adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Advice For Gentle-Men

My considerable ire was raised yet again this past week when I was subjected to the ignominy of an intrusion on my privacy, conducted by means of the insulting mechanical-tele-phone device, by a reporter calling from the infamous Gentle-Man's Quarterly Gazette.

The utter disrespect shown me by the ne'er-do-well remains a smarting wound! After first addressing me as "Herman"–I did not even realize that he meant me until I spotted my middle name engraved upon the oaken head-board of my death-bed– the reporter asked if he could ask me "a few questions" about my lavish life-style, about which his readers were quite curious! Then, multiplying his affront, the so-called "gentle-man" was rude to me when I refused to speak of these matters, unleashing a torrent of invective which, in more civilized times, would have earned him a hundred lashes on the soles of his feet. Imagine–to swear at the man who owns the Onion news-paper, a vast fleet of clipper-ships, and three of the Dionne quintuplets!

Upon examining this Gentle-Man's Quarterly Gazette, I was not surprised to find it was no more than a lengthy treatise on neckerchief-tying and wench-bedding, written for desk-shackled clerks and ledger-loined accountants. How does this help gentle-men go about their business? It was not neckerchief-tying and wench-bedding that got me where I am to-day! It was the sort of hard-headed sense that I impart to you here, in Zweibel's Advice For Gentle-men:

Endeavor to be born wealthy.

If you are not an only son, you can become one through hard work and perseverance.

Employees are not slaves and will not respond to being treated as such. Therefore, own slaves whenever possible.

German history is pregnant with good business advice.

The 22-pound Royal typewriter can crush a skull as if it were fine porcelain.

Bosoms above the fold sell more papers than anything, excepting war. Arranging for either is not all that difficult.

Mistresses should leave via the back-door or chimney.

There! The seven guidelines every gentle-man must know. Oh, and also, a penny saved is a penny clutched to one's palpitating breast late at night when no-one is watching. That is all you need to know, I think.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close