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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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A Message from the Publisher: Gold in the Yukon Territory? It's a Load of Malarkey!

I’ve heard of these brave Americans who are rushing to the Great Northern territories in search of Yukon gold. Many of them are abandoning their families and their jobs and their churches in the remote hope of striking it rich in the Klondike.

Well, friends, I’ve never been to the Yukon Territory, nor do I ever hope to be. You see, I’ve already struck gold—in newspapers.

There’s no gold in the paper stock. There’s no gold to be sifted through down in the press room. But there’s gold to be had. In the dissemination of news. In providing for the people a vessel through which—

Damn. I just wet the bed. But I’m not certain. I have no feeling below my hips. Where is my maidservant?

These brave men have been charged by Roosevelt himself of their rightful manifest destiny. Make the savage Indian heel! Bring the mighty buffalo to its knees! Bring back the gold, boys!

But make no mistake, friends, mining in the Klondike is no quick, fast buck. Many men work an entire lifetime, only to have their claim taken from under their noses by crooked local officials.

We’ve got to run an exposé on the Yukon rush! Call the press foreman! Men are selling all their belongings for a pack of mules and a stack of tin pans, only to be hornswaggled by shysters and con men.

We’ve got to warn these well-intentioned young men before it’s too late! Hold the front page! Call President Roosevelt! Stop the presses!

I do believe I have now shat my pants.

Nurse! My bedpan must be emptied! Where is that evil woman?

I’m just an old newspaperman, and many people say I’ve lost the ability to write coherently, but I declare that news is one of the key ingredients to a healthy civilization. And until my dying breath I will work to give the people the truth, provided it does not conflict with the wishes of any major advertiser.

Sink the Potemkin! Alton B. Parker in ’04!

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