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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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An Open Letter To Pope Pius X

Dear Pope Pius, or Leo, or Boniface, or what-ever you're calling your-self these days,

I like to think of my-self as the American pope. Not that I am some damn Papist, but I must admit that you and I share some similarities. For starters, we both live in enormous palaces protected by a impenetrable phalanx of Swiss Guard. We both wear tall hats. And we both enjoy reading the Bible. My favorite part is when Ahitub begat Zadok.

Any-way, now that the ice is broken, the reason I am writing is as follows: My grand-son, L. Gideon, has run into a bit of trouble. The lad, who has always possessed the adventurous and impulsive spirit that embodies the great Zweibel clan, recently eloped with a mackerel snapper of Irish extraction from the near-by village. Need-less to say, I greatly fear that the Zweibel blood-line will be sullied. There-fore, I beseech you to annul their marriage before they start spawning a bunch of incense-swinging cunt turds.

My request should not be in any way interpreted as a submission to your authority. I continue to believe, as I always have, that you are in league with Satan. We Zweibels have been devoutly Protestant for generations. I can't remember exactly what faith we belong to, but I believe it was founded in the 16th century by a pointy-chinned Swiss fellow who believed that all souls are predestined to go to Hell, and that one's sexual organs should be nightly immersed in boiling quick-silver to eliminate any unhealthy compulsions.

In fact, I was simply going to have the Irish-woman assassinated, but I was talked out of it by my advisor, Beavers, who said that such an action might be detrimental to the reputation of this news-paper. Then I remembered once hearing that Catholics may only end a marital partnership with a special annulment granted by the church.

So I would very much be grateful if you would dissolve this shameful union in which my grand-son has involved him-self. Perhaps we can work out some kind of deal. For example, I would be willing to free the Archbishop of Baltimore from the dungeon beneath my estate. He's been in there nearly 20 years, and I know that's remained a particular sticking-point with you.

  Awaiting your prompt reply,
      I remain yours very truly,
      T. Herman Zweibel

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