And Now, The Envelope Please... Presenting The Millennium Jeanie Awards!

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Vol 35 Issue 46

Eyes Removed In Violent Yearbook Attack

EVANSVILLE, IN—An unidentified eraser-wielding vandal rubbed out the eyes of graduating senior Paulette Conreid in Erika Franklin's personal copy of "Transitions," the 1999 Evansville West High School yearbook, EWHS sources reported Monday. "I am so totally bumming," Franklin said. "Who would do something like that to Paulette? She's, like, the biggest sweetie I know." The primary suspect in the attack is Jenny Logan, who, as everyone in school knows, has a huge crush on Jeff Lowe, Conreid's boyfriend.

Broncos, Jaguars Helmets Sustain Severe Damage In Monday Night Football Helmet Collision

JACKSONVILLE, FL—A pair of NFL helmets were severely damaged Monday in an explosive head-on collision during a broadcast of ABC's Monday Night Football. "We are still reconstructing the incident, searching for any clue as to what could have gone wrong," Monday Night Football play-by-play announcer Al Michaels said of the catastrophe, which occurred minutes before kickoff and was seen live by an estimated 17 million television viewers. "The helmets were securely chained to their respective space-platforms by four safety tethers, and there was no reason to suspect they would be able to break free." Witnesses said the chained helmets, which directly faced each other on their platforms, seemed increasingly angry and agitated in the moments leading up to the disaster.

Buchanan Reveals Thousands Of Americans Made In China

TOPEKA, KS—During a speech Monday before members of the Topeka VFW Hall, a concerned Pat Buchanan said that "hundreds of thousands" of U.S. citizens were made in Communist China. "These shoddy, Asian-looking, 'knock-off' Americans are the mass-produced product of non-union, low-wage parents," the Reform Party presidential hopeful told VFW members. "Every day, these knock-offs are exported from China to our shores, where they are free to intermingle with real, made-in-the-U.S.A. Americans." Buchanan added that if he wins the presidency, he would impose stiff tariffs against U.S.-citizen-producing nations and return all bootleg Americans to their nation of origin.

The Mars Polar Lander

On Dec. 7, NASA mysteriously lost all contact with the $165 million Mars Polar Lander. Among the leading theories as to what went wrong:

I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just dying to listen to me ramble on about myself for hours on end. It's getting more obvious to me every day: I think I'm such hot shit!

Man Of The Millennium: Death

[image:29982]As humanity moves into the dawn of a new and uncertain future, we look back upon our collective past. In the annals of history, many have achieved greatness, yet one individual towers above all others as the most significant single force of the last thousand years. Whether in war or peace, feast or famine, prosperity or economic ruin, the Man Of The Millennium has touched all our lives. No one has had a greater, more permanent impact on our shared human condition.

Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a living person, whether the procedure occurs in the first week of pregnancy or the last.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

And Now, The Envelope Please... Presenting The Millennium Jeanie Awards!

Well, with the millennium nearly over, just about every magazine and TV news show in the world seems to be coming out with some big best-of-the-millennium list—the top movies, the greatest figures of history, etc. Well, if you're anything like me, you get pretty frustrated with these lists. I mean, how do they come up with some of their choices?

Take, for example, the American Film Institute's 100 greatest American movies list. Citizen Kane is the best movie ever made? Huh? Have you ever seen this movie? Yawn city! I saw it once on Turner Classic Movies, and I could barely stay awake! I'm pretty sure it was about this man who owned a lot of newspapers, but it jumped around in time so much and had so many characters that were impossible to keep track of, it's amazing it even made the list!

And some of the other movies they listed I'd never even heard of! The Third Man? What's that? Midnight Cowboy? (Urban Cowboy, with John Travolta's buns in those tight blue jeans, I could see. But Midnight Cowboy?) And I can't believe that icky Woody Allen made the list, too! I'm just sooo fed up with these lists, all of which were done by smarty-pants, big-city people who just want to show off how sophisticated they are instead of showing what real, ordinary people like!

Well, I could have just sat there, stewing over those elitist jerks and their snooty lists. But instead, I decided that as a member of the media myself, I should honor the true greats of the millennium—people and things that would have otherwise been ignored—with my very own awards! (And I'm sure you'll find my choices a lot more accurate!) So, break out the champagne and evening wear, because you all have a front-row seat to the only end-of-the-millennium awards that really hit the nail on the head—The Jeanies!

The envelopes, please...

Best All-Time Movie: And the Jeanie Award goes to... Titanic! It didn't even make the AFI list, but this 1997 classic sure tops mine! If there ever were a bawl-fest, this is it! Titanic has got it all: romance, beautiful costumes and, of course, Leonardo DiCaprio (rowrr rowrr!). It's very sad that all those people had to die in real life, but it sure made for one heckuva great movie! (Honorable mentions in this category go to Ice Castles, Love Story and Pretty Woman.)

Best Hunk: This is a tough one. There's George Clooney, Dylan McDermott, Fabio, the construction worker in that Diet Coke ad a few years ago, and the guy who plays Ridge on The Bold And The Beautiful. Then there are the unforgettable hunks of the '80s, like Mark Harmon, Tom Selleck and Don Johnson! And it would be a crime to ignore those luscious dreamboats of my youth, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond and Erik Estrada! (Sorry to have to go back in time so far, but after all, these are the millennium Jeanie Awards!)

But who am I kidding? Any Jeanketeer worth his or her salt knows there's only one man for me: Patrick Swayze! Patrick, feel free to come on down and collect your Jeanie Award any time! I live at 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive, Apt. 31B, and my bedroom is down the hall on the first right.

By the way, in case if you're wondering why I haven't included hubby Rick in the Best Hunk category, let me assure you that he would have easily made it... back in 1977! (These days he's more likely to win Best Grump than Best Hunk!)

Best Comedian: I just love people who devote themselves to making people laugh. I can't think of a better thing to do in life! (Well, maybe being a doctor and saving lives is better but, heck, don't they say laughter is the best medicine?) Anyway, it's another no-brainer: The Jeanie goes to the one and only Rosie O'Donnell! I faithfully watch her show every day, and besides never failing to leave me in stitches, she seems to care sooo much about people. And it's great to see a woman who is not some emaciated toothpick succeed in show business. (We members of Rosie's Chub Club have talent too, you know!)

Best Band: A virtual toss-up between ABBA and the Starland Vocal Band. Sure, ABBA recorded more albums and was famous for a lot longer, but the Starland Vocal Band sure made the most of their short time in the spotlight!

Best Diva: Bette Midler, who else? The Divine Miss M is sooo talented, she easily could have won in a whole bunch of other categories, including Best Comedian, Best Talk-Show Guest and Best Actress. (Beaches is definitely one of my top all-time bawl-fests!) She's just got the greatest voice, and she's funny and sassy to boot. And on top of that, you get the feeling that no one ever bosses her around. If that's not the definition of a true diva, I don't know what is!

Runner-up: Me! (Actually, I can't sing a note, but when it comes to attitude, I've got this diva thing down pat!)

Best Book: I bet you thought I was going to say every book with Fabio on the cover! Actually, I was going to say that, but the Jeanie Awards have to be an earnest thing, otherwise no one will take them seriously. So, after a lot of thought, I decided to award Best Book to two highly deserving classics: Jonathan Livingston Seagull and The Thorn Birds. Jonathan Livingston Seagull is sooo deep and profound, and The Thorn Birds has some of the sexiest love scenes ever! (Bird-watching books these definitely ain't!) Valley Of The Dolls almost made it a three-way tie, but its major bummer of an ending keeps it out of the winner's circle. My apologies to the late, great Jacqueline Susann!

You know, not all of the Jeanies are awarded to entertainment-type stuff. I've created special categories for some of the smaller, finer things in life, too.

Best Dessert: It would be easy for me to say "anything with chocolate," but the truth is, some chocolate desserts are better than others. And for pure, unadulterated, better-than-sex pleasure, nothing beats Four Alarm Double Mocha Chip Brownies, with mint-fudge filling and chocolate syrup with cherry flavoring glaze! It's a recipe of my own invention, if I do say so myself, and I promise one day I'll share it with you. Yeah, right—when hell freezes over! (Hey, I told you I could be quite the diva!)

And finally, the last Jeanie Award category...

Best Kitty: I know we all have our favorite pets in life. But since these are my awards, I couldn't resist presenting Best Kitty to the late Arthur Teasdale, who tragically passed away nearly a year ago. Sure, I have my other kitties, good old Priscilla and my new one, Garfield, but not a day goes by when I don't think of Arthur, who was just the sweetest little fuzzy-wuzzy in the whole wide world. Hubby Rick says I should get over it and get on with my life, but I just can't think about the holidays without thinking about Arthur, since he died shortly before Christmas. It's a shame, because Christmas is my favorite time of year. (Any holiday that involves a lot of eating and shopping is tops in my book!) But I'm afraid now it will be forever linked to memories of Arthur's passing.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this year's Jeanies! Sorry there can't be any post-awards banquet, but pretty much all I've got in my kitchen right now is a half-empty bag of Doritos and some old mayonnaise-turned-science-experiment in the back of my fridge! See you in the next millennium!

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