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All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Hello, hello, loyal readers! Say, have you guys seen this new show on TV? The one with all the animals running around, screaming at one another, and generally causing a ruckus? No, it's not on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. I'm talking about CNN! Holy Hannity, what a hubbub. I've never seen so many protests, debates, and filibusters in all my life….

Well, at least not since the last time I tried to put the moves on my wife!

Folks, there's an epidemic breaking out on Capitol Hill. It seems some activist types got together, started calling themselves the Tea Party, and caught a bad case of tick fever…poli-tick-al fever! Now, ol' Roger was never one for politics. (If I wanted to spend a lot of time worrying about somebody who never worried about me, I'd raise a kid. Oh, wait. I did! Twice!) But this group is making such a stink it's hard to ignore them.

These Tea Party folks are all over my cable box. I'm practically steeping in it! I can barely turn on the television without hearing Jay or Letterman crack wise about one of their protests. Hey, Tea Party movement, didn't anyone tell you the Revolutionary War will not be televised? "No Taxation Without Representation?" How about no screen time without SAG affiliation? I say we dump these protest-happy patriots into the Boston Harbor for the sake of the late-night lineup.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for free speech (and Pay-per-View), but some people just take it too far. Like anywhere outside of their house!

Believe me, I know the system ain't perfect. Heck, I'd fire every single Congressman, woman, and child if I could. They'd probably say, "Hey, who's this nationally syndicated humorist? We don't work for you!" And I'd say, "Well, of course not. You're politicians. You don't work for anyone!" And they'd say, "Oh, Roger. What are your thoughts on the three branches of government?" And then I'd say, "Government branches are exactly like tree branches: They're only worth paying attention to in the Autumn when they're changing!"

Recess!

I just don't get these modern-day protests. They're all style and no substance. Maybe I'm from a different era—the Stone Age, according to my kids!—but whatever happened to a good old-fashioned sit-in? Remember those? A bunch of people get together to push a personal agenda by sitting motionless in a room and refusing to do anything until someone gives them what they want.

Hold on…I just described Congress!

And my kids!

Then again, I guess it's high time I made a sacrifice for the good of my country. (I mean besides the arm and leg I paid in taxes this year!) So I've decided to take up a cause very close to my heart: my stomach. That's right, folks. I am hereby announcing my own grassroots political movement: the Pizza Party. It's just like the Tea Party, except we never assemble, we never march, and the only demands we have are no anchovies! But most importantly, you won't see us on the TV. No, like any true citizen, we'll be sitting in front of it!

God bless America. Land of the extra cheese and home of the Braveheart on cable!

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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