A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Energy

A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!

As I recall, it was the night of August 8, 1932. Hoover was in office, and my family was fighting to rally support for his re-election bid of that year.

Let him finish the job! Only Hoover can get America back to work!

Nurse! You infernal she-beast! Apply my ointment!

I swear to you, dear reader, that half-bovine nurse of mine is stone deaf. I’ve been ringing her bell solidly for the past three days, and she has yet to respond to me with more than a grumpy look and a perfunctory and slipshod performance of her bedpan emptying duties.

The newspaper press foreman was wiping down the metal blocks of type from the previous day’s issue of The Onion.

The cover story was a hearty skewering of Roosevelt’s latest cock-and-bull welfare program, as I recall. Throw the Harvard bum out! He’ll never get re-elected!

Down with the Menken–Horace Act!

And it was on this stormy night, some 56 years ago now, that an event which shaped our history was brewing.

I have called and called. That god-damned infernal nurse is not coming. I’m bleeding out of my wrinkled old anus! My shriveled pancreas is secreting yellowish fluid through my esophagus!

Hear me, witch! You wretched old withered husk of a woman!

I am a feeble, dying man. Yet with all my strength I cry out for the nurse. Every three seconds I bellow at the top of my shrunken, black lungs, encrusted as they are with printers’ ink and cigar resin: “Infernal nurse! Come to my aid!”

It was a night of legend, a night of which history is made. Magic was truly in the air.

I was remembering something just now. What was it? Ah, dammit.

Death to the heathen Chinese! Remember the Maine! 44-40 or fight! Loose lips sink ships! A chicken in every pot! Vote for Huey Long! Every man a king!

Next Story