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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...

N. Aeschylus, is it just me, or is the mansion in flames? And why did you just incinerate Nurse Pin-head with your eye-balls? My goodness, I haven't seen so many dead bodies since the Galveston Hurricane. Did you do this, N. Aeschylus? Far be it from me to put a damper on a young boy's spirited antics, but the laws of our Republic tend to frown upon arson and the murder of human beings, even if they are just servants.

You are taking me into the woods? Look how the snow-flakes are swirling! The whole estate has been blanketed in a peaceful white. Everything is still as a tomb. Well, if you don't count the shrieks emanating from the burning mansion.

What is this? We have reached a clearing in the woods where a giant metal obelisk points its needle-nose to the heavens. This must be the device N. Aeschylus has been working on in the nursery recently. Very impressive, dear boy! Is this your coy way of telling me you wish to join the Masons? You only needed to ask! I'm sure I can secure you a summer internship.

Thank you for setting me down on this stone slab, boy. I must admit, I feel a bit tuckered-out from our constitutional. But are the leather straps really necessary? And what is that whirling metal wheel extruding from your arm? N. Aeschylus? N. Aeschylus?

What's this? An army of black-clad, sword-wielding men are springing from the trees! It's... I can't believe it... The Society Of 800 Avenging Fists! They are the Chinee assassins dispatched by Li Ming, my rival for the title of World's Oldest Man, to avenge my own attempt on his life! Help! Police! Murder! Poison! Save me, N. Aeschylus, save me! Train your fiery eye-beams on them! Slice them limb from limb! Oh, dear: They're swarming all over him! Courage, N. Aeschylus!

Standish! What are you doing here? Quick, untie me from this slab! There's no time to lose! What? You say there's an opening to the metal obelisk? Let's hide in there before the sinister yellow-men see us! Oh, this is terrible! I'm quite sure I just shat out my rib-cage from fear!

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