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Ah, To Be Young, Rich, White, Male, College-Educated, Straight, And In Love

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Ah, To Be Young, Rich, White, Male, College-Educated, Straight, And In Love

I may be getting on in years, but I still consider myself a bit of a romantic. Why, just today, I was strolling through the park when I happened to spy a young, upper-class, straight male Caucasian sharing a kiss with his beloved, and I tell you, my heart nearly skipped a beat. The very sight of it filled me with a deep yearning and sense of elation that stirred this old man to his core. And I thought to myself, “Ah, to be young, wealthy, white, male, college-educated, heterosexual, and in love!”

There’s really nothing quite like it.

When you’re in your twenties, a man, descended from Anglo-Saxon genes, born into immense luxury, able-bodied, surrounded by friends, family, and authority figures who support you, mentally alert, straight, possessing a degree from a respected four-year institution, and head over heels in love, the world just seems like a magical place, doesn’t it? The sun shines brighter, the breeze blows sweeter, and it feels like you’re on top of the world! Anyone who’s ever been captivated like that and has had all the advantages life has to offer handed to them on a silver platter because of their race, class, family history, and education level knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I mean, just knowing that you’ve got that special someone—as well as the monumental opportunities afforded to you by being an affluent white male in his twenties who was born into a democratic society with limitless social mobility—can make you feel like the luckiest man alive. Yes, when you’re in love and the recipient of every possible benefit imaginable—be it lifelong financial stability or peerless social stature—it feels like it’s just you, the object of your enchantment, and your unshakeable position within the top echelon of privilege. Nothing else matters.

Just think about how rare young love is! What a special thing it is to have found someone who truly cares about you! And, similarly, how special it is to have never faced discrimination due to your race, gender, sexuality, religious preference, or social class; to live in a safe, crime-free neighborhood; to have enjoyed a stable childhood in which you never felt afraid for yourself or your loved ones; to possess a strong, healthy body and mind that allows you to surmount any obstacles that would impede less fortunate individuals; and to have parents whose financial prosperity ensures that you will always have a safety net in the unlikely event that even the merest trace of hardship or want should at any point intrude upon your life.

It makes you feel, well, pretty much invincible.

Ah, youth! Ah, love! Ah, living under a government that neither oppresses its people nor prevents them from pursuing their ambitions, having no children and no debt to prevent you from doing whatever you want at all times, being enrolled in health insurance, having free access to the numerous conveniences afforded by modern technology, living in a large metropolitan area with an array of job opportunities and unlimited diversions, and having been swept off your feet by the girl of your dreams! It truly is a gift.

So drink deep of love, you young, amorous, entitled, and racially favored men! Enjoy your romantic infatuation, just as you enjoy your separation from the troubles afflicting the billions of people who, simply by virtue of who they are, can never aspire to the life you live, cloistered within an impermeable bubble of wealth and social mastery that no harm or worry can ever breach. It truly is as marvelous as the old poets say.

I just wish everyone could experience that feeling.

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