And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 30

Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host

CREVE COEUR, MO—Suzanne Bergtraum believes she would make an excellent host of a daytime-TV talk show, the 42-year-old podiatry-office receptionist disclosed Tuesday. "I'm sympathetic and an excellent listener, but I'm also not afraid to set somebody straight with a swift kick in the pants when it's called for," Bergtraum told coworker Alice Lehmann. "Plus, I'm totally high-energy and live to crack people up. Just ask any of my girlfriends." Bergtraum, whose show would be called Suzanne, said she "just [has] a way with people."

29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will

GALVESTON, TX—Area resident Brian Whitford had "the best friggin' time" writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. "That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit," said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. "I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing but that one Phish CD I used to play all the time that he hated." Whitford, who left most of his possessions to members of his family, bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.

Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the hot weather and a desire to go home for the day, FDA officials approved American Products Limited's "X-Ray Vision Pills" for commercial sale in the U.S. Monday. "After evaluating this and regulating that for months, we were really dying to cut out early, so we were all just like, 'Fuck it. Let's just approve this,'" FDA deputy commissioner Lester Crawford said. "Besides, nobody could think of a real good reason why X-ray-vision pills would be unsafe."

Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other

MIAMI—In a gala ceremony at its Miami headquarters, the Burger King Corporation rolled out two new sandwiches that conceptually negate each other. "The new Veggie Burger, with just seven grams of fat, is a refreshing, heart-smart alternative to the usual fast-food junk," Burger King vice-president Robert Fass said. "And brace yourselves, meat lovers: The new BK Hickory Bacon Triple Stack—three juicy, big-beef patties topped with crispy bacon and slathered in a rich, smoked-cheddar sauce—is gonna blow you away." Burger theoreticians posit that the sandwiches could destroy each other if sold in a single order.

History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President

GROVEDALE, MN—Paul Loftus, an 11th-grade history teacher at Grovedale High School, proudly touts his unconventional choice for favorite U.S. president, Calvin Coolidge. "People fail to appreciate how Coolidge essentially rebuilt the presidency after the Harding scandals," said Loftus, who enjoys announcing and discussing his surprise pick whenever possible. "He was also a great diplomat who did much to foster world peace, all despite the tragic death of his son in his first term." Loftus went on to counter the widely held misconception that Coolidge, sometimes known as "Silent Cal," was a serious, humorless man.

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Customer Service

And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card

So we're unanimous on the merger with Chase Manhattan? Excellent. I think we all agree that this merger will benefit both companies tremendously. Nelson, get started on the paperwork for that immediately. I want it on my desk by Friday.

Now, on to the next order of business: Our continuing discussion on whether to pre-approve Douglas C. Schwoegler of Arden, CA, for a Visa Gold card.

I took Mr. Schwoegler's file to the beach house this weekend and read it over a few more times. To be honest, I'm still up in the air on this whole thing. I think we all remember Andrea's presentation last month detailing the ways in which Mr. Schwoegler fits the profile of an individual we'd pre-approve for a Gold Card: long-term employment as distribution manager of a reputable restaurant-supply firm, a homeowner with an affordable mortgage, a good record of paying off debts in a timely manner, a stable and loving relationship with his wife Janet and two children. But as persuasive and thorough as your presentation was, Andrea, I still have my doubts.

I realize that when Douglas Schwoegler first became a Visa customer, our goal was to advance him to Visa Platinum status by 2010. So, if we want to stay on pace with our original timetable, we should approve the Visa Gold. But if we ultimately emerge from these meetings with the consensus opinion that he is not yet ready for the responsibility that comes with that kind of credit limit, we should be willing to rework our long-term goals and push them back a few years. Agreed? Good.

That said, whenever I look at his file, I think, "Yes, he's a shoo-in for the Visa Classic Card, but Visa Gold?" I just don't know. Who else has thoughts on this matter?

That's an interesting point, Roger. But I think you might be confusing him with Douglas P. Schwoegler of Arcata, CA. We'll be discussing him next Thursday. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe the man we're talking about today ever filed for bankruptcy. Don't worry about it. Perfectly understandable mistake.

Now, I agree that the Douglas Schwoegler issue has taken up a lot of the board's time. We've been debating pre-approving him for Visa Gold status for three straight meetings now. But it's vital that we get this right. Every time I open up his file, I get a new angle on just who Douglas Schwoegler is. We can't just rubber-stamp him through in the interest of expediting matters. I'm sure you all remember when we gave a premature "yes" to Lynette A. Demuth. Or how about the Theodore R. Figgis debacle? I think we can all agree we don't want to go down that road again.

Fine. Let's go over some of the objections raised in past meetings. Jim was concerned about some late notices on Schwoegler's credit report. However, as we later discovered, those indiscretions occurred during his college years. Can't really fault a man for a few missed deadlines when he's busy with schoolwork. And those bills never went past 30 days late or went to collections, so the point is moot.

Bob also made a good point in the last meeting. He mentioned that, given Schwoegler's history of low spending during the winter months, his needs may not actually be best served with all the privileges and services that come with a high-end Gold Card. I think that's valid and definitely something to consider.

But here's what I've been wrestling with for the last few days: Whenever we pre-approve borderline customers for a Visa Gold, something happens to them. They either feel obligated to spend more, or they get careless because of the increased credit line. Either way, they quickly find themselves in over their heads. Is there any indication that Douglas Schwoegler will treat this card responsibly? Anderson, you've been in charge of his day-to-day file and know his character best. What do you think?

Really? Twice? I didn't know that about him. Food for thought, indeed.

Well, I didn't feel this way before walking into this meeting, but after hearing all of your various arguments and points of view, I'm willing to gamble that Mr. Schwoegler is Gold Card material. I still think we should monitor his progress closely. If anyone sees a big-screen TV or 49ers season tickets on his monthly report, I want it faxed to me immediately. But I finally feel comfortable moving forward with this pre-approval.

Somehow, I have a feeling Mr. Schwoegler is going to rise to the occasion quite nicely. Quite nicely, indeed.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More