A Night At The Moving-Daguerreotypes

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 03

Microsft Bids $2.1 Billion For Milton Berle Joke File

REDMOND, WA—Continuing its massive content-acquisition drive, Microsoft paid $2.1 billion Monday for Milton Berle's Joke File, the world's most vaunted collection of insults, gags and one-liners. "We aim to build the greatest archive in human history," Microsoft spokesperson Samantha Franks said, "and, as such, we needed to acquire the world's greatest jokes." Culled from the legendary comedian's six decades in show business—spanning Vaudeville, radio and television—the Milton Berle Joke File is believed to be the largest collection of zingers in existence, covering subjects ranging from mothers-in-law to schwartzes. Microsoft is also rumored to be interested in acquiring Rich Hall's extensive "Sniglets" lexicon.

New Toothbrush Slightly Different From Already Existing, Perfectly Good Toothbrushes

BELMONT, CA—At a press conference Monday, Oral-B Laboratories unveiled its much-anticipated new DentuTek 6.0 toothbrush, touted by its designers as slightly different from the hundreds of perfectly good toothbrushes currently on the market. "This toothbrush design is perfect for those who are not satisfied with the 846 existing toothbrush designs currently on the market," Oral-B director of product development Julianne Wuerfel said. "Finally, the American consumer has an 847th choice." According to Wuerfel, the DentuTek 6.0 features a patented ErgoDynamic(TM) handle, tapered to a curve vector almost .002 inches from its nearest competitor, the Colgate 34-XB, as well as a revolutionary new Tri-Level Bristle-Control System(TM). "We're very excited," Oral-B CEO Palmer Esch said. "Our team of toothbrush designers and engineers labored intensely to develop a toothbrush that fit within the infinitesimally small window of as-yet-undesigned toothbrush styles. And they did it."

AARP Calls For 'Comfier Booths' At Denny's

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a bold stand against discomfort, the American Association of Retired Persons called for "comfier booths" at America's approximately 500 Denny's restaurants Monday. "How long can Denny's management stand idly by while our nation's elderly eat their senior breakfast specials at booths that are merely adequate?" AARP president Marge Littlefield, 77, said. Among its principal demands, the AARP called for increased cushiness, more leg room and an adjustable back-rest feature for those seniors suffering from lower-back discomfort and/or osteoporosis. Additional demands included waitstaff-dispensed shawls, Epsom-salt foot baths at select tables, and specially designated nap areas.

Baseball Hall Of Fame Elected To Hall Of Fame Hall Of Fame

MAPLEWOOD, NJ—In a gala ceremony Monday, the Baseball Hall of Fame was inducted into the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame. Said Hall of Fame Hall of Fame president Darrell Quinlan: "There have been many extraordinary Halls of Fame through the years, but few quite so extraordinary as the Baseball Hall of Fame, with its long, proud tradition of inducting only the most extraordinary baseball players into its ranks." The Baseball Hall of Fame joins such legendary Halls of Fame as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Aviation Hall of Fame and the College Football Hall of Fame in the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame.

My Short Fiction Will Restore America's Romantic Spirit

Sadly, when I look around America today, I see a lack of romantic spirit. Men and women are no longer filled with wonder for the ethereal forces that drive them together. They're not looking up, starry-eyed, at the shimmering night sky. They're not dreaming of the dawn. They're not talking about love! But once my short fiction starts getting published, that should all change.

The UPS Strike

The weeks-old UPS strike is badly hurting America's small businesses—employers of 50 percent of the nation's workers—prompting many to call for President Clinton to step in and resolve the dispute. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

A Night At The Moving-Daguerreotypes

Inexplicably curious, I recently asked my faithful manservant Standish how the peasants deal with their pain and suffering, as they must have it in abundance. Standish said that people take their minds off their troubles by ingesting large quantities of alcoholic spirits and pharmaceutical compounds such as morphine or quinine, by fornicating with street-walkers, and by attending the vaude-ville amusements. He also said the moving-picture business has enjoyed much success of late.

"Pictures that move? By what means, Standish? An enormous zoetrope, or magic-lantern, mayhaps?" I queried.

"Neither, sir," he replied. "The photo-graphs are displayed in rapid sequence so as to evoke the illusion of movement, and with the use of an electro-powered illuminative apparatus are conveyed onto a large broad-cloth. Such images are shown nightly at the village theatre."

My usually numb extremities were flush with excitement. "Organize a raid on this theatre," I ordered, "and procure these moving-daguerreotypes with all deliberate speed, so that I may view them myself to-night!"

My private amuse-ment annex was decorated with colorful buntings and magnolia-boughs for the singular occasion. My opera-glasses were brought out of storage, and my top-hat brushed to a brilliant gloss. A gay night at the moving-daguerreotypes for me!

Sadly, it was a great disappointment, once the novelty of the life-like motion wore off. The evening's entertainment was an incoherent and vexing tale, presenting a jungle full of fierce reptiles, ladies immodestly clad in men's trousers, and random slayings of assorted ladies and gentlemen. Soon I could no longer bear another moment of the abomination. I ordered Standish to remove it from my sight post-haste, and to burn it and all other moving-daguerreotypes in existence in the estate court-yard.

I trust this was done, as I myself observed the licking flames of the conflagration. You people who have heretofore enjoyed the moving-daguerreotype presentations will simply have to find other ways to amuse yourself. Perhaps croquet could fill the void.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More