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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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America Looks Like It Could Use Some Cheering Up

Something is amiss in these United States. A pall cast over the land that forebodes a looming sense of dread. The laughter of average Americans is no more than a thin mask that barely conceals the anxiety we all feel. But to this, the greatest nation on Earth, I say: Why do you look so down in the mouth? Don't you know that tomorrow is another day? You're acting like there's a war on, for Pete's sake! And even if there is, you know what? That's something you just can't do anything about. So why dwell in Dumpsville when you can take a trolley to Happytown?

I know, I know. You're worried about global warming, aren't you? That's okay. If you live in a low-lying coastal area, like 53 percent of our population does, then you are in danger of having everything you love lost to flooding. Well, roll up your pants and wade right in is what I say, because if life gives you water, it's time to go swimming!

Speaking of water, you know what I do when I'm feeling blue about a sharp spike in crime and drug use? When seven local kids overdose and die a painful death because they didn't understand the ramifications of their actions? I draw myself a bubble bath and slip into a good book. After a while, you'll be saying, "What OxyContin epidemic?"

Buck up, America. Yes, with a fluctuating market hinging on nothing more than the whims of Fed Chief Ben Bernanke, it sure does seem like economic disaster is on the horizon. But it's not the end of the world. Why, just the other day, I lost $10 at the supermarket. All that means is clipping more coupons—for me and for everyone!

By golly, why can't you be more like Hawaii? They're all hula dancing like nobody's business. They don't seem to mind that the deflating dollar is keeping American tourists away, no sir. They're eating poi and having luaus like they're going out of style. Now, we may not all have coconuts, but some of you sure do have the same sunny weather to enjoy while you sit in your uninsurable homes.

You know who I'm talking about, Florida.

Who's a crabby democracy? Huh? Maybe some cookies would make you feel better, Iowa. Sure, subsidized corn prices have made you Washington's escort, but that's no reason to be a sour puss. Take the day by the horns and give it a good old-fashioned how-do-you-do! Instead of thinking about the imminent threat of another terrorist attack, just think of sunflowers and let a smile be your umbrella.

What's this I hear from African Americans about institutional racism continuing to rear its ugly head and tear the country apart? With that attitude, it's no wonder. If you're going to let the systematic disenfranchisement of your people bring you down, then get ready for a long haul. Honestly, the only thing worse than a Grumpy Gus is a Grumpy Tyrone.

Cleveland! Pull yourself out of Bluesville. I don't want to hear any sass about how your entire industrial infrastructure is crumbling around you, creating a new class of suburban slum. Turn that frown upside down! Things can't stay bad forever. This old world, she keeps on turning, so why not enjoy the ride?

You know, I've been a booster for six years now. Day in and day out, without so much as a hrrumph or a tsk-tsk for anyone. When the economy was sliding and millions of jobs were being lost or replaced with lower-paying ones, I just grabbed the spirit stick and shook it for all I was worth. I shook it and shook it and shook it! I shook until my hands bled and my arms ached and I was out of breath and couldn't shake it any more! But if America's not even going to try, then why should I? Go on, Texas Panhandle, get yourself all worked up about the immigrant crisis. See if I care! I've got problems of my own to deal with. My car needs a new alternator, and my kids don't mind me like they should.

So if you can't stand up straight, button your collar, and stare down the coming Apocalypse with a wink and a smile, then I'm just going in to watch TV and eat some Ben and Jerry's. That's A-okay with little old me.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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