An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers

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Vol 33 Issue 15

Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer. "He was kind of a murderous, insane, serial-killer type of fellow," said Will Rowell, 57, who lived next door to the man arrested for the murder of 14 nurses in Florida and Georgia. "He sort of kept to himself, killing nurses, having sex with their corpses, and then burying the bodies in his backyard." Neighbor Peg Appleton agreed: "I didn't know him that well, but he really seemed to hate nurses, the way he was always dismembering them with power tools. I guess you could say he fancied himself a serial killer."

Area Man Likes Food

FLUSHING, NY—In a surprise announcement, local cab driver Kevin Reilly, 33, confirmed Monday that he likes food. "I enjoy meats, dairy products, grains, fruits and all manner of desserts," he said. "I also like the taste and texture of many snack foods, including Doritos, Munchos and Funyuns." Reilly wavered on the issue of whether he likes afternoon snacks or late-night desserts more.

'Bad To The Bone' To Be Used In Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will feature the rock song "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood. "We feel the song will greatly enhance the scene in which the 12-year-old protagonist and his two pals go on a shopping spree and dress up as tough kids," said Paramount executive Edward Wohl. "As the children outfit themselves in leather, denim and sunglasses, the song's bluesy riffs and 'don't-mess-with-me' lyrics will provide the perfect musical accompaniment to the kids' get-tough makeover." Paramount also intends to use James Brown's "I Feel Good" for the film's closing-credits sequence, moments after the lead character defeats the neighborhood bully in a climactic roller-hockey match.

Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him Personally

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Bradley Manning, arrested hours after a Lampert sketch of him was completed, stole the vigilante sketch artist's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him."

Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

BALTIMORE—On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males and promptly segregated it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," said team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds. "It's a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness: its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly structure, and faint perfume-like odor.

Shaggy Dog Too Late To Cheer Up Dying Boy

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by Bruiser, the McWinns' loyal and devoted family dog. Bruiser was McWinn's companion and best friend throughout the young boy's short life.

Government Issues Citizens Official 'Screw You' Packet

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline degradation of the American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that, beginning in 1999, the government will issue all citizens an annual "Screw You" packet.

Rating The Adult Diapers

In my young days, I could shit like a draft horse. But now, I can only coax a thin, yellowish gruel from my feeble colon, often without warning. Thus, I must be swathed in an oversized diaper at all times.
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An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers

Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder substance has at last been approved by the FDA, and is now on supermarket shelves: "Olean." This exciting new substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit.

Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. Just imagine, you pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. You heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV, lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, Double Stuf Oreos and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate our revolutionary food breakthrough in the manner which befits your disgusting existence—by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.

I'm not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses about their body images. I'm just talking to you, fatties.

Does Olean have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, and uncontrollable diarrhea, just to name a few. That's right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like, oafish legs. But what do you care? What's one or two more repulsive personal traits to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they're Tic Tacs, you blimps.

Does it sound like I'm insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you'll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control.

You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olean? Eat a balanced diet? Walk to places instead of drive? Sound horrific? I'd better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your "I got so fat I'm going to die" medication.

Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olean, thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Ha! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of The Market. Long live The Market! Long live fatties!

—Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.
Chief Food Scientist
Olean Development Team

The preceding letter is an advertorial. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Onion.

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