A Little Birdie Told Me You Had A Miscarriage

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After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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A Little Birdie Told Me You Had A Miscarriage

Oh my goodness, it's been ages since I've seen you. Don't you look adorable! There's definitely something different about you. Have you lost a little weight, maybe? Now, don't be shy. You've been through some big changes in your life lately, haven't you? In fact, a little birdie told me you had to make a special trip to the hospital because you unexpectedly went into labor after just four months of pregnancy and right there on the delivery table you birthed a tiny fetus that died before it could even take its first breath.

Isn't that right?

Oh, never you mind who told me. But shame on you for being such a bashful Betty and keeping a juicy tidbit like that from all of us!

I didn't even know you were expecting until they had to rush you to the ER in the middle of the night in that futile effort to keep your baby from coming out way too early. My, that must have been quite a surprise! The word going around is that you were a little stressed out by the whole thing.

Would you tell me one little secret? Was there even a chance your fetus could have been viable at that stage, or was it a lost cause from the get-go?

You know, it's funny we happen to be standing here talking about this now, because just a month or so ago I read something in a magazine about women who fail to carry their babies to term. I was thumbing through Redbook, and there was some great stuff in there: easy makeover tips, an interesting article on how to avoid having a miscarriage, quick-prep casserole recipes. I'm just curious—did you have a drink or two during your first trimester? Apparently that's just the sort of thing that can make your uterus spontaneously abort an unborn child.

There, there, dear! Don't cry. It's okay. You didn't know. Of course, if you had stopped by at some point to tell me you were in a family way, I might have been able to warn you about such things. Then you'd still be looking forward to experiencing the incredible joy of motherhood, and I could have given you that delicious recipe for Southwestern bean casserole with double-corn topping.

I guess the lesson here is, don't be such a stranger!

Now why are you all in a tizzy? I'm not one to gossip—you know that—and if some of us talk about that little mess you had in your down-below area, it's only because we feel just awful for you. It's no fun having a bun in the oven that never gets a chance to rise.

There's no use crying over spilt milk, though. Or in this case, spilt amniotic fluid. Sure, you can be a moping Mabel. You can sulk all you want to over this lost child who will never get a chance to form an intimate bond with you, never grow up to be its own little person, and never love you or become a treasured part of your life in any way. You can keep your shameful little secret all to yourself, and no one will ever know you have a harsh and unforgiving womb that rejected nature's greatest miracle.

But I'd suggest you count your blessings instead. You have a loving husband, a fulfilling career, and you've blossomed into a beautiful, healthy young woman who just happened on one occasion to bleed profusely from her vagina prior to expelling a dead fetus that went nighty-night up inside her.

It could have been worse, you know. If it had stayed up there, you might have had one of those stone babies, and those are just terrible. You ever seen pictures of those?

So instead of being all down in the mouth, remember this: You can always get preggers again. Was it really so hard in the first place? No, and I bet it was even kind of fun! So buck up, little trooper! March right up to that husband of yours, roll up your sleeves, and make yourself another baby.

And I hope it works this time, because unbaptized babies go straight to H-E-double-hockey-sticks.

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