adBlockCheck

A Profanity Primer

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Surprises

A Profanity Primer

It enrages me beyond all tolerance to see what has be-come of people these days. There is not one man jack in a hundred with any back-bone any-more! Why, scarcely one man in ten butchers his own swine, wives are no longer taken by brute force, and duels are hardly ever fought, and then only with childish pistols, I am told, not the great spiked leaden mattocks of my youth! Why, the thick and fiery blood of this great Republic must be but a thin, pinkish drool in the veins of its so-called manhood.

I am afraid the state of our emasculation has become so advanced, to-day's men can no longer properly curse. Why, just yesterday I perused my mail to see what bile I had inspired in my lessers, and the worst thing anyone had to say about me was that I regularly engaged in rigorous sexual congress with the eliminatory orifice of my own mother! The tepid insult proved to me that contemporary man wouldn't know proper profanity if it were wrapped about his petard and set aflame.

Why, back in the good old days, my hated news-paper rival, P. Oliver Gummidge, would call me a "thrice-boiled China-man" and a "hogs-head of sour owl sick!" Now those were curses! None of this effete talk of the tire-some sexual act or of the depressing, twice-yearly prospect of voiding one's urine. They have no part in masculine obscenity! To shock and enrage a full-blooded he-man, one must invoke man-kind's most basic instinctual fears and loathings. Observe, now, as I swear as a proper lusty gentle-man should:

William Randolph Hearst is a pendulous-breasted Mennonite wet nurse! He becomes rampant at the very thought of rendering his member available to the suckling pigs! (Note that, although I am just warming up, my profanity is of a much higher quality than that to which you are accustomed.)

Pope Leo XIII is a great and noted expert regarding the raping of domestic fowl! He is drunk upon the curdled smegma of many doughty trades-men!

President Taft spends his days shrieking like a God-damned woman! Further-more, he regularly seeks the low company of immigrants, card-sharps, assorted boys and dandies, and beasts of the field!

Now, that is properly obscene! It also happens to be the truth, which is why I plan to have him garroted by Italian thugs. But that is a story for another time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close