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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.
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A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

Item! Are you sitting down? I've just received some very, very bad news. A reliable source tells me that Hollywood's actors and writers are preparing to strike, meaning no movie magic in 2001! At first, I thought this was some kind of sick joke, but apparently it's true. Come on, Tinseltown, surely there must be some way for you to settle your differences without resorting to measures that would devastate the rest of us. I was all set to spend next year at my local dodecaplex, enjoying the big-screen thrills of Josie And The Pussycats, The General's Daughter II, and whatever Jerry Bruckheimer had in store. Now what will I do?

Item! Model-actress Anna Nicole Smith, star of The Hudsucker Proxy, is now millionaire-millionaire Anna Nicole Smith! For those of you Harveyheads who haven't been following the story of this buxom blonde bombshell as closely as I have, let me fill you in. Smith was a stripper, and then she changed her name and posed naked in Playboy. Then she married a really old Texas multi-millionaire (the real kind, not the TV kind) who died, and he didn't leave her anything! Then she sued the dead millionaire's son and got $500 million. It's like a Hollywood fairy tale come to life! You go, girl!

I've got a bottle of orange marinade that's been in my refrigerator for almost a year. Do you suppose it's still good?

Item! I just saw Charlie's Angels last night, and all I can say is, "Wow!" Actually, that's not all I can say. I can also say, "Talk about your slam-bang action!" Don't let anyone say that Drew Barrymore can't act, because she was dead on the money as The Red-Haired Angel. And lovely Lisa Ling? She was every bit as good in her role as The Asian Angel. But do you know who the real star was? Cameron Diaz as the Blonde Angel. Of all the sexy angels, she was the sexiest. Talk about your all-around star power: Diaz, Ling, Barrymore, Murray... If this movie were a weapon, it'd be a giant bazooka!

There's a lot of craziness going on in the Middle East right now.

Item! The new TV season is here, so it's time for Jackie Harvey's New Season Scorecard! I was a little hesitant about The Fugitive, since TV shows adapted from movies are never that good. (Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure, anyone?) But this really delivers the thrills. So does Deadline, the show about the hard-boiled New York reporter who doesn't just write the stories, he makes them. The jury's out, though, on Normal, Ohio. I love John Goodman, and there were plenty of laughs, but I didn't think the premise was very realistic. Also boasting star power and laughs is The Geena Davis Show. Geena plays a woman named Geena, but not Geena Davis, and she has some sort of job and is married to a single dad after only two dates! You can see the comic potential there. There are plenty more that I haven't seen yet, but I'll try to catch them. My verdict? You Bette-r believe, the new television CSI-son is a Titans-ic hit!

I have a little time on my hands, so I've decided to look for a hobby. I've got it narrowed down to two choices: collecting postcards or photography.

Item! A few months back, I broke the story that Welcome! You've Got Mail star Meg Ryan and former SNL funnyman Randy Quaid were calling it splits. Well, I just caught wind of the reason behind the breakup. My sources tell me that Ryan has been playing footsie with Australian superstar Crocodile Dundee! Now, while I am 1,000 percent behind the institution of marriage, part of me is hoping that this new romance will add some zest to the forthcoming Crocodile Dundee III: THIS Is A Knife. Here's to hope!

You know what's coming up in just a few weeks? The Grinch! Now, at first I had my doubts. I grew up loving the book and the faithful cartoon rendition. The more I thought about it, the better I felt. After all, how can you go wrong with Ron Howard at the helm?

Did you know that 90 percent of all dust is really dead skin? That rates pretty high on the Jackie Harvey Ick-O-Meter.

In the spirit of the movie Pay It Forward (which I haven't seen yet, but I'm dying to!), I am going to help three people, who will help three people, who will help three people so we can live in a better world. So, if you need help moving or want a ride somewhere, let me know. I'd be happy to pay it forward.

Hey, whatever happened to alternative music? It used to be the hugest thing, but I haven't heard anyone mention it in a long time. I guess everybody's too busy listening to all that terrific music being made by black people and children.

Well, I'm pretty much out of space for right now, but I've got some stuff up my sleeve next week. Since you asked, here's a little teaser: Wedding bells for Madonna? Wedding bells for Kevin Spacey? Wedding bells for Samuel L. Jackson? Plus, in the where-are-they-now file, former Today show co-anchor J. Fred Muggs. All that and plenty more! In the meantime, pop yourself a bowl of popcorn, wrap that blanket around yourself, and soak in the Hollywood magic!

More from this section

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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