsed and needed restoration. Beavers gave me the same mystified look as Braintree, but Standish, who knows all about the Zweibelmas, was quick with a suggestion.

"Well, sir, every Christmas on the television, there are cartoons about Father Christmas and sentient snow-men and the like," Standish said. "This helps promote the notion of Christmas for the children. Perhaps a cartoon featuring the Fairy Zweibel-Child, beloved symbol of Zweibelmas, is in order."

Zoetrope-like trifles on the electrical motion-image box? Is that the level to which the sacred Zweibelmas had to sink to gain back its appreciation? So be it, I sighed, and I had Beavers arrange a visual interpretation of the Zweibelmas.

The finished product was appalling. It showed the Fairy Zweibel-Child befriending a lonely donkey and horrid elf who wants to be a dentist, and taking them to the enchanted Valley of Zweibel, where every-body sings unbearable songs in a high register. What does any of that have to do with Zweibelmas? Heresy!

O Fairy Zweibel-Child, forgive these vulgar blasphemers! But do come around on Zweibelmas-Eve and deliver candy and toys to my-self, as I keep Zweibelmas in my heart always!

Oh, and I been have asked to say that A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas will air on the "U.P.N. Net-work" during Zweibelmas-week, and that you should consult your local listings for the air-date and time, what-ever all that means.

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