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An Entertaining New Year

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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An Entertaining New Year

Well, 2003 is over. Happy 2004! This is one exciting year for Jackie Harvey. It's a leap year and an election year all rolled into one! What better way to start off a big year than with a big 2003 year-end wrap-up?

Item! As an entertainment writer, it's my responsibility to choose the Entertainer Of The Year. And unless you were living in a hole, you know the honor goes to none other than the wild and crazy guy himself: Mr. Steve Martin! This year alone, Steve starred in the instant comedy classics Bring Back The House, Looney Toons: Back To School, and Cheaper As The Dozen. Oh, and lest I forget, he released the long-awaited follow-up to his book Cruel Shoes. I'm waiting for the paperback edition, but if the book is anywhere near as funny as his hosting of the Grammys, it'll be gold.

The film event of the year? The Cat In The Hat. Who but Michael Meyers could breathe life into such an old book? As the cat in the title, he magically prances through the land of imagination. It awoke the kid in me without putting the adult in me to sleep. I can't wait for the sequel!

Item! Saddam? We got him! All the best military operations are named after '80s action films, and this one was no exception. Operation Red Dawn was a smashing success, flushing the Butcher Of Baghdad out into the open and bringing him to justice. Justice for all! Hooray!

This was also the year of the big celebrity love affair, and the biggest of all was the love affair shared by Aston Kucher and Demy Moore. Is it just me, though, or does there seem to be a bit of an age difference between those two? Well, it's not for me to judge. Like they say, love conquers all.

Speaking of couples, whatever happened to Huey Long and Terry Hatcher in those Radio Shack commercials? Not since Moonlighting has a real-life married couple made such a splash on the small screen, but I haven't seen one of their ads in a long time. I sure hope Huey and Terry aren't planning to get a divorce. That would be a tragedy!

I finally got around to renting Pirates Of The Caribbean on VHS, and I'm sorry, but it's just Cutthroat Island without Regina Davis. Save your money and rent something that'll really make your night, like Who's That Girl?

Item! After three years, The Lord Of The Rings is finally over, and it went out with a bang. I don't usually go in for that magic and dragon stuff, but this series was great. Or at least the commercials look great. I haven't seen the movies yet. I still need to watch the first two, and who has the time to sit still for nine hours? Not I!

Snickers has a new Marathon energy bar. I found out the hard way that it's not the Marathon Bar we all remember. Those were chewy and caramel-y and long and delicious. I wish I could recall the Marathon Bar jingle, but all I can dredge up is the Hubba Bubba song.

Item! The fall TV season was quite the train wreck! Skin was in, and then it was out. Coupling got uncoupled. Tarzan was lord of the flops. Alicia Silverman's Miss Match went down in flames. The Mullets were... I'm still looking for something bad that rhymes with "mullet," but I can't think of anything right now. That's only a few of the season's flops, but I don't want to be too mean. I'm trying out this new writing style, but since it comes at the expense of a lot of decent, hardworking people in showbiz, I don't think I'll do it again.

Congrats to Britney and Mr. Britney! Best wishes on your sudden, unexpected marriage!

Have you heard that song about the milkshake they keep playing on the radio? Every time I hear it, I get thirsty. My favorite milkshake flavor is strawberry.

Speaking of music, when are we going to get the next installment of American Idol? I've just about worn out my Kelly Clarksville and Clay Aikman CDs. Time to bring on the next big star so I know what music to buy.

Item! Paris who? If you hadn't heard of Paris Hilton until a few months ago, you're not alone. Her show Life Is Simple is one of my guilty pleasures. Seeing her work on a farm with P. Diddy's daughter is a real hoot. For some reason, I've been getting a lot of unsavory e-mails about Paris lately. Isn't it a shame when people feel the need to drag someone through the mud? Someone out there must be jealous, because Paris fought the odds to make it as an actress. Don't worry, Paris—keep your chin up. I've been the victim of undue cruelty, too. The incident is too painful to go into now, but it involved a writing contest and a friend from high school. 'Nuff said!

Well, that's it for this installment of The Outside Scoop. In case you were thinking about missing my next column, it will include an exciting tidbit about a certain sitcom actor and his new greyhound ranch. Until then, take a seat, plant your feet, pop in a good movie, and join me again...on the Outside!

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