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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

So, in lieu of this transaction, I was forced to sift through my mansion to look for any salable items I might have laying about the place that would be suitable for the auction-block. I charged this important task to several servants, most of whom soon became unaccounted for, presumably either making mad-dashes for freedom or being consumed by the Mor-locks who reside in the base-ment.

A few managed to crawl back to the main foyer with some objects, of which I was able to select a catalogue that I fully believe will bring a good price and keep me in disposable diaper-maids for another quarter.

For sale on offer, certain items formerly attached to the Zweibel Estate:

Busts of Mother Zweibel, lot of 44, some tear-staining. An oaken credenza, five feet high by four feet deep by 86 feet long. Suitable for royalty. Plenty of space for china and silver-ware. Was once HMS Redoubtable, now decommissioned. The Stone Of Scone. One fine German-made Zeppelin, confiscated for religious reasons by T. Herman Zweibel's Swiss Guard. Warranty expired. No guarantee expressed or implied. Sporting shade of grey. Smells somewhat of mildew. A medium-sized casque of bright and shining jewels roughly the size of hen's eggs. Several bright-eyed buck Irish-men. The Type-setter's Stone, a mystical tailing of basalt which transforms gold into the purest lead. Several absconded ballot-boxes from the election of 1912. 12,044 quarts of billionaire's urine, in jars.

What a plethora of munificence! What glorious crap! I hate to part with it. But I have no doubt that it shall all be sold by the time you read this, and I shall be rolling in filthy lucre once more.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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