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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A Satisfactory Denouement

Last week, I described how, upon losing my stolen fortune in an ambush, I was kidnapped by the villainous Black Scarlet, who spirited me off to an abandoned granary to await the dispatchment of a great deal of ransom-money. I asked Black Scarlet if he would set me free upon receipt of the money. "Set you free? Never!" he exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "You shall for-ever remain my captive and be as free as those you have kept in shackles for so long!" Curse the cheeky scoundrel! I have never once kept any-one in shackles, excepting a few of my servants and the wife.

Some time later, Black Scarlet emerged from the granary to meet those who were assigned to drop off the bundle. Suddenly, the sound of gun-shots rang forth, and Black Scarlet dove back into the granary. The villain had not counted on a posse of law-men accompanying the ransom!

But my glee was soon squelched when Black Scarlet snatched me and held his duelling epee to my throat. "I've got Old Man Zweibel in here with me," he shouted to the law-men. "Hold your fire, or I'll run him through with my gay blade."

The stand-off lasted days. We were running out of food and water, but Black Scarlet grimly refused to surrender. Then, some-thing extra-ordinary happened.

Several weeks prior, Black Scarlet's real identity, "Freddie Mercury," had been publicly exposed through this very column. As a result, every-one knew who Black Scarlet was, including his old band-mates in the orchestra he had once conducted, called I believe "The Queens-men." Any-way, the band-mates had traveled to the scene of the stand-off to try to persuade Black Scarlet to renounce his mad ways, reminding him how much fun they once had performing in the Queens-men orchestra. Deeply moved, Black Scarlet began to weep like a little girl and eventually emerged from the granary, dropping his epee and howling some-thing about missing all those "fat-bottomed girls." It was all very distasteful to me.

But my disgust quickly turned to joy when Black Scarlet was clapped into irons and carried off in a paddy-wagon, and I was tearfully reunited with dear Standish, Nurse Pin-head, Doc McGillicuddy, Augustus the stable-boy, and the 652-room mansion I could call home once again.

In short order, I was back safe in my cozy death-bed before a roaring heart

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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