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A Walk In The Woods

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...

N. Aeschylus, is it just me, or is the mansion in flames? And why did you just incinerate Nurse Pin-head with your eye-balls? My goodness, I haven't seen so many dead bodies since the Galveston Hurricane. Did you do this, N. Aeschylus? Far be it from me to put a damper on a young boy's spirited antics, but the laws of our Republic tend to frown upon arson and the murder of human beings, even if they are just servants.

You are taking me into the woods? Look how the snow-flakes are swirling! The whole estate has been blanketed in a peaceful white. Everything is still as a tomb. Well, if you don't count the shrieks emanating from the burning mansion.

What is this? We have reached a clearing in the woods where a giant metal obelisk points its needle-nose to the heavens. This must be the device N. Aeschylus has been working on in the nursery recently. Very impressive, dear boy! Is this your coy way of telling me you wish to join the Masons? You only needed to ask! I'm sure I can secure you a summer internship.

Thank you for setting me down on this stone slab, boy. I must admit, I feel a bit tuckered-out from our constitutional. But are the leather straps really necessary? And what is that whirling metal wheel extruding from your arm? N. Aeschylus? N. Aeschylus?

What's this? An army of black-clad, sword-wielding men are springing from the trees! It's... I can't believe it... The Society Of 800 Avenging Fists! They are the Chinee assassins dispatched by Li Ming, my rival for the title of World's Oldest Man, to avenge my own attempt on his life! Help! Police! Murder! Poison! Save me, N. Aeschylus, save me! Train your fiery eye-beams on them! Slice them limb from limb! Oh, dear: They're swarming all over him! Courage, N. Aeschylus!

Standish! What are you doing here? Quick, untie me from this slab! There's no time to lose! What? You say there's an opening to the metal obelisk? Let's hide in there before the sinister yellow-men see us! Oh, this is terrible! I'm quite sure I just shat out my rib-cage from fear!

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