Another Blues Brothers Movie? Somebody Pinch Me

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Vol 32 Issue 05

U.S. Defense Secretary: 'I Am In Love'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report delivered to top Defense Department officials Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary William Cohen announced that he is in love and feels more alive than he has ever felt in his life. "You would not believe this woman. You have to meet her," the 415-page report reads. "She is the one. The one." Cohen was recently censured by the Clinton Administration for spending a majority of his workdays writing "Lois Burkowski Cohen" on his desk and notepads, and spinning around humming while walking. This is believed to be the most smitten a Clinton Cabinet member has been since May 1994, when Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala started going steady with Volcano star Anne Heche.

Study: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

BOSTON—A new study released in the New England Journal Of Medacine STOP Un-Medacine Medicine Medicine GO revealed that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders, once thought to stem from neurochemicl STOP Un-neurochemicl neurochemical neurochemical GO deficiencies, may actually occur from a genetic predisposition STOP Un-occur from a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition GO. "We have meticulously researched and organized volumes of material confirming this new theory," said team head Dr. Joseph Panos of Tufts University, addressing reporters from a perfectly symmetrical podium/ STOP. Un-/ ... END.

Zoning Committee Meets, Zones A Bunch Of Shit

NORCROSS, GA—The Norcross City Council zoning committee is celebrating what it described as a "monster" zoning session Monday. "Man, we were zoning shit left and right. You wouldn't believe the shit we zoned," Norcross mayor Ben Richards told reporters after the four-hour meeting. "Aw, man," said city ombudsman Dennis Mozell, "we so totally zoned the shit out of the 2800 block of Jefferson Avenue. We're talking no commercial use—residential only. We were zonin'."

NPR Host Raises Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—All Things Considered host Robert Siegel shocked listeners during Monday's broadcast, speaking in an unusually loud voice. "Wow," said Siegel during a phone interview with author Annette Conroy, who had just made a point about the popularity of Scottish folk music in the Chicago area. "We quickly intervened and were able to restore order to the program before chaos took over," said show producer Linda Gross. "Robert is dealing with the incident and will likely return to the show next week."

Ask A Navy SEAL

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL and nationally syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Navy SEAL, appears in 250 newspapers nationwide.

Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy

HIBBING, MN—After three years of heavy financial losses, the Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp finally filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Friday. The camp—which allowed Yothers fans to fulfill their dreams by performing scenes from Family Ties, dressing up like an actual L.A. Laker Girl and socializing with former Yothers co-stars like Michael Gross—got off to a shaky start in 1995, when only one customer paid $800 to attend the two-week camp. "We are deeply disappointed by the public’s lukewarm reaction to the camp," director Edward Boros said. "Frankly, it's baffling." The camp's owners are hoping to recoup their losses with a series of Esther Rolle-themed luxury cruises.

Anti-Bacterial Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce your risk of exposure to dangerous bacteria:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Another Blues Brothers Movie? Somebody Pinch Me

Item! There's some hot news down at the rumor mill, and I want you to hear it first, my faithful Harveyheads. Remember this past January's Super Bowl, when the bungee jumper was killed just before the game?

Well, America didn't let that tragic death dampen its spirits when it came to enjoying the triumphant return of The Blues Brothers! As you surely recall, John Belushi faked his own death, only to reveal himself to the entire world during the halftime show. Anyway, word out of Hollywood is that Belushi and Aykroyd are carrying that momentum straight to the silver screen, and does it ever promise to be a doozy! I don't want to give away too much about the new movie, but my sources tell me that it involves the boys getting the band back together... again! If you ask me, this is just what America needs—a hearty dose of laughter and some honest-to-goodness blues music.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, football season is gearing up, and so am I! My pick? Well, I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd say the smart money is on the Miami Dolphins. Why? Well, for one thing, "Miami" sounds like "money," which reminds me of the million-dollar catch phrase, "Show me the money!" from Days Of Thunder. Also, Miami is such a tropical paradise that who wouldn't feel like they'd just won the Super Bowl living there?

Item! Actor/heartthrob Crispin Slater was recently arrested for biting a man! Yes, it's true! But that's not the half of it. According to a reliable source, he was under the influence of drugs when he did it! Slater, known best for his roles in Heathers and Turn Up The Radio, had no comment, but I sure do: Why do you think they call it "dope," Crispin? Actors are already on top of the world when they make it into the movies. What would possess them to throw it all away on drugs? Isn't being a part of Tinseltown, the City of Dreams, enough of a high?

To Confidential In Canoga Park: Yes, that is the same Jack Klugman of Odd Couple fame who starred in Quincy. It looks like you've won yourself a dinner! No need to thank me, though. I'm just doing my job as best I can.

Item! Dishy actress Adrienne Barbeau is reprising her character from the Alien movies! Look for her to be machine-gunning her way into America's hearts once more this fall when she teams up with the big-eyed girl and shoots aliens... and to thrill! This should finally put to rest all the rumors that Adrienne died during the filming of Escape From L.A.

I tell you, the stuff they're getting away with in movies nowadays—sheesh! I mean, have you seen Porky's? Pretty suggestive stuff! I only hope that Hollywood keeps a level head and doesn't let it go too far.

Does Robert DeNiro ever stop? I mean, time and time again, he floors me with his great acting! The mobster in Donnie Brasco, the mafia don in Godfather II, the con man in GoodFellas, the gangster in The Untouchables and the criminal in Casino—sensational ability is clearly at work here! If he keeps it up, he's going to be the next Al Pacino!

Item! As I'm sure you know, Harrison Ford used to be a carpenter. But did you also know he hand-built all the sets for The Devil's Own? Yes, a little bird tells me that Ford was not satisfied with the work being done, so he picked up the old hammer and started whacking away himself! Before you know it, he had made an apartment set so good that three people still live in it today! How's that for movie magic?

Item! The '60s are back! Yes, look around, and you'll see a proliferation of bell-bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts, not to mention people of all ages "grooving" to the music of The Beatles and The Grateful Dead! It's like the Lyndon Johnson years all over again, so you'd better get out there while things are still "uptight" and "out of sight." And remember to tell them that Jackie Harvey set you!

Can anyone spell Maiym Byalik's name correctly? Anyone besides her, that is! I'd like to meet the person that can!

Everybody's humming the Hanson song "MMMBop"! Except me, of course, because I've never heard it. Would someone be so kind as to send me a copy? I need it because my job requires me to stay on top of all the hot trends in popular culture.

And finally, I don't want to jinx it or anything, but a certain entertainment columnist may have a date next Friday. I won't give away any more, but you can be sure that next week you'll read all about it right here in this column! (Don't worry, Janice—I never kiss and tell!)

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