A Profanity Primer

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

A Profanity Primer

It enrages me beyond all tolerance to see what has be-come of people these days. There is not one man jack in a hundred with any back-bone any-more! Why, scarcely one man in ten butchers his own swine, wives are no longer taken by brute force, and duels are hardly ever fought, and then only with childish pistols, I am told, not the great spiked leaden mattocks of my youth! Why, the thick and fiery blood of this great Republic must be but a thin, pinkish drool in the veins of its so-called manhood.

I am afraid the state of our emasculation has become so advanced, to-day's men can no longer properly curse. Why, just yesterday I perused my mail to see what bile I had inspired in my lessers, and the worst thing anyone had to say about me was that I regularly engaged in rigorous sexual congress with the eliminatory orifice of my own mother! The tepid insult proved to me that contemporary man wouldn't know proper profanity if it were wrapped about his petard and set aflame.

Why, back in the good old days, my hated news-paper rival, P. Oliver Gummidge, would call me a "thrice-boiled China-man" and a "hogs-head of sour owl sick!" Now those were curses! None of this effete talk of the tire-some sexual act or of the depressing, twice-yearly prospect of voiding one's urine. They have no part in masculine obscenity! To shock and enrage a full-blooded he-man, one must invoke man-kind's most basic instinctual fears and loathings. Observe, now, as I swear as a proper lusty gentle-man should:

William Randolph Hearst is a pendulous-breasted Mennonite wet nurse! He becomes rampant at the very thought of rendering his member available to the suckling pigs! (Note that, although I am just warming up, my profanity is of a much higher quality than that to which you are accustomed.)

Pope Leo XIII is a great and noted expert regarding the raping of domestic fowl! He is drunk upon the curdled smegma of many doughty trades-men!

President Taft spends his days shrieking like a God-damned woman! Further-more, he regularly seeks the low company of immigrants, card-sharps, assorted boys and dandies, and beasts of the field!

Now, that is properly obscene! It also happens to be the truth, which is why I plan to have him garroted by Italian thugs. But that is a story for another time.