A Portentous Estate Sale

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

So, in lieu of this transaction, I was forced to sift through my mansion to look for any salable items I might have laying about the place that would be suitable for the auction-block. I charged this important task to several servants, most of whom soon became unaccounted for, presumably either making mad-dashes for freedom or being consumed by the Mor-locks who reside in the base-ment.

A few managed to crawl back to the main foyer with some objects, of which I was able to select a catalogue that I fully believe will bring a good price and keep me in disposable diaper-maids for another quarter.

For sale on offer, certain items formerly attached to the Zweibel Estate:

Busts of Mother Zweibel, lot of 44, some tear-staining. An oaken credenza, five feet high by four feet deep by 86 feet long. Suitable for royalty. Plenty of space for china and silver-ware. Was once HMS Redoubtable, now decommissioned. The Stone Of Scone. One fine German-made Zeppelin, confiscated for religious reasons by T. Herman Zweibel's Swiss Guard. Warranty expired. No guarantee expressed or implied. Sporting shade of grey. Smells somewhat of mildew. A medium-sized casque of bright and shining jewels roughly the size of hen's eggs. Several bright-eyed buck Irish-men. The Type-setter's Stone, a mystical tailing of basalt which transforms gold into the purest lead. Several absconded ballot-boxes from the election of 1912. 12,044 quarts of billionaire's urine, in jars.

What a plethora of munificence! What glorious crap! I hate to part with it. But I have no doubt that it shall all be sold by the time you read this, and I shall be rolling in filthy lucre once more.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close