A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure was. I needed a dose of Drew Barrymore more than ever, with the one-two punch of Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz. And, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I got Moore... Demi Moore! Let me tell you, she kicked "2" much butt all over the screen.

Speaking of the lovely Ms. Moore, the word on the street is that she's involved in a May-December romance with none other than future "Where Are They Now" candidate Asheton Koosher. Demi, didn't you get enough of him in the Dell computer ads? If you want a Scott Baio type, then go to the source and watch some of the classic episodes of Joanie Loves Chacha. Wise up, dear. You can do better—like your last husband, Bruce "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?" Willis. Now, there's a man with class.

How is it that the Swiss got so famous for banking? In the movies, money is always being transferred to Swiss bank accounts, but the Swiss are about so much more than banks. They're also famous for watches, army knives, iced tea, and chocolate. Oh, and the Alps! Hollywood, it's high time you celebrated all things Swiss and stop portraying Sweden as a country full of greedy banking villains! Let them have their dignity.

Everybody's talkin' at me about the new CD from Fifty Cents, so I decided to pick up a copy at my local music store. Boy, was I in for an education! Did you know that music stores now sell used CDs at a discount? In fact, they had a bin of CDs marked down to under $2. I couldn't believe what I found: Spice Girls, Alannis Morisette, Baha Men. I forgot all about Fifty Cents and walked out with an armload of classics. I'd go back, but I'm afraid I might spend my whole paycheck!

Item! Adam Sandler, the Jewish Jerry Lewis, tied the knot with longtime fiancée supermodel Jackie Titrone. In true comic fashion, his little dog Meatball was all decked out in a dog tuxedo and served as best man. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see all the funny stuff that went on behind the scenes. Maybe Rob Schneider made some of his trademark crazy faces. Anyway, I hope the new Mrs. Sandler can settle him down without taking away his ability to make us laugh. Mazel tov!

It's barbecue season, and I love nothing better than to slap a slab of beef on the grill. For such a special occasion, I'll share my special recipe for Jackie Harvey's Name In Lights Burger. Ready? Take two pounds of ground beef. Add a small minced (that means chopped up very fine) yellow onion, two cloves of garlic, 1/4 teaspoon of salt, one tablespoon of dill, and no fewer than five twists of fresh ground pepper. That's fresh ground pepper, not the kind in a can. Now, roll up your sleeves, because you're going to be mixing it with your hands. Shape the beef into five patties and you're ready to dazzle! Serve some of these at your next cookout, and I guarantee you'll be the blockbuster of the block. (Don't worry, I'll never tell your secret!)

Item! The new season of Sex In The City is on, and if you don't have Sex In The City Fever, you must be living under a rock! I'm not sure what to expect, since I don't have HBO, and I only have the first three seasons on DVD. I hope Chris Noth makes a big splash as Mr. Big again. He's really the one for Carrie. Since I won't be able to follow the action, I'll just pop in the DVDs, watch one episode a week, and pretend they're new. By the season's end, they'll release a new season on DVD so I can get up to speed.

Are you as tired as I am of thongs, especially the ones you can see in the back because the girls wear those lowrider jeans and half-shirts? My grandmother used to say that you shouldn't sell the chicken when there's still eggs left in it. Have some modesty, ladies.

Speaking of modesty, the hot song of the summer has to be "Camel Toe" by the band Fanny Pack. The subject of the song seems to be some sort of fashion problem of a female nature. Keep your ears open, because I'm sure you'll hear more from Fanny Pack in the coming years.

Item! Everybody's buddy, Hollywood legend Buddy Hackett, is dead from undisclosed causes. You may remember him from the classic movie It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Life or his years playing Jed Clampett on TV. On the comedy stage, he may have worked blue from time to time, but in the end he left me blue with his passing. Rest in peace, Buddy.

I hate getting parked in by some insensitive jerk. It happened the other day, and I almost left a note under his windshield, but I decided I didn't want to stoop to his level. I'm sure he'll get what's coming to him eventually.

Well, that wraps it up for The Outside Scoop. I have to take some time at the lake to recharge my batteries. It's a yearly ritual for me. I hope you also get a chance to cool down wherever you are, so we're all rested up for my next installment. I don't want to give away too much, but I have a hot lead about a certain Jeremy Piven's weakness for that all-American delicacy, the hot dog. Until then, I'm Jackie Harvey, and you're a treasured reader.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close