adBlockCheck

All My Religion Needs Now Is A Snazzy Post-Death Scenario

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

All My Religion Needs Now Is A Snazzy Post-Death Scenario

Well, it's been a long, hard road, but I'm finally almost finished with Cosmysticism, the new religion I've been working on for the past year or so. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of how it's turned out. It's a delicate blend of love and wrath, mystery and science, history and fantasy. I have some compelling characters, a universal creation myth, and a great ascension-of-man second act. Now all I need is some sort of snazzy post-death scenario to really put the cherry on top.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you were starving, and you could smell something delicious nearby, but you couldn't find it? That's exactly how I feel trying to nail down this post-death thing. I know I could just crank out some temporary, half-assed afterlife and revise it later, but that seems like a lazy, shoddy way to go about creating a belief system.

Besides the afterlife thing, Cosmysticism is good to go. I spent months studying the top five major religions and some of the more successful dead ones, then I broke them down thematically and charted the elements they shared. Once I had that visual, Cosmysticism's central text, The Book Of Gunther, pretty much wrote itself. It's really great stuff, too. If I were a lost soul looking for answers in this difficult and bewildering world, I'd be eating Cosmysticism up.

In The Book Of Gunther, I hit on all the big topics. Where did man come from? "And Menda looked out over the long sea, knowing that Malthaz guided his every action, and said, 'It is here that Malthaz has placed me, and here that I shall give rise to offspring from my very flesh, plucking them from my leg bones until the Earth is filled with followers.'" (Gunther, 1:03-09) Does Malthaz command the cosmos? "Malthaz rules the cosmos, for there can be none other." (Gunther 3:14) Why do we have guns and violence? "And Malthaz presented a lightning stick, saying, 'Take and use this gift to kill the wild beasts for consumption. But thou may also use it, when necessary, to gain vengeance against thine enemies.'" (Gunther 14:26-28). Pretty good, eh?

The way I've written Cosmysticism (I mean, the way it was revealed to me), each person on Earth corresponds to a star in the universe. We are all literally people of the stars, filled with ageless matter and untold potential. It's pretty straightforward, but with just enough crazy sci-fi touches to get people hooked.

I could've simply said that when people die, they return to their star state, but that would've been so unimaginative. All the popular religions make promises of a grand existence in the afterlife. How can joining the universal consciousness compete with Islam's afterlife of countless sexually available virgins or Christianity's chance to revisit all the kitties you had during your life?

I thought about some bringing in some giant flying saucer that would take everyone to Neo-Heaven on the Eve of the Great Reckoning, but that seemed way too contrived. Talk about your deus ex machina. Besides, it's uncomfortably similar to that Heaven's Gate cult from a few years back. I'm creating a major new world religion here, not a death cult, and I certainly don't want to risk being associated with a bunch of bald, suicidal, Nike-wearing computer geeks.

Maybe I should keep a tape recorder by my bed. You never know, the perfect afterlife idea could hit me in my sleep. Just last week, I woke up in the middle of the night with this great idea about the Sixteen Stages Of Ascendency Into A Higher Plateau, but I didn't write any of it down, and I forgot it all by the morning. Drat the luck!

I can't allow myself to get hung up on this. I'll just go back to the Book and smooth out some of the rough spots about the Handing Down Of The Eternal Laws and the parable of "The Dolphin And The Fig." I'm sure the perfect post-death scenario will come to me eventually. I just need to let it gestate for a while. Once I've dreamed up that killer afterlife idea, the peoples of the world will flock to Cosmysticism like Muslims to Mecca.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close