adBlockCheck

All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

Hello, hello, loyal readers! Say, have you guys seen this new show on TV? The one with all the animals running around, screaming at one another, and generally causing a ruckus? No, it's not on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. I'm talking about CNN! Holy Hannity, what a hubbub. I've never seen so many protests, debates, and filibusters in all my life….

Well, at least not since the last time I tried to put the moves on my wife!

Folks, there's an epidemic breaking out on Capitol Hill. It seems some activist types got together, started calling themselves the Tea Party, and caught a bad case of tick fever…poli-tick-al fever! Now, ol' Roger was never one for politics. (If I wanted to spend a lot of time worrying about somebody who never worried about me, I'd raise a kid. Oh, wait. I did! Twice!) But this group is making such a stink it's hard to ignore them.

These Tea Party folks are all over my cable box. I'm practically steeping in it! I can barely turn on the television without hearing Jay or Letterman crack wise about one of their protests. Hey, Tea Party movement, didn't anyone tell you the Revolutionary War will not be televised? "No Taxation Without Representation?" How about no screen time without SAG affiliation? I say we dump these protest-happy patriots into the Boston Harbor for the sake of the late-night lineup.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for free speech (and Pay-per-View), but some people just take it too far. Like anywhere outside of their house!

Believe me, I know the system ain't perfect. Heck, I'd fire every single Congressman, woman, and child if I could. They'd probably say, "Hey, who's this nationally syndicated humorist? We don't work for you!" And I'd say, "Well, of course not. You're politicians. You don't work for anyone!" And they'd say, "Oh, Roger. What are your thoughts on the three branches of government?" And then I'd say, "Government branches are exactly like tree branches: They're only worth paying attention to in the Autumn when they're changing!"

Recess!

I just don't get these modern-day protests. They're all style and no substance. Maybe I'm from a different era—the Stone Age, according to my kids!—but whatever happened to a good old-fashioned sit-in? Remember those? A bunch of people get together to push a personal agenda by sitting motionless in a room and refusing to do anything until someone gives them what they want.

Hold on…I just described Congress!

And my kids!

Then again, I guess it's high time I made a sacrifice for the good of my country. (I mean besides the arm and leg I paid in taxes this year!) So I've decided to take up a cause very close to my heart: my stomach. That's right, folks. I am hereby announcing my own grassroots political movement: the Pizza Party. It's just like the Tea Party, except we never assemble, we never march, and the only demands we have are no anchovies! But most importantly, you won't see us on the TV. No, like any true citizen, we'll be sitting in front of it!

God bless America. Land of the extra cheese and home of the Braveheart on cable!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close