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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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A Profanity Primer

It enrages me beyond all tolerance to see what has be-come of people these days. There is not one man jack in a hundred with any back-bone any-more! Why, scarcely one man in ten butchers his own swine, wives are no longer taken by brute force, and duels are hardly ever fought, and then only with childish pistols, I am told, not the great spiked leaden mattocks of my youth! Why, the thick and fiery blood of this great Republic must be but a thin, pinkish drool in the veins of its so-called manhood.

I am afraid the state of our emasculation has become so advanced, to-day's men can no longer properly curse. Why, just yesterday I perused my mail to see what bile I had inspired in my lessers, and the worst thing anyone had to say about me was that I regularly engaged in rigorous sexual congress with the eliminatory orifice of my own mother! The tepid insult proved to me that contemporary man wouldn't know proper profanity if it were wrapped about his petard and set aflame.

Why, back in the good old days, my hated news-paper rival, P. Oliver Gummidge, would call me a "thrice-boiled China-man" and a "hogs-head of sour owl sick!" Now those were curses! None of this effete talk of the tire-some sexual act or of the depressing, twice-yearly prospect of voiding one's urine. They have no part in masculine obscenity! To shock and enrage a full-blooded he-man, one must invoke man-kind's most basic instinctual fears and loathings. Observe, now, as I swear as a proper lusty gentle-man should:

William Randolph Hearst is a pendulous-breasted Mennonite wet nurse! He becomes rampant at the very thought of rendering his member available to the suckling pigs! (Note that, although I am just warming up, my profanity is of a much higher quality than that to which you are accustomed.)

Pope Leo XIII is a great and noted expert regarding the raping of domestic fowl! He is drunk upon the curdled smegma of many doughty trades-men!

President Taft spends his days shrieking like a God-damned woman! Further-more, he regularly seeks the low company of immigrants, card-sharps, assorted boys and dandies, and beasts of the field!

Now, that is properly obscene! It also happens to be the truth, which is why I plan to have him garroted by Italian thugs. But that is a story for another time.

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