A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!

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Vol 29 Issue 24

Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker: My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn? —Stump...

Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

Pet Eligibles

Maggie, a six-year old Australian Shepherd mix, has an unbelievable tongue that's eager to lick gravy off anything; maybe even you! Loves kids. Max, a three-year-old tabby, was given up recently by his owner. Perfect for medical experiments requiring animals with iron constitutions and high pain thresholds.

My Seed Is Pure

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure! I have come to assume my dominant position in this farm community due to the high quality and timely delivery of my seed. ...

Sports

Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity!
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Small Business

A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!

As I recall, it was the night of August 8, 1932. Hoover was in office, and my family was fighting to rally support for his re-election bid of that year.

Let him finish the job! Only Hoover can get America back to work!

Nurse! You infernal she-beast! Apply my ointment!

I swear to you, dear reader, that half-bovine nurse of mine is stone deaf. I’ve been ringing her bell solidly for the past three days, and she has yet to respond to me with more than a grumpy look and a perfunctory and slipshod performance of her bedpan emptying duties.

The newspaper press foreman was wiping down the metal blocks of type from the previous day’s issue of The Onion.

The cover story was a hearty skewering of Roosevelt’s latest cock-and-bull welfare program, as I recall. Throw the Harvard bum out! He’ll never get re-elected!

Down with the Menken–Horace Act!

And it was on this stormy night, some 56 years ago now, that an event which shaped our history was brewing.

I have called and called. That god-damned infernal nurse is not coming. I’m bleeding out of my wrinkled old anus! My shriveled pancreas is secreting yellowish fluid through my esophagus!

Hear me, witch! You wretched old withered husk of a woman!

I am a feeble, dying man. Yet with all my strength I cry out for the nurse. Every three seconds I bellow at the top of my shrunken, black lungs, encrusted as they are with printers’ ink and cigar resin: “Infernal nurse! Come to my aid!”

It was a night of legend, a night of which history is made. Magic was truly in the air.

I was remembering something just now. What was it? Ah, dammit.

Death to the heathen Chinese! Remember the Maine! 44-40 or fight! Loose lips sink ships! A chicken in every pot! Vote for Huey Long! Every man a king!

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