adBlockCheck

A Thrilling Climax

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

A Thrilling Climax

Last week, I told you how Standish and I had happened upon my vast fortune in a clearing in the middle of a forest. My joy at finding my precious wealth soon faded, however, when I espied my thieving nemesis, Black Scarlet, cavorting with none other than Mr. Tin, the ro-bot who once served as my nurse.

Faithful readers of the Publisher's Message will recall how, several Christ-mases ago, Mr. Tin fell madly in love with my iron lung and abandoned my employ, wheeling away his beloved with him. Treacherous metal turn-coat! He despised me because I never returned his pathetic entreaties for love and acceptance!

Seething, I could only watch helplessly behind a bush as Black Scarlet and Mr. Tin reveled amongst their ill-gotten gain. As they frolicked, I strained to hear their conversation with my ear-trumpet.

"Tin, my friend," Black Scarlet said, "thanks to you, I have achieved my long-time goal of relieving the vile plutocrat Zweibel of his riches. Many times I have bribed and cajoled his servants to disclose the where-abouts of the swag, but only you knew its precise location. You shall be rewarded handsomely, good ro-bot Tin!"

"How it cheers me to know," Black Scarlet continued, "that old Zweibel is as penniless as those he so cruelly exploited! And now, I will be able to distribute this booty to the deserving home-less and destitute, discard my red-and-black mask, and return to public life once again under my true identity: the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury! No, I did not die in 1991—I went under-ground and assumed the unlikely alias of a saucy, epee-wielding, devil-may-care gentle-man-bandit of the open road!"

I did not understand Black Scarlet's latter remarks, but his cheek so other-wise enraged me that, in a burst of energy the likes of which I have not felt since I was 94, I fought off Standish's restraint and raised myself from my wheel-chair.

"Wretch!" I cried. "You may have stolen my fortune, but you shall not complete your nefarious mission if I have any-thing to do with it! Yes, 'tis I, T. Herman Zweibel, and I have come to reclaim both my dignity and my wealth! Standish, procure the bowie-knife! I shall run this evil-doer through and restore the tarnished Zweibel name to all its lustrous glory! Stand and deliver, scheming black-guard!"

Black Scarlet looked as though he had seen a ghost. But before he could recover, a booming voice and the click of a gun's safety sounded through-out the clearing.

"Sheriff's deputy! Reach for the sky, and don't move!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close