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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A Mistress Of The Mails

Several weeks ago, I received this note in the morning mails:

My Dear T. Herman,
I am a 20-year-old golden-haired virgin and your greatest admirer. No longer can I suppress my desire: I must have you. Nothing would thrill me more than to be by your side, but I am short of funds and require money for a train ticket, canal-barge fare, and a fancy new frock in which to greet you. Could you see your way into loaning me $300 cash? Your ever-loving and devoted,
Miss Bernadette Fiske.

I was so delighted, my colostomy bag promptly filled with a rich, golden urine. I had long been yearning for a mistress, and it was clear to me that this dear girl was the very flower of American womanhood. So, with the assistance of an elaborate mechanical hand-stabilizer, I wrote out and signed a cheque to Miss Fiske for the amount she had requested. Weeks passed and, although the cheque had been cashed, there was still no trace of Miss Bernadette Fiske. I even sent a regiment of my Swiss Guard to the return-address that she had listed, but they only found an abandoned rail-road switch-house. It was clear that I was the victim of a vamp, a loose woman of intrigue who saps the souls of men! Never again, I vowed, would I permit such a scoundreless to capture my heart and purse-strings alike!

Then, just yesterday, I received the following dispatch:

Darling T. Herman,
I apologize most deeply for my neglect of you. But it could not be avoided, for when I was ready to board the train, I received word that my sainted mother had fallen gravely ill. I ended up using your generous funds to nurse her back to health at a sanatorium. Now that she has recovered, I would like to join you. But I shall require $1,000; besides needing the necessary train and barge fare, I am in considerable debt with the sanatorium. Fives, tens and twenties preferred. I would be most grateful. Still your beloved,
Miss Bernadette Fiske.

Sweet girl! Only her beauty exceeds her charity! How could I ever doubt her sincerity? O, I am fairly swooning with passion for this pure maiden, who rivals the Virgin Mary her-self for sheer godliness! Good Miss Fiske, you shall have your money presently!

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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