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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ah, Great, I Think I Got A Goddamned Monster In My Closet Again

Man oh man, what a day. I tell you, all that homework and running around at recess must really be catching up with me, because brother, I am bushed. So thank God I can finally get some damned shut-eye around here. Yes, sir, after another hard day at school, nothing feels better than drifting off to sleep here in my big, cozy—whoa, wait a second…what was that? Did my closet door just creak open?

Ah, for Christ's sake. Is that a goddamned monster in my closet again?

What is it with these son of a bitch monsters? Every night with the creaking and the crawling. Enough, already, will ya? Give it a rest! Look, I've brushed my teeth, I've put on my jammies, Mommy's tucked me in—I'm all ready for beddy-bye here, for crying out loud. And now I have to lie here in the darkness like a putz and wait for some stupid monster to tear me limb from limb? Give me a break!

No, see, this makes me really mad. I have eight measly hours every night to get some sleepy-time before I have to get up and catch the school bus. I need my goddamned rest, okay? I'm not kidding around. I got enough problems with math class, I don't need to sit here in the pitch dark and deal with this monster garbage.

What, do I have a sign on my back that says "Terrify me?" It never ends with this crap.

Ah, great. Did something just move under my bed? Christ, is the monster down there now? Goddammit. I am actually getting legitimately furious right now. No, no, go ahead, monster. Get comfortable. Don't mind me, I'll just be up here trembling in mortal terror. Unbelievable. I swear to God, if it weren't for the fact that you'd grab my ankles and pull me under the bed the second my feet hit the floor, I'd be out the door, pal. Lickety-split. Because I don't need this aggravation.

Well, well, well—look at that. I wet my jammies. That's just terrific. You happy now, you sick bastard? Now it's gonna get all over the bed and I'll have to lie in a pool of my own urine like some kind of barnyard animal. What a night.

You know what? Forget this. I'm calling in the big guns:

Mommy? Daddy?

Oh, what a surprise, they can't hear me. Shocker. It's not like they're three rooms away or anything! Boy, I wish someone was filming this, I really do. Just so they could see what an absolute nightmare my life is right now: It's the middle of the goddamned night, I'm soaked in my own piss, I got a frickin' monster under my bed waiting to eat me, and now Mommy and Daddy are out cold like someone konked them over their heads with an 80-pound Valium. I am ready, Lord. Take me now.

Should have set that goddamned monster trap. Stupid idiot. What the hell was I thinking? I had the pots and pans and the twine, why didn't I set the trap? See, this is exactly why nothing ever gets done around here. I always start a project, but I never finish th—GAH! Son of a bitch! Something just touched my toe! Something definitely just touched my toe! What kind of an asshole would do that? That's it, I've had it with these monsters. Honestly, what's next? Am I going to cry now? Is that what's happening? Yup, here come the waterworks. Right on time. Jesus H. Christ, I am losing it, man. I am totally losing it.

Ah, nuts to this, I'm going under the damned covers! You want me, you prick, you can come and get me!

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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