adBlockCheck

Business

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
End Of Section
  • More News

An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers

Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder substance has at last been approved by the FDA, and is now on supermarket shelves: "Olean." This exciting new substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit.

Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. Just imagine, you pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. You heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV, lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, Double Stuf Oreos and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate our revolutionary food breakthrough in the manner which befits your disgusting existence—by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.

I'm not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses about their body images. I'm just talking to you, fatties.

Does Olean have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, and uncontrollable diarrhea, just to name a few. That's right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like, oafish legs. But what do you care? What's one or two more repulsive personal traits to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they're Tic Tacs, you blimps.

Does it sound like I'm insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you'll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control.

You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olean? Eat a balanced diet? Walk to places instead of drive? Sound horrific? I'd better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your "I got so fat I'm going to die" medication.

Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olean, thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Ha! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of The Market. Long live The Market! Long live fatties!

—Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.
Chief Food Scientist
Olean Development Team

The preceding letter is an advertorial. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Onion.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close