All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold

Top Headlines


Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold

Listen—stop talking. I don't need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! "Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin and…" And? What "and"? No "and" necessary! Are you kidding me? I'm sold. Sold!

I realize you want to finish your sentence, but what can I say? Welcome to the dream factory, baby! I make incredibly quick decisions because I've got the know-how. And I know enough to know that I've already heard as much from you on this project as I'm ever going to need to hear. Capisce?

"Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin." Bam! Owen Wilson. Befriends. A dolphin. It's perfect.

Now, all we need to do is figure out the movie. What? You have a whole concept worked out already? Beautiful—but completely unnecessary. I'll come up with the rest of it, off the top of my head, right now, while I'm on the 405. Believe me, every ounce of attention not taken up by the constant lane-changing is focused like a white-hot laser on your idea right now. That's my job. That's what I do. I'm constantly making key decisions, even while driving. If I slow down for even one minute, I miss out on a great idea like your Owen-Wilson-befriends-a-dolphin thing, so I can't waste my time listening to each and every word of each and every sentence people say to me. Shit! Hold on a sec.

Okay, I'm back. Sorry, I had to take that. We're close to a deal on a $200 million live-action Smurfs movie, but I told them I'd call back, because right now I'm putting everything other than this Wilson/dolphin project on the back burner, at least for the next two, possibly even three minutes.

So the dolphin helps Wilson fall in love? He splashes them, they get soaked, then they bond over hot cocoa while their clothes are drying—yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, you've already impressed the hell out of me, so don't worry so much about the little details. We'll work those out once we've got a voice for the dolphin, and I'm thinking Mr. Robin Williams. Am I right?

You didn't intend to have the dolphin talk? Come on, you can't have a main character in an aquatic-mammal buddy comedy just float around squeaking, can you? We can CGI the hell out of the thing and make it rap and breakdance. We'll get an effects house on that right away so we have some footage in time for the trailers. Speaking of promo, let's talk movie posters: I see Wilson, the dolphin, front seat of a convertible, wearing shades. Yes, both of them. If you think I'm going to make a movie about Owen Wilson befriending a dolphin and not put the slippery little bastard in Ray-Bans, you're crazy!

Now, we need to determine how we're gonna get the two of them into space. What? You didn't see it as a sci-fi film? Well, maybe not sci-fi, but it's sure as hell got to have some zero-gravity battle sequences. We're going to have to appeal to more than just your standard rom-com/animal-buddy-movie audience to make it worth our time.

Stop talking. I'm sold, I told you. What are you, deaf? You're not one of these "difficult" writers who's married to the concept of finishing his sentences, are you? 'Cause if you are, you can take a walk. I've got 40 other meet-and-greets slated for this afternoon alone, so fuck Owen Wilson, fuck the dolphin, and fuck you. I can just as easily throw together something with Vince Vaughn and a giant sea tortoise, and you'll never get so much as a whiff on another spec in this town again. So it's your choice. 

Great! I knew you'd come around. Can't wait to work with you on this one. I'll have my girl set up lunch with Owen over at SeaWorld and see what we come up with and get back to you. Ciao, gotta go! Love ya!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close