All Women Don't Know What They're Missing

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Vol 37 Issue 15

Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas

BYRD, ANTARCTICA–Brad Swithers, three-time winner of the Molson Ice/Edge Gel South Pole Laff-Off, said Monday that he is running out of ideas for observational humor about life in Antarctica. "I've already made tons of 'What's the deal with those ice chunks that form between the huskies' toes?' jokes," Swithers said. "And, of course, I've done the whole penguins-and-smelt thing to death." Swithers added that he's currently working on a bit about the differences between Amundsen Bay and Voyeykov Ice Shelf women.

Restaurant, Staff Patronized

BOSTON–Attorney Derrick Carlisle patronized the Riverside Café and five members of its staff Monday. "Excuse me, but I've always been under the impression that Manhattan Clam Chowder is red, not white," Carlisle told server Diane Ptacek. "And, when you get a second, please tell the bartender that a proper old-fashioned is made with a dash of bitters, not a whole ounce. Thanks so much."

Grimacing Congressman Quickly Drafts Legislation For Charley-Horse Research

WASHINGTON, DC–Grimacing in considerable pain Monday, Rep. William Delahunt (D-MA) quickly drafted and introduced the 2001 Charley Horse Research Appropriations Act, which would allocate $100 million for "immediate research" to find a charley-horse cure. "Charley horses are a serious–oh, Jesus–medical condition that afflicts millions of Americans every day," Delahunt told House colleagues. "And so let us–Christ, this kills–pass this bill as soon as possible." When informed that the earliest the bill could be passed and signed into law is next Monday, Delahunt moaned and pounded the podium.

Depressed NRA Member Half-Hoping Son Will Accidentally Shoot Him

ROUND ROCK, TX–Despondent from the loss of his job and his recent divorce, National Rifle Association lifetime member Patrick Schramm is half-hoping for an accidental shooting death at the hands of his 10-year-old son. "I don't know what the point is anymore," Schramm said Monday. "Sometimes, I find myself wishing that Jeffrey would mistake me for a robber late at night and put me out of my misery." Schramm then absent-mindedly released the safety on his Browning 10 gauge and left it on the kitchen counter a foot from the cookie jar.

These Nerf Guns Really Liven Up The Office

When you're a manager at a software company, boosting employee morale is a full-time job. The best way to keep everyone focused and productive, I believe, is to strike a careful balance between hard work and whimsy. That's why, last Thursday, I ran over to KB Toys on my lunch break and bought a dozen Nerf guns. And, boy, let me tell you, those Nerf guns really liven up the office!

The Organ-Donor Crisis

The U.S. is critically low on organ donations. What is the nation's medical community doing to address the shortage?

Bananas Again Sweep Primates' Choice Awards

LOS ANGELES–In a gala, chimp-studded affair at the Shrine Auditorium, bananas swept the Primates' Choice Awards for the 42nd year in a row Monday, winning such categories as Best Food, Best Fruit, and Best Dessert. "This year, as in so many years past, bananas delighted and nourished the primate world," said Dole CEO David Murdock, who accepted the award for Best Potassium Source on behalf of bananas. "It is only fitting that we pay tribute in kind." The fruit's sweep proved popular with the 3,200 simians in attendance, who shrieked and jumped up and down in their seats each time it was announced as the winner while a photo of bananas was projected onto a giant screen.

The Cincinnati Riots

Riots erupted in Cincinnati last week following the shooting death of an unarmed black man by police officers. What do you think about the latest such incident?
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All Women Don't Know What They're Missing

It's a situation we've all been in before: You see a pretty woman in a bar, mall, grocery store, restaurant, library, laundromat, bowling alley, car dealership, post office, student union, tattoo parlor, or hospital. Smiling suavely, you move in and strike up a conversation using whatever means you have at hand. But every time, you somehow wind up striking out. It's happened to me, and I'm as eligible a bachelor as they come. These ladies would be lucky to land a guy like yours truly, but still they say no. I'm telling you, all women don't know what they're missing.

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and say, "Wow, Justin, women should be falling all over you." But whenever I approach a girl and tell her that I'm the type of guy she should be having sex with, she begs to differ. What's the deal with every single woman in the entire world?

It's not like I don't have a good job. I work for a prominent lawn-furniture distributor and make well over $41,000 a year. One would think women would appreciate a man with financial stability. And, since I usually bring it up within the first three sentences, it's not like they don't know. You'd expect the ladies on this planet to realize I'm perfect for them, but it seems like every woman in any given place at any given time completely misses that fact.

Who knows what crazy things go on in the head of everyone who isn't a man?

Take, for example, the 200 or so women I've asked out in the last year. Every single one of them had some sort of problem that made them not want to date me. I guess they all must have been frigid.

Not only am I well-off, but I'm also well-muscled. I spend at least three days a week at the gym, so you'd think the ladies would be all over me like shit on a shoe. You would be wrong. Often, I'll see a beautiful woman on a park bench, and I'll take off my suede jacket and start flexing, saying things like, "Oh, yeah!" and, "You want a piece of this, sweetheart?" Nine times out of ten, they'll grab their belongings and get the hell out of there as fast as they can. I wish I could say that the other one time in ten, the woman was interested in me, but almost always, they call for the police or deploy pepper spray. To be honest, I prefer the pepper spray.

You know, women say they want a man with a sense of humor, but from what I've seen, they don't. I'm always telling jokes. I know a bunch of hysterical jokes about the differences between blondes and beer, but whenever I tell one, women leave or throw a drink in my face. Geez, talk about all women being on the rag all the time. Well, at least I know it isn't me. All I can say is, your loss, ladies of the world.

Obviously, I'm just not meeting the right type of women. The only sort of woman I ever seem to meet is either short, tall, thin, smart, serious, overweight, ditzy, career-driven, aggressive, fun, shy, family-oriented, or of medium height. It's hardly worth the effort talking to that kind of girl.

Well, what can I do? I just happen to have been born on a planet where half the population can't recognize a good thing when they see it. Bum luck, I guess.

Don't worry about me, though. Justin Stroebel's always got an ace in the hole. If the 3,121,833,445 females on this planet don't see what they're missing, fuck 'em.

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