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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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A Tale Of Inspiration

My stock-broker Hargreaves recently told me upon the voice-telegraphical device that there is great anxiety around the Republic because of financial woes in the Orient. As a 132-year-old man, I have seen how the Republic's economic fortunes ebb and flow like the tide. Certainly, many of you will experience troubles, and some of you will take your lives as a result, which is probably for the better. Never-the-less, I wish to assure you young squabs that every-thing will eventually work out.

If you remain skeptical of my optimism, let me tell you a true and inspiring story of how tenacity and pluck led a penniless people to greater glory.

Back in the decade of the 1930s, the Republic was under-going a period of great economic turmoil known as The Great Compression. Wall Street speculators leaped to their deaths! Banks failed! The Plains soil turned to dust! A loaf of bread was worth 11 million Deutschmarks! It was madness, I tell you, sheer madness!

The American people had suddenly been cast into poverty and want, and there was seemingly no-thing they could do to remedy the situation. Stricken with despair, they fled into the Big Woods. They were about to cast them-selves off a high precipice, when, all of a sudden, the ground began to shake, and a deafening rustling of leaves and branches sounded from the Big Woods. Out emerged Paul Bunyan and his trusty Blue Ox, Babe!

When Paul Bunyan saw that the American people were about to hurl them-selves off the precipice, he dropped his ax and ran to pick them up and put them down on a grassy thicket. "Why do you wish to end your lives?' he demanded. "We are destitute and miserable because of the Great Compression," they wailed.

Paul Bunyan was disgusted by the apparent weakness of the American people, but he resolved that he must use his great girth and strength to rescue them. So he chopped down the trees and made little cabins for them, and for their blankets, he cooked big pan-cakes. Then he yoked up Babe and plowed the land, and planted crops. He showed the American people how to turn raw materials into finished goods, and he picked up the mighty Missouri River and used it to power an enormous steel factory he had also built.

By 1940, Americans were employed and holding their heads high once more! But storm-clouds of war appeared on the horizon, and soon the American people would have a new task. So Paul Bunyan picked up his axe and with Babe disappeared into the Far North, never to be seen again.

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