A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

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Vol 36 Issue 40

Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School

JASPER, GA–A half-empty bottle of Malibu rum was discovered Monday in the woods behind Jasper Junior High School by a trio of eighth-graders. "We have located alcohol," said Mason Reed, 14, upon making the coconut-flavored find. "Repeat: We have alcohol." Following their one-cap-at-a-time consumption of the bottle's contents, Reed and partners Jake Seidel and Jesse Kite took turns insisting that they felt drunk.

Kinko's Patron Pulls The Old Copy-Key Switcheroo

LAWRENCE, KS–Kinko's patron Matt Morrow, 21, saved $9.23 Tuesday when he pulled the old copy-key switcheroo. "After making 200 copies of a flier for my band's upcoming gig, I put back the copy key and took a fresh one. I then used the new key to make 11 decoy copies, which I paid for." Morrow, a self-described "broke-ass bassist," called the five cents Kinko's charges per photocopy "a total rip."

Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE–Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply. "We are imploring Zimbabwe and Tanzania, please look into your hearts and think about loaning our nation just a few million rolls until we can go shopping again," President Joaquim Chissano said. "We are just sitting here." Chissano said citizens of the African nation are making do with napkins and paper towels until reinforcements arrive.

Report: TV Teens 15 Times More Likely To Crack Wise Than Real Teens

NEW YORK–According to a report released Tuesday by the Center For Media Studies, TV teens out-wisecrack real-life teens by a 15-to-1 margin. Said researcher Dr. Andrea Brewer: "Our study found that, when told by a parent, 'You know, son, when I was a kid, I didn't have my own TV in my room,' actual teens were far less likely to respond, 'Yeah, that's 'cause they hadn't been invented yet!' than their fictional counterparts." Brewer noted that the handful of real-life teens who make such smart-alecky retorts have a mere 2 percent chance of being met with laughter and applause.

NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone

MINNEAPOLIS–Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed "countless" personals ads over the years, wondered aloud Monday why she can't find someone special. "All I want is to find a D/D-free NS/ND/C/SWM who shares my strong morals and doesn't waste his time going to bars and parties," the 32-year-old said. "For some reason, no men seem to respond to that description."

The Low Voter Turnout

Despite being one of the closest presidential races in decades, the 2000 election drew a disappointingly low turnout. What do you think?

Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:

Wal-Mart In Cyberspace

Amid much hype, Wal-Mart, the world's largest retailer, launched Walmart.com earlier this month. What are some of the features of the online store?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

Item! Are you sitting down? I've just received some very, very bad news. A reliable source tells me that Hollywood's actors and writers are preparing to strike, meaning no movie magic in 2001! At first, I thought this was some kind of sick joke, but apparently it's true. Come on, Tinseltown, surely there must be some way for you to settle your differences without resorting to measures that would devastate the rest of us. I was all set to spend next year at my local dodecaplex, enjoying the big-screen thrills of Josie And The Pussycats, The General's Daughter II, and whatever Jerry Bruckheimer had in store. Now what will I do?

Item! Model-actress Anna Nicole Smith, star of The Hudsucker Proxy, is now millionaire-millionaire Anna Nicole Smith! For those of you Harveyheads who haven't been following the story of this buxom blonde bombshell as closely as I have, let me fill you in. Smith was a stripper, and then she changed her name and posed naked in Playboy. Then she married a really old Texas multi-millionaire (the real kind, not the TV kind) who died, and he didn't leave her anything! Then she sued the dead millionaire's son and got $500 million. It's like a Hollywood fairy tale come to life! You go, girl!

I've got a bottle of orange marinade that's been in my refrigerator for almost a year. Do you suppose it's still good?

Item! I just saw Charlie's Angels last night, and all I can say is, "Wow!" Actually, that's not all I can say. I can also say, "Talk about your slam-bang action!" Don't let anyone say that Drew Barrymore can't act, because she was dead on the money as The Red-Haired Angel. And lovely Lisa Ling? She was every bit as good in her role as The Asian Angel. But do you know who the real star was? Cameron Diaz as the Blonde Angel. Of all the sexy angels, she was the sexiest. Talk about your all-around star power: Diaz, Ling, Barrymore, Murray... If this movie were a weapon, it'd be a giant bazooka!

There's a lot of craziness going on in the Middle East right now.

Item! The new TV season is here, so it's time for Jackie Harvey's New Season Scorecard! I was a little hesitant about The Fugitive, since TV shows adapted from movies are never that good. (Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure, anyone?) But this really delivers the thrills. So does Deadline, the show about the hard-boiled New York reporter who doesn't just write the stories, he makes them. The jury's out, though, on Normal, Ohio. I love John Goodman, and there were plenty of laughs, but I didn't think the premise was very realistic. Also boasting star power and laughs is The Geena Davis Show. Geena plays a woman named Geena, but not Geena Davis, and she has some sort of job and is married to a single dad after only two dates! You can see the comic potential there. There are plenty more that I haven't seen yet, but I'll try to catch them. My verdict? You Bette-r believe, the new television CSI-son is a Titans-ic hit!

I have a little time on my hands, so I've decided to look for a hobby. I've got it narrowed down to two choices: collecting postcards or photography.

Item! A few months back, I broke the story that Welcome! You've Got Mail star Meg Ryan and former SNL funnyman Randy Quaid were calling it splits. Well, I just caught wind of the reason behind the breakup. My sources tell me that Ryan has been playing footsie with Australian superstar Crocodile Dundee! Now, while I am 1,000 percent behind the institution of marriage, part of me is hoping that this new romance will add some zest to the forthcoming Crocodile Dundee III: THIS Is A Knife. Here's to hope!

You know what's coming up in just a few weeks? The Grinch! Now, at first I had my doubts. I grew up loving the book and the faithful cartoon rendition. The more I thought about it, the better I felt. After all, how can you go wrong with Ron Howard at the helm?

Did you know that 90 percent of all dust is really dead skin? That rates pretty high on the Jackie Harvey Ick-O-Meter.

In the spirit of the movie Pay It Forward (which I haven't seen yet, but I'm dying to!), I am going to help three people, who will help three people, who will help three people so we can live in a better world. So, if you need help moving or want a ride somewhere, let me know. I'd be happy to pay it forward.

Hey, whatever happened to alternative music? It used to be the hugest thing, but I haven't heard anyone mention it in a long time. I guess everybody's too busy listening to all that terrific music being made by black people and children.

Well, I'm pretty much out of space for right now, but I've got some stuff up my sleeve next week. Since you asked, here's a little teaser: Wedding bells for Madonna? Wedding bells for Kevin Spacey? Wedding bells for Samuel L. Jackson? Plus, in the where-are-they-now file, former Today show co-anchor J. Fred Muggs. All that and plenty more! In the meantime, pop yourself a bowl of popcorn, wrap that blanket around yourself, and soak in the Hollywood magic!

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