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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Hello, hello, loyal readers! Say, have you guys seen this new show on TV? The one with all the animals running around, screaming at one another, and generally causing a ruckus? No, it's not on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. I'm talking about CNN! Holy Hannity, what a hubbub. I've never seen so many protests, debates, and filibusters in all my life….

Well, at least not since the last time I tried to put the moves on my wife!

Folks, there's an epidemic breaking out on Capitol Hill. It seems some activist types got together, started calling themselves the Tea Party, and caught a bad case of tick fever…poli-tick-al fever! Now, ol' Roger was never one for politics. (If I wanted to spend a lot of time worrying about somebody who never worried about me, I'd raise a kid. Oh, wait. I did! Twice!) But this group is making such a stink it's hard to ignore them.

These Tea Party folks are all over my cable box. I'm practically steeping in it! I can barely turn on the television without hearing Jay or Letterman crack wise about one of their protests. Hey, Tea Party movement, didn't anyone tell you the Revolutionary War will not be televised? "No Taxation Without Representation?" How about no screen time without SAG affiliation? I say we dump these protest-happy patriots into the Boston Harbor for the sake of the late-night lineup.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for free speech (and Pay-per-View), but some people just take it too far. Like anywhere outside of their house!

Believe me, I know the system ain't perfect. Heck, I'd fire every single Congressman, woman, and child if I could. They'd probably say, "Hey, who's this nationally syndicated humorist? We don't work for you!" And I'd say, "Well, of course not. You're politicians. You don't work for anyone!" And they'd say, "Oh, Roger. What are your thoughts on the three branches of government?" And then I'd say, "Government branches are exactly like tree branches: They're only worth paying attention to in the Autumn when they're changing!"

Recess!

I just don't get these modern-day protests. They're all style and no substance. Maybe I'm from a different era—the Stone Age, according to my kids!—but whatever happened to a good old-fashioned sit-in? Remember those? A bunch of people get together to push a personal agenda by sitting motionless in a room and refusing to do anything until someone gives them what they want.

Hold on…I just described Congress!

And my kids!

Then again, I guess it's high time I made a sacrifice for the good of my country. (I mean besides the arm and leg I paid in taxes this year!) So I've decided to take up a cause very close to my heart: my stomach. That's right, folks. I am hereby announcing my own grassroots political movement: the Pizza Party. It's just like the Tea Party, except we never assemble, we never march, and the only demands we have are no anchovies! But most importantly, you won't see us on the TV. No, like any true citizen, we'll be sitting in front of it!

God bless America. Land of the extra cheese and home of the Braveheart on cable!

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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