adBlockCheck

A Night At The Moving-Daguerreotypes

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

A Night At The Moving-Daguerreotypes

Inexplicably curious, I recently asked my faithful manservant Standish how the peasants deal with their pain and suffering, as they must have it in abundance. Standish said that people take their minds off their troubles by ingesting large quantities of alcoholic spirits and pharmaceutical compounds such as morphine or quinine, by fornicating with street-walkers, and by attending the vaude-ville amusements. He also said the moving-picture business has enjoyed much success of late.

"Pictures that move? By what means, Standish? An enormous zoetrope, or magic-lantern, mayhaps?" I queried.

"Neither, sir," he replied. "The photo-graphs are displayed in rapid sequence so as to evoke the illusion of movement, and with the use of an electro-powered illuminative apparatus are conveyed onto a large broad-cloth. Such images are shown nightly at the village theatre."

My usually numb extremities were flush with excitement. "Organize a raid on this theatre," I ordered, "and procure these moving-daguerreotypes with all deliberate speed, so that I may view them myself to-night!"

My private amuse-ment annex was decorated with colorful buntings and magnolia-boughs for the singular occasion. My opera-glasses were brought out of storage, and my top-hat brushed to a brilliant gloss. A gay night at the moving-daguerreotypes for me!

Sadly, it was a great disappointment, once the novelty of the life-like motion wore off. The evening's entertainment was an incoherent and vexing tale, presenting a jungle full of fierce reptiles, ladies immodestly clad in men's trousers, and random slayings of assorted ladies and gentlemen. Soon I could no longer bear another moment of the abomination. I ordered Standish to remove it from my sight post-haste, and to burn it and all other moving-daguerreotypes in existence in the estate court-yard.

I trust this was done, as I myself observed the licking flames of the conflagration. You people who have heretofore enjoyed the moving-daguerreotype presentations will simply have to find other ways to amuse yourself. Perhaps croquet could fill the void.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close