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A Tale Of Inspiration

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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A Tale Of Inspiration

My stock-broker Hargreaves recently told me upon the voice-telegraphical device that there is great anxiety around the Republic because of financial woes in the Orient. As a 132-year-old man, I have seen how the Republic's economic fortunes ebb and flow like the tide. Certainly, many of you will experience troubles, and some of you will take your lives as a result, which is probably for the better. Never-the-less, I wish to assure you young squabs that every-thing will eventually work out.

If you remain skeptical of my optimism, let me tell you a true and inspiring story of how tenacity and pluck led a penniless people to greater glory.

Back in the decade of the 1930s, the Republic was under-going a period of great economic turmoil known as The Great Compression. Wall Street speculators leaped to their deaths! Banks failed! The Plains soil turned to dust! A loaf of bread was worth 11 million Deutschmarks! It was madness, I tell you, sheer madness!

The American people had suddenly been cast into poverty and want, and there was seemingly no-thing they could do to remedy the situation. Stricken with despair, they fled into the Big Woods. They were about to cast them-selves off a high precipice, when, all of a sudden, the ground began to shake, and a deafening rustling of leaves and branches sounded from the Big Woods. Out emerged Paul Bunyan and his trusty Blue Ox, Babe!

When Paul Bunyan saw that the American people were about to hurl them-selves off the precipice, he dropped his ax and ran to pick them up and put them down on a grassy thicket. "Why do you wish to end your lives?' he demanded. "We are destitute and miserable because of the Great Compression," they wailed.

Paul Bunyan was disgusted by the apparent weakness of the American people, but he resolved that he must use his great girth and strength to rescue them. So he chopped down the trees and made little cabins for them, and for their blankets, he cooked big pan-cakes. Then he yoked up Babe and plowed the land, and planted crops. He showed the American people how to turn raw materials into finished goods, and he picked up the mighty Missouri River and used it to power an enormous steel factory he had also built.

By 1940, Americans were employed and holding their heads high once more! But storm-clouds of war appeared on the horizon, and soon the American people would have a new task. So Paul Bunyan picked up his axe and with Babe disappeared into the Far North, never to be seen again.

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