A Tale Of Inspiration

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Vol 34 Issue 14

Concerned Parents Demand Removal Of Arsenic From Periodic Table Of Elements

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Citing the threat posed to their children's safety, a Grand Rapids-area parents group is calling for the removal of arsenic from the periodic table of elements. "Our schoolchildren, some as young as the fourth grade, are being exposed to this deadly element in their science classes," said Tricia Montcalm, president of the Grand Rapids Parents Association. "We insist that this poison be removed from the periodic table and replaced with a safe, non-toxic element." To date, the group has raised over $4,500 for the development of a replacement element, "Nickelodeum," a springy, child-safe play foam with an atomic number of 33.

Hate-Crime Bill Stalled By Pro-Hate Lobby

WASHINGTON, DC–Congressional passage of a landmark hate-crime bill is being delayed by the nation's powerful pro-hate lobby, it was reported Tuesday. "If this bill were to pass, hatred would be illegal in all 50 states," said Terrence Boswell, president of Americans For Hate. "This bill, which requires all Amercians to get along and like each other, goes against everything our organization believes in, and we are taking a stand." Americans For Hate's lobbying efforts have won over numerous legislators, including U.S. Rep. William Schourek (R-TX), who was re-elected to Congress Tuesday on a pro-hate platform. "Hate is a vital aspect of our shared culture, and it would be deeply missed if it were to disappear," Schourek said.

Area Man Reduced To This

CORBIN, KY–Local food-service worker Earl Baxter was reduced to this Tuesday, when a Hardee's customer lost a metal bracelet in the restaurant's dumpster and Baxter's manager instructed him to retrieve it. "So, this is how far I've come," said Baxter, wading through the giant trash receptacle in search of the mislaid bauble. "I'm actually reduced to this." His arms blackened to the elbows by coffee grounds, Baxter noted that he could have been a mechanic earning $30,000 a year by now, had he gone to trade school. "Woulda gotten me outta this," said the reduced-to-this Baxter.

Young Girl Provides Home For Stray Bullet

CHICAGO–Eight-year-old Ashley Jennings, described as "the sweetest little girl in the whole world," provided a warm, comfortable home for a stray bullet Monday. "Ashley opened up her heart and let that bullet in," Chicago police officer Michael O'Shea said. "This was the kind of girl who would give you her last dime, stop to help a stranger or give a wayward shard of hot metal a place to stay in her chest." Said Jeff Kutcher, who witnessed the act of hospitality, "A fraction of a second after the bullet left its former home, Ashley unhesitatingly gave it a new one. If all of Chicago's children were as kind-hearted as Ashley, no bullet would ever go homeless again."

I Been Thinking Political Lately

Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of shit going down. You know how it goes. Same old, same old. Like the wise man said, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

We Must Repaint Our Nation's Crumbling Infrastructure

As we hurtle toward the next millennium, we should take a moment to pause and judiciously examine the state of our country. The years ahead will no doubt bring wondrous advances in computers, HDTV, electric automobiles, and the like. But none of this will matter if we do not address the most pressing problem facing us today–the sorry state of our nation's physical infrastructure.
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A Tale Of Inspiration

My stock-broker Hargreaves recently told me upon the voice-telegraphical device that there is great anxiety around the Republic because of financial woes in the Orient. As a 132-year-old man, I have seen how the Republic's economic fortunes ebb and flow like the tide. Certainly, many of you will experience troubles, and some of you will take your lives as a result, which is probably for the better. Never-the-less, I wish to assure you young squabs that every-thing will eventually work out.

If you remain skeptical of my optimism, let me tell you a true and inspiring story of how tenacity and pluck led a penniless people to greater glory.

Back in the decade of the 1930s, the Republic was under-going a period of great economic turmoil known as The Great Compression. Wall Street speculators leaped to their deaths! Banks failed! The Plains soil turned to dust! A loaf of bread was worth 11 million Deutschmarks! It was madness, I tell you, sheer madness!

The American people had suddenly been cast into poverty and want, and there was seemingly no-thing they could do to remedy the situation. Stricken with despair, they fled into the Big Woods. They were about to cast them-selves off a high precipice, when, all of a sudden, the ground began to shake, and a deafening rustling of leaves and branches sounded from the Big Woods. Out emerged Paul Bunyan and his trusty Blue Ox, Babe!

When Paul Bunyan saw that the American people were about to hurl them-selves off the precipice, he dropped his ax and ran to pick them up and put them down on a grassy thicket. "Why do you wish to end your lives?' he demanded. "We are destitute and miserable because of the Great Compression," they wailed.

Paul Bunyan was disgusted by the apparent weakness of the American people, but he resolved that he must use his great girth and strength to rescue them. So he chopped down the trees and made little cabins for them, and for their blankets, he cooked big pan-cakes. Then he yoked up Babe and plowed the land, and planted crops. He showed the American people how to turn raw materials into finished goods, and he picked up the mighty Missouri River and used it to power an enormous steel factory he had also built.

By 1940, Americans were employed and holding their heads high once more! But storm-clouds of war appeared on the horizon, and soon the American people would have a new task. So Paul Bunyan picked up his axe and with Babe disappeared into the Far North, never to be seen again.

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