adBlockCheck

All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Hello, hello, loyal readers! Say, have you guys seen this new show on TV? The one with all the animals running around, screaming at one another, and generally causing a ruckus? No, it's not on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. I'm talking about CNN! Holy Hannity, what a hubbub. I've never seen so many protests, debates, and filibusters in all my life….

Well, at least not since the last time I tried to put the moves on my wife!

Folks, there's an epidemic breaking out on Capitol Hill. It seems some activist types got together, started calling themselves the Tea Party, and caught a bad case of tick fever…poli-tick-al fever! Now, ol' Roger was never one for politics. (If I wanted to spend a lot of time worrying about somebody who never worried about me, I'd raise a kid. Oh, wait. I did! Twice!) But this group is making such a stink it's hard to ignore them.

These Tea Party folks are all over my cable box. I'm practically steeping in it! I can barely turn on the television without hearing Jay or Letterman crack wise about one of their protests. Hey, Tea Party movement, didn't anyone tell you the Revolutionary War will not be televised? "No Taxation Without Representation?" How about no screen time without SAG affiliation? I say we dump these protest-happy patriots into the Boston Harbor for the sake of the late-night lineup.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for free speech (and Pay-per-View), but some people just take it too far. Like anywhere outside of their house!

Believe me, I know the system ain't perfect. Heck, I'd fire every single Congressman, woman, and child if I could. They'd probably say, "Hey, who's this nationally syndicated humorist? We don't work for you!" And I'd say, "Well, of course not. You're politicians. You don't work for anyone!" And they'd say, "Oh, Roger. What are your thoughts on the three branches of government?" And then I'd say, "Government branches are exactly like tree branches: They're only worth paying attention to in the Autumn when they're changing!"

Recess!

I just don't get these modern-day protests. They're all style and no substance. Maybe I'm from a different era—the Stone Age, according to my kids!—but whatever happened to a good old-fashioned sit-in? Remember those? A bunch of people get together to push a personal agenda by sitting motionless in a room and refusing to do anything until someone gives them what they want.

Hold on…I just described Congress!

And my kids!

Then again, I guess it's high time I made a sacrifice for the good of my country. (I mean besides the arm and leg I paid in taxes this year!) So I've decided to take up a cause very close to my heart: my stomach. That's right, folks. I am hereby announcing my own grassroots political movement: the Pizza Party. It's just like the Tea Party, except we never assemble, we never march, and the only demands we have are no anchovies! But most importantly, you won't see us on the TV. No, like any true citizen, we'll be sitting in front of it!

God bless America. Land of the extra cheese and home of the Braveheart on cable!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close