adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas

I had been eagerly anticipating my favorite holiday, Zweibelmas, which, of course, falls every Sept. 21. But my Zweibelmas spirit was dampened when I discovered that people in my own employ were ignorant of this glorious event!

Some weeks ago, I was being briefed on my September schedule by my young scribe, Braintree. Nothing too unusual was planned: my monthly turn-over on the 5th, a coma from the 7th to the 12th, and so on. But when Braintree came to the 21st, he mentioned nothing about the Zweibelmas. I asked him what kind of events were planned for it, and he stared at me blankly. My own scribe, unaware of the Zweibelmas! Interrogations of other young servants garnered the same reaction.

Swift action had to be taken. I summoned my faithful man-servant Standish and my advisor Beavers. I told them that Zweibelmas' reputation had lapsed and needed restoration. Beavers gave me the same mystified look as Braintree, but Standish, who knows all about the Zweibelmas, was quick with a suggestion.

"Well, sir, every Christmas on the television, there are cartoons about Father Christmas and sentient snow-men and the like," Standish said. "This helps promote the notion of Christmas for the children. Perhaps a cartoon featuring the Fairy Zweibel-Child, beloved symbol of Zweibelmas, is in order."

Zoetrope-like trifles on the electrical motion-image box? Is that the level to which the sacred Zweibelmas had to sink to gain back its appreciation? So be it, I sighed, and I had Beavers arrange a visual interpretation of the Zweibelmas.

The finished product was appalling. It showed the Fairy Zweibel-Child befriending a lonely donkey and horrid elf who wants to be a dentist, and taking them to the enchanted Valley of Zweibel, where every-body sings unbearable songs in a high register. What does any of that have to do with Zweibelmas? Heresy!

O Fairy Zweibel-Child, forgive these vulgar blasphemers! But do come around on Zweibelmas-Eve and deliver candy and toys to my-self, as I keep Zweibelmas in my heart always!

Oh, and I been have asked to say that A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas will air on the "U.P.N. Net-work" during Zweibelmas-week, and that you should consult your local listings for the air-date and time, what-ever all that means.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close