How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold

Listen—stop talking. I don't need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! "Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin and…" And? What "and"? No "and" necessary! Are you kidding me? I'm sold. Sold!

I realize you want to finish your sentence, but what can I say? Welcome to the dream factory, baby! I make incredibly quick decisions because I've got the know-how. And I know enough to know that I've already heard as much from you on this project as I'm ever going to need to hear. Capisce?

"Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin." Bam! Owen Wilson. Befriends. A dolphin. It's perfect.

Now, all we need to do is figure out the movie. What? You have a whole concept worked out already? Beautiful—but completely unnecessary. I'll come up with the rest of it, off the top of my head, right now, while I'm on the 405. Believe me, every ounce of attention not taken up by the constant lane-changing is focused like a white-hot laser on your idea right now. That's my job. That's what I do. I'm constantly making key decisions, even while driving. If I slow down for even one minute, I miss out on a great idea like your Owen-Wilson-befriends-a-dolphin thing, so I can't waste my time listening to each and every word of each and every sentence people say to me. Shit! Hold on a sec.

Okay, I'm back. Sorry, I had to take that. We're close to a deal on a $200 million live-action Smurfs movie, but I told them I'd call back, because right now I'm putting everything other than this Wilson/dolphin project on the back burner, at least for the next two, possibly even three minutes.

So the dolphin helps Wilson fall in love? He splashes them, they get soaked, then they bond over hot cocoa while their clothes are drying—yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, you've already impressed the hell out of me, so don't worry so much about the little details. We'll work those out once we've got a voice for the dolphin, and I'm thinking Mr. Robin Williams. Am I right?

You didn't intend to have the dolphin talk? Come on, you can't have a main character in an aquatic-mammal buddy comedy just float around squeaking, can you? We can CGI the hell out of the thing and make it rap and breakdance. We'll get an effects house on that right away so we have some footage in time for the trailers. Speaking of promo, let's talk movie posters: I see Wilson, the dolphin, front seat of a convertible, wearing shades. Yes, both of them. If you think I'm going to make a movie about Owen Wilson befriending a dolphin and not put the slippery little bastard in Ray-Bans, you're crazy!

Now, we need to determine how we're gonna get the two of them into space. What? You didn't see it as a sci-fi film? Well, maybe not sci-fi, but it's sure as hell got to have some zero-gravity battle sequences. We're going to have to appeal to more than just your standard rom-com/animal-buddy-movie audience to make it worth our time.

Stop talking. I'm sold, I told you. What are you, deaf? You're not one of these "difficult" writers who's married to the concept of finishing his sentences, are you? 'Cause if you are, you can take a walk. I've got 40 other meet-and-greets slated for this afternoon alone, so fuck Owen Wilson, fuck the dolphin, and fuck you. I can just as easily throw together something with Vince Vaughn and a giant sea tortoise, and you'll never get so much as a whiff on another spec in this town again. So it's your choice. 

Great! I knew you'd come around. Can't wait to work with you on this one. I'll have my girl set up lunch with Owen over at SeaWorld and see what we come up with and get back to you. Ciao, gotta go! Love ya!

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