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A Walk In The Woods

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...

N. Aeschylus, is it just me, or is the mansion in flames? And why did you just incinerate Nurse Pin-head with your eye-balls? My goodness, I haven't seen so many dead bodies since the Galveston Hurricane. Did you do this, N. Aeschylus? Far be it from me to put a damper on a young boy's spirited antics, but the laws of our Republic tend to frown upon arson and the murder of human beings, even if they are just servants.

You are taking me into the woods? Look how the snow-flakes are swirling! The whole estate has been blanketed in a peaceful white. Everything is still as a tomb. Well, if you don't count the shrieks emanating from the burning mansion.

What is this? We have reached a clearing in the woods where a giant metal obelisk points its needle-nose to the heavens. This must be the device N. Aeschylus has been working on in the nursery recently. Very impressive, dear boy! Is this your coy way of telling me you wish to join the Masons? You only needed to ask! I'm sure I can secure you a summer internship.

Thank you for setting me down on this stone slab, boy. I must admit, I feel a bit tuckered-out from our constitutional. But are the leather straps really necessary? And what is that whirling metal wheel extruding from your arm? N. Aeschylus? N. Aeschylus?

What's this? An army of black-clad, sword-wielding men are springing from the trees! It's... I can't believe it... The Society Of 800 Avenging Fists! They are the Chinee assassins dispatched by Li Ming, my rival for the title of World's Oldest Man, to avenge my own attempt on his life! Help! Police! Murder! Poison! Save me, N. Aeschylus, save me! Train your fiery eye-beams on them! Slice them limb from limb! Oh, dear: They're swarming all over him! Courage, N. Aeschylus!

Standish! What are you doing here? Quick, untie me from this slab! There's no time to lose! What? You say there's an opening to the metal obelisk? Let's hide in there before the sinister yellow-men see us! Oh, this is terrible! I'm quite sure I just shat out my rib-cage from fear!

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