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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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A Night At The Moving-Daguerreotypes

Inexplicably curious, I recently asked my faithful manservant Standish how the peasants deal with their pain and suffering, as they must have it in abundance. Standish said that people take their minds off their troubles by ingesting large quantities of alcoholic spirits and pharmaceutical compounds such as morphine or quinine, by fornicating with street-walkers, and by attending the vaude-ville amusements. He also said the moving-picture business has enjoyed much success of late.

"Pictures that move? By what means, Standish? An enormous zoetrope, or magic-lantern, mayhaps?" I queried.

"Neither, sir," he replied. "The photo-graphs are displayed in rapid sequence so as to evoke the illusion of movement, and with the use of an electro-powered illuminative apparatus are conveyed onto a large broad-cloth. Such images are shown nightly at the village theatre."

My usually numb extremities were flush with excitement. "Organize a raid on this theatre," I ordered, "and procure these moving-daguerreotypes with all deliberate speed, so that I may view them myself to-night!"

My private amuse-ment annex was decorated with colorful buntings and magnolia-boughs for the singular occasion. My opera-glasses were brought out of storage, and my top-hat brushed to a brilliant gloss. A gay night at the moving-daguerreotypes for me!

Sadly, it was a great disappointment, once the novelty of the life-like motion wore off. The evening's entertainment was an incoherent and vexing tale, presenting a jungle full of fierce reptiles, ladies immodestly clad in men's trousers, and random slayings of assorted ladies and gentlemen. Soon I could no longer bear another moment of the abomination. I ordered Standish to remove it from my sight post-haste, and to burn it and all other moving-daguerreotypes in existence in the estate court-yard.

I trust this was done, as I myself observed the licking flames of the conflagration. You people who have heretofore enjoyed the moving-daguerreotype presentations will simply have to find other ways to amuse yourself. Perhaps croquet could fill the void.

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