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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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A Message from the Publisher: Gold in the Yukon Territory? It's a Load of Malarkey!

I’ve heard of these brave Americans who are rushing to the Great Northern territories in search of Yukon gold. Many of them are abandoning their families and their jobs and their churches in the remote hope of striking it rich in the Klondike.

Well, friends, I’ve never been to the Yukon Territory, nor do I ever hope to be. You see, I’ve already struck gold—in newspapers.

There’s no gold in the paper stock. There’s no gold to be sifted through down in the press room. But there’s gold to be had. In the dissemination of news. In providing for the people a vessel through which—

Damn. I just wet the bed. But I’m not certain. I have no feeling below my hips. Where is my maidservant?

These brave men have been charged by Roosevelt himself of their rightful manifest destiny. Make the savage Indian heel! Bring the mighty buffalo to its knees! Bring back the gold, boys!

But make no mistake, friends, mining in the Klondike is no quick, fast buck. Many men work an entire lifetime, only to have their claim taken from under their noses by crooked local officials.

We’ve got to run an exposé on the Yukon rush! Call the press foreman! Men are selling all their belongings for a pack of mules and a stack of tin pans, only to be hornswaggled by shysters and con men.

We’ve got to warn these well-intentioned young men before it’s too late! Hold the front page! Call President Roosevelt! Stop the presses!

I do believe I have now shat my pants.

Nurse! My bedpan must be emptied! Where is that evil woman?

I’m just an old newspaperman, and many people say I’ve lost the ability to write coherently, but I declare that news is one of the key ingredients to a healthy civilization. And until my dying breath I will work to give the people the truth, provided it does not conflict with the wishes of any major advertiser.

Sink the Potemkin! Alton B. Parker in ’04!

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