And Now, The Envelope Please... Presenting The Millennium Jeanie Awards!

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And Now, The Envelope Please... Presenting The Millennium Jeanie Awards!

Well, with the millennium nearly over, just about every magazine and TV news show in the world seems to be coming out with some big best-of-the-millennium list—the top movies, the greatest figures of history, etc. Well, if you're anything like me, you get pretty frustrated with these lists. I mean, how do they come up with some of their choices?

Take, for example, the American Film Institute's 100 greatest American movies list. Citizen Kane is the best movie ever made? Huh? Have you ever seen this movie? Yawn city! I saw it once on Turner Classic Movies, and I could barely stay awake! I'm pretty sure it was about this man who owned a lot of newspapers, but it jumped around in time so much and had so many characters that were impossible to keep track of, it's amazing it even made the list!

And some of the other movies they listed I'd never even heard of! The Third Man? What's that? Midnight Cowboy? (Urban Cowboy, with John Travolta's buns in those tight blue jeans, I could see. But Midnight Cowboy?) And I can't believe that icky Woody Allen made the list, too! I'm just sooo fed up with these lists, all of which were done by smarty-pants, big-city people who just want to show off how sophisticated they are instead of showing what real, ordinary people like!

Well, I could have just sat there, stewing over those elitist jerks and their snooty lists. But instead, I decided that as a member of the media myself, I should honor the true greats of the millennium—people and things that would have otherwise been ignored—with my very own awards! (And I'm sure you'll find my choices a lot more accurate!) So, break out the champagne and evening wear, because you all have a front-row seat to the only end-of-the-millennium awards that really hit the nail on the head—The Jeanies!

The envelopes, please...

Best All-Time Movie: And the Jeanie Award goes to... Titanic! It didn't even make the AFI list, but this 1997 classic sure tops mine! If there ever were a bawl-fest, this is it! Titanic has got it all: romance, beautiful costumes and, of course, Leonardo DiCaprio (rowrr rowrr!). It's very sad that all those people had to die in real life, but it sure made for one heckuva great movie! (Honorable mentions in this category go to Ice Castles, Love Story and Pretty Woman.)

Best Hunk: This is a tough one. There's George Clooney, Dylan McDermott, Fabio, the construction worker in that Diet Coke ad a few years ago, and the guy who plays Ridge on The Bold And The Beautiful. Then there are the unforgettable hunks of the '80s, like Mark Harmon, Tom Selleck and Don Johnson! And it would be a crime to ignore those luscious dreamboats of my youth, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond and Erik Estrada! (Sorry to have to go back in time so far, but after all, these are the millennium Jeanie Awards!)

But who am I kidding? Any Jeanketeer worth his or her salt knows there's only one man for me: Patrick Swayze! Patrick, feel free to come on down and collect your Jeanie Award any time! I live at 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive, Apt. 31B, and my bedroom is down the hall on the first right.

By the way, in case if you're wondering why I haven't included hubby Rick in the Best Hunk category, let me assure you that he would have easily made it... back in 1977! (These days he's more likely to win Best Grump than Best Hunk!)

Best Comedian: I just love people who devote themselves to making people laugh. I can't think of a better thing to do in life! (Well, maybe being a doctor and saving lives is better but, heck, don't they say laughter is the best medicine?) Anyway, it's another no-brainer: The Jeanie goes to the one and only Rosie O'Donnell! I faithfully watch her show every day, and besides never failing to leave me in stitches, she seems to care sooo much about people. And it's great to see a woman who is not some emaciated toothpick succeed in show business. (We members of Rosie's Chub Club have talent too, you know!)

Best Band: A virtual toss-up between ABBA and the Starland Vocal Band. Sure, ABBA recorded more albums and was famous for a lot longer, but the Starland Vocal Band sure made the most of their short time in the spotlight!

Best Diva: Bette Midler, who else? The Divine Miss M is sooo talented, she easily could have won in a whole bunch of other categories, including Best Comedian, Best Talk-Show Guest and Best Actress. (Beaches is definitely one of my top all-time bawl-fests!) She's just got the greatest voice, and she's funny and sassy to boot. And on top of that, you get the feeling that no one ever bosses her around. If that's not the definition of a true diva, I don't know what is!

Runner-up: Me! (Actually, I can't sing a note, but when it comes to attitude, I've got this diva thing down pat!)

Best Book: I bet you thought I was going to say every book with Fabio on the cover! Actually, I was going to say that, but the Jeanie Awards have to be an earnest thing, otherwise no one will take them seriously. So, after a lot of thought, I decided to award Best Book to two highly deserving classics: Jonathan Livingston Seagull and The Thorn Birds. Jonathan Livingston Seagull is sooo deep and profound, and The Thorn Birds has some of the sexiest love scenes ever! (Bird-watching books these definitely ain't!) Valley Of The Dolls almost made it a three-way tie, but its major bummer of an ending keeps it out of the winner's circle. My apologies to the late, great Jacqueline Susann!

You know, not all of the Jeanies are awarded to entertainment-type stuff. I've created special categories for some of the smaller, finer things in life, too.

Best Dessert: It would be easy for me to say "anything with chocolate," but the truth is, some chocolate desserts are better than others. And for pure, unadulterated, better-than-sex pleasure, nothing beats Four Alarm Double Mocha Chip Brownies, with mint-fudge filling and chocolate syrup with cherry flavoring glaze! It's a recipe of my own invention, if I do say so myself, and I promise one day I'll share it with you. Yeah, right—when hell freezes over! (Hey, I told you I could be quite the diva!)

And finally, the last Jeanie Award category...

Best Kitty: I know we all have our favorite pets in life. But since these are my awards, I couldn't resist presenting Best Kitty to the late Arthur Teasdale, who tragically passed away nearly a year ago. Sure, I have my other kitties, good old Priscilla and my new one, Garfield, but not a day goes by when I don't think of Arthur, who was just the sweetest little fuzzy-wuzzy in the whole wide world. Hubby Rick says I should get over it and get on with my life, but I just can't think about the holidays without thinking about Arthur, since he died shortly before Christmas. It's a shame, because Christmas is my favorite time of year. (Any holiday that involves a lot of eating and shopping is tops in my book!) But I'm afraid now it will be forever linked to memories of Arthur's passing.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this year's Jeanies! Sorry there can't be any post-awards banquet, but pretty much all I've got in my kitchen right now is a half-empty bag of Doritos and some old mayonnaise-turned-science-experiment in the back of my fridge! See you in the next millennium!

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