A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

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Vol 39 Issue 27

Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From

CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant Samuel Werton was coming from. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying," said Spiveck, moments before handing down a sentence. "If my old lady stayed out drinking until 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd be tempted to run her over with the Dodge myself. But, dude, you can't do that. You've got to learn to keep it under control, see." Spiveck then warmly patted Werton on the shoulder and sentenced him to 90 days in the Lafayette County Lockup.

Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain

NEW YORK—While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite being the only person in the building. "Would somebody please bring me some coffee?" shouted Seidenberg from his desk at approximately 11:30 p.m. "I need a cup of coffee—with two sugars. Dolores? Janice? Coffee?" Seidenberg alternated his requests for coffee with announcements that printer tray number two was out of paper.

Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

CHUGWATER, WY—In light of their recent antagonistic correspondence, 8-year-old Ryan Werther has decided that 7-year-old Trenton, NJ, resident Dashiell Kudia has changed from his pen pal to his pen foe. "You wer [sic] so wrong when you said the Fairly Oddparents are as good as Spongebob," Kudia penned in a letter Werther received Monday. "You can go jump off a brij [sic] for all I care because you are no longer my friend." Kudia's letter ended with a tersely written "So there."

Kraft Goes On A Diet

Kraft Foods recently announced it will join the fught against obesity by cutting portion sizes and altering recipes of many its top products. What other changes is the company planning?

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure was. I needed a dose of Drew Barrymore more than ever, with the one-two punch of Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz. And, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I got Moore... Demi Moore! Let me tell you, she kicked "2" much butt all over the screen.

Speaking of the lovely Ms. Moore, the word on the street is that she's involved in a May-December romance with none other than future "Where Are They Now" candidate Asheton Koosher. Demi, didn't you get enough of him in the Dell computer ads? If you want a Scott Baio type, then go to the source and watch some of the classic episodes of Joanie Loves Chacha. Wise up, dear. You can do better—like your last husband, Bruce "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?" Willis. Now, there's a man with class.

How is it that the Swiss got so famous for banking? In the movies, money is always being transferred to Swiss bank accounts, but the Swiss are about so much more than banks. They're also famous for watches, army knives, iced tea, and chocolate. Oh, and the Alps! Hollywood, it's high time you celebrated all things Swiss and stop portraying Sweden as a country full of greedy banking villains! Let them have their dignity.

Everybody's talkin' at me about the new CD from Fifty Cents, so I decided to pick up a copy at my local music store. Boy, was I in for an education! Did you know that music stores now sell used CDs at a discount? In fact, they had a bin of CDs marked down to under $2. I couldn't believe what I found: Spice Girls, Alannis Morisette, Baha Men. I forgot all about Fifty Cents and walked out with an armload of classics. I'd go back, but I'm afraid I might spend my whole paycheck!

Item! Adam Sandler, the Jewish Jerry Lewis, tied the knot with longtime fiancée supermodel Jackie Titrone. In true comic fashion, his little dog Meatball was all decked out in a dog tuxedo and served as best man. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see all the funny stuff that went on behind the scenes. Maybe Rob Schneider made some of his trademark crazy faces. Anyway, I hope the new Mrs. Sandler can settle him down without taking away his ability to make us laugh. Mazel tov!

It's barbecue season, and I love nothing better than to slap a slab of beef on the grill. For such a special occasion, I'll share my special recipe for Jackie Harvey's Name In Lights Burger. Ready? Take two pounds of ground beef. Add a small minced (that means chopped up very fine) yellow onion, two cloves of garlic, 1/4 teaspoon of salt, one tablespoon of dill, and no fewer than five twists of fresh ground pepper. That's fresh ground pepper, not the kind in a can. Now, roll up your sleeves, because you're going to be mixing it with your hands. Shape the beef into five patties and you're ready to dazzle! Serve some of these at your next cookout, and I guarantee you'll be the blockbuster of the block. (Don't worry, I'll never tell your secret!)

Item! The new season of Sex In The City is on, and if you don't have Sex In The City Fever, you must be living under a rock! I'm not sure what to expect, since I don't have HBO, and I only have the first three seasons on DVD. I hope Chris Noth makes a big splash as Mr. Big again. He's really the one for Carrie. Since I won't be able to follow the action, I'll just pop in the DVDs, watch one episode a week, and pretend they're new. By the season's end, they'll release a new season on DVD so I can get up to speed.

Are you as tired as I am of thongs, especially the ones you can see in the back because the girls wear those lowrider jeans and half-shirts? My grandmother used to say that you shouldn't sell the chicken when there's still eggs left in it. Have some modesty, ladies.

Speaking of modesty, the hot song of the summer has to be "Camel Toe" by the band Fanny Pack. The subject of the song seems to be some sort of fashion problem of a female nature. Keep your ears open, because I'm sure you'll hear more from Fanny Pack in the coming years.

Item! Everybody's buddy, Hollywood legend Buddy Hackett, is dead from undisclosed causes. You may remember him from the classic movie It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Life or his years playing Jed Clampett on TV. On the comedy stage, he may have worked blue from time to time, but in the end he left me blue with his passing. Rest in peace, Buddy.

I hate getting parked in by some insensitive jerk. It happened the other day, and I almost left a note under his windshield, but I decided I didn't want to stoop to his level. I'm sure he'll get what's coming to him eventually.

Well, that wraps it up for The Outside Scoop. I have to take some time at the lake to recharge my batteries. It's a yearly ritual for me. I hope you also get a chance to cool down wherever you are, so we're all rested up for my next installment. I don't want to give away too much, but I have a hot lead about a certain Jeremy Piven's weakness for that all-American delicacy, the hot dog. Until then, I'm Jackie Harvey, and you're a treasured reader.

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