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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

So, in lieu of this transaction, I was forced to sift through my mansion to look for any salable items I might have laying about the place that would be suitable for the auction-block. I charged this important task to several servants, most of whom soon became unaccounted for, presumably either making mad-dashes for freedom or being consumed by the Mor-locks who reside in the base-ment.

A few managed to crawl back to the main foyer with some objects, of which I was able to select a catalogue that I fully believe will bring a good price and keep me in disposable diaper-maids for another quarter.

For sale on offer, certain items formerly attached to the Zweibel Estate:

Busts of Mother Zweibel, lot of 44, some tear-staining. An oaken credenza, five feet high by four feet deep by 86 feet long. Suitable for royalty. Plenty of space for china and silver-ware. Was once HMS Redoubtable, now decommissioned. The Stone Of Scone. One fine German-made Zeppelin, confiscated for religious reasons by T. Herman Zweibel's Swiss Guard. Warranty expired. No guarantee expressed or implied. Sporting shade of grey. Smells somewhat of mildew. A medium-sized casque of bright and shining jewels roughly the size of hen's eggs. Several bright-eyed buck Irish-men. The Type-setter's Stone, a mystical tailing of basalt which transforms gold into the purest lead. Several absconded ballot-boxes from the election of 1912. 12,044 quarts of billionaire's urine, in jars.

What a plethora of munificence! What glorious crap! I hate to part with it. But I have no doubt that it shall all be sold by the time you read this, and I shall be rolling in filthy lucre once more.

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