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Ah, Great, I Think I Got A Goddamned Monster In My Closet Again

Man oh man, what a day. I tell you, all that homework and running around at recess must really be catching up with me, because brother, I am bushed. So thank God I can finally get some damned shut-eye around here. Yes, sir, after another hard day at school, nothing feels better than drifting off to sleep here in my big, cozy—whoa, wait a second…what was that? Did my closet door just creak open?

Ah, for Christ's sake. Is that a goddamned monster in my closet again?

What is it with these son of a bitch monsters? Every night with the creaking and the crawling. Enough, already, will ya? Give it a rest! Look, I've brushed my teeth, I've put on my jammies, Mommy's tucked me in—I'm all ready for beddy-bye here, for crying out loud. And now I have to lie here in the darkness like a putz and wait for some stupid monster to tear me limb from limb? Give me a break!

No, see, this makes me really mad. I have eight measly hours every night to get some sleepy-time before I have to get up and catch the school bus. I need my goddamned rest, okay? I'm not kidding around. I got enough problems with math class, I don't need to sit here in the pitch dark and deal with this monster garbage.

What, do I have a sign on my back that says "Terrify me?" It never ends with this crap.

Ah, great. Did something just move under my bed? Christ, is the monster down there now? Goddammit. I am actually getting legitimately furious right now. No, no, go ahead, monster. Get comfortable. Don't mind me, I'll just be up here trembling in mortal terror. Unbelievable. I swear to God, if it weren't for the fact that you'd grab my ankles and pull me under the bed the second my feet hit the floor, I'd be out the door, pal. Lickety-split. Because I don't need this aggravation.

Well, well, well—look at that. I wet my jammies. That's just terrific. You happy now, you sick bastard? Now it's gonna get all over the bed and I'll have to lie in a pool of my own urine like some kind of barnyard animal. What a night.

You know what? Forget this. I'm calling in the big guns:

Mommy? Daddy?

Oh, what a surprise, they can't hear me. Shocker. It's not like they're three rooms away or anything! Boy, I wish someone was filming this, I really do. Just so they could see what an absolute nightmare my life is right now: It's the middle of the goddamned night, I'm soaked in my own piss, I got a frickin' monster under my bed waiting to eat me, and now Mommy and Daddy are out cold like someone konked them over their heads with an 80-pound Valium. I am ready, Lord. Take me now.

Should have set that goddamned monster trap. Stupid idiot. What the hell was I thinking? I had the pots and pans and the twine, why didn't I set the trap? See, this is exactly why nothing ever gets done around here. I always start a project, but I never finish th—GAH! Son of a bitch! Something just touched my toe! Something definitely just touched my toe! What kind of an asshole would do that? That's it, I've had it with these monsters. Honestly, what's next? Am I going to cry now? Is that what's happening? Yup, here come the waterworks. Right on time. Jesus H. Christ, I am losing it, man. I am totally losing it.

Ah, nuts to this, I'm going under the damned covers! You want me, you prick, you can come and get me!

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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