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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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All I Want To Do Is Play Ball, Ya Know? Take Steroids And Play Ball

I feel like the last month has been filled with nothing but distractions. Every time I turn on the television or look at ESPN there’s another news story about who bought what from whom, who admitted to doing what, and who covered up for someone three years ago. Look, the bottom line is that all I want to do is get back on the field and play ball. Take a whole bunch of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs and human growth hormone and just play ball.

You know what I mean? That’s all I ever cared about.

The rest of it is just noise as far as I’m concerned. It has nothing to do with what really matters: the smell of freshly cut grass on game day, an umpire shouting “play ball,” and me stepping up to the plate—my veins coursing with unnatural substances designed to improve my bat speed and give me an unfair advantage over the pitcher—and knocking one out of the park.

That’s what the game’s about for me. It’s the small things. It’s about jogging out on that diamond hopped up on anabolic steroids and firing a strike to the first baseman after fielding a slow chopper to third. It’s about cheering on your teammates while figuring out ways to mask your urine in case there’s a random drug test. It’s about stacking and cycling your injection schedule, administering the right doses of oxandrolone and tamoxifen, and just getting out there and playing the game like you did when you were a kid.

The lights, the crowd, the tampering with an investigation by Major League Baseball, turning two with the game on the line: that’s baseball. None of this other stuff with the commissioner’s office and my agents or any of that matters.

It goes back to when I was young. Ever since I was a boy, I wanted to be a professional ball player who was also on powerful and highly illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I would be in my backyard and I’d pretend it was Game 7 of the World Series. It was the bottom of the ninth inning, and I was up at the plate with two outs. I’d work the count to 3-2, and I could win the whole thing with just one swing. I would even announce my own at-bat. “Ladies and gentlemen, now up, Alex Rodriguez! Alex has hit the ball hard this whole season because he has been consistently using banned substances and lying about it, but can he do it here tonight?”

And then I’d hit a mammoth, steroid-fueled 550-foot shot.

“A-Rod wins it! A-Rod wins it!” the announcer would shout. “He’s a cheater and nobody in baseball likes him because he’s an extremely unpleasant, alienating figure, and he’s won the World Series!” I’d jog around the imaginary bases, high-fiving my imaginary teammates who absolutely abhor me, and I would think to myself, “One day I’ll make it to the big leagues and I’ll take PEDs and I’ll put on the Yankee pinstripes.”

You see, baseball is a game where dreams can come true. It’s a game full of characters and syringes and heroes. It’s America’s game. Throw the ball. Hit the ball. Catch the ball. And do all those things better than everyone when you’re younger, fear that you’re losing a step, and then take human growth hormone to compensate for the loss of your physical gifts. Or take steroids throughout your entire career because you have such a gigantic ego that you need to be known as the best player to ever play the game even if it’s all bullshit.

So, whatever I have to do to get back on the field and continue taking illegal drugs, I’ll do. I’m not paying attention to all this other stuff.

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