A Shocking Turn Of Events

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Real Estate


A Shocking Turn Of Events

Having nearly been shot to pieces by an impudent member of the yeoman class, Standish and I fled in terror across the valley. I ask you, what-ever happened to the milk of human kindness? Strip a man of his fortune and status, and suddenly he is a marked man, the target of antipathy of every shape and stripe!

What I wouldn't have given to be back on the Zweibel Estate in my cozy death-bed, squatting over my jewel-encrusted bed-pan. Instead, I was forced to fend for my-self in the wild against rabid bob-cats and carnivorous trees.

By night-fall, Standish and I had finally managed to retreat to the wooded ridge. It was sad to look at Standish, who was but a hollow semblance of his former self. His once-immaculate livery was stained with dirt and covered with brambles and nettles. I saw my own reflection in a small puddle of water and could not believe how ghastly I looked. I'm 132 years old, but I looked more like 146!

I had finally come to the end. All in all, it had been a nice life. I had been the publisher of the Republic's finest news-paper; how many can claim that? I also had my own private slaughter-house and a giant oil portrait of Kaiser Wilhelm. And I once kissed Sophie Tucker square on the lips. But now, it was all over. "Let us go to the top of the ridge," I told Standish, "and cast ourselves off. The world no longer needs T. Herman Zweibel, nor his man-servant."

We started up the ridge, but as we progressed, the woods grew thicker and darker. The moon disappeared, and we realized we had taken a wrong turn. We were about to reverse our steps, when we noticed, directly ahead of us, a flaming torch. Approaching the torch, we found that its light revealed a well-trodden path. We followed the path and discovered a long row of evenly spaced torches beside it. "This must lead to some kind of camp, Standish," I said. "Proceed with caution. A posse could be lying in wait for us."

The sound of music and laughter grew louder. Eventually, we came upon a clearing and ducked behind a bush to conceal our-selves. Nothing could have prepared us for what we saw in that clearing.

It was my vast fortune! My gold bullion! My diamonds! My chalices! My frankincense! My diadems! My six Excaliburs!

And, more shocking still, frolicking and cavorting in the middle of it all... the thieving highway-man Black Scarlet!!! ...and Mr. Tin!!!