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Another Blues Brothers Movie? Somebody Pinch Me

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Another Blues Brothers Movie? Somebody Pinch Me

Item! There's some hot news down at the rumor mill, and I want you to hear it first, my faithful Harveyheads. Remember this past January's Super Bowl, when the bungee jumper was killed just before the game?

Well, America didn't let that tragic death dampen its spirits when it came to enjoying the triumphant return of The Blues Brothers! As you surely recall, John Belushi faked his own death, only to reveal himself to the entire world during the halftime show. Anyway, word out of Hollywood is that Belushi and Aykroyd are carrying that momentum straight to the silver screen, and does it ever promise to be a doozy! I don't want to give away too much about the new movie, but my sources tell me that it involves the boys getting the band back together... again! If you ask me, this is just what America needs—a hearty dose of laughter and some honest-to-goodness blues music.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, football season is gearing up, and so am I! My pick? Well, I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd say the smart money is on the Miami Dolphins. Why? Well, for one thing, "Miami" sounds like "money," which reminds me of the million-dollar catch phrase, "Show me the money!" from Days Of Thunder. Also, Miami is such a tropical paradise that who wouldn't feel like they'd just won the Super Bowl living there?

Item! Actor/heartthrob Crispin Slater was recently arrested for biting a man! Yes, it's true! But that's not the half of it. According to a reliable source, he was under the influence of drugs when he did it! Slater, known best for his roles in Heathers and Turn Up The Radio, had no comment, but I sure do: Why do you think they call it "dope," Crispin? Actors are already on top of the world when they make it into the movies. What would possess them to throw it all away on drugs? Isn't being a part of Tinseltown, the City of Dreams, enough of a high?

To Confidential In Canoga Park: Yes, that is the same Jack Klugman of Odd Couple fame who starred in Quincy. It looks like you've won yourself a dinner! No need to thank me, though. I'm just doing my job as best I can.

Item! Dishy actress Adrienne Barbeau is reprising her character from the Alien movies! Look for her to be machine-gunning her way into America's hearts once more this fall when she teams up with the big-eyed girl and shoots aliens... and to thrill! This should finally put to rest all the rumors that Adrienne died during the filming of Escape From L.A.

I tell you, the stuff they're getting away with in movies nowadays—sheesh! I mean, have you seen Porky's? Pretty suggestive stuff! I only hope that Hollywood keeps a level head and doesn't let it go too far.

Does Robert DeNiro ever stop? I mean, time and time again, he floors me with his great acting! The mobster in Donnie Brasco, the mafia don in Godfather II, the con man in GoodFellas, the gangster in The Untouchables and the criminal in Casino—sensational ability is clearly at work here! If he keeps it up, he's going to be the next Al Pacino!

Item! As I'm sure you know, Harrison Ford used to be a carpenter. But did you also know he hand-built all the sets for The Devil's Own? Yes, a little bird tells me that Ford was not satisfied with the work being done, so he picked up the old hammer and started whacking away himself! Before you know it, he had made an apartment set so good that three people still live in it today! How's that for movie magic?

Item! The '60s are back! Yes, look around, and you'll see a proliferation of bell-bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts, not to mention people of all ages "grooving" to the music of The Beatles and The Grateful Dead! It's like the Lyndon Johnson years all over again, so you'd better get out there while things are still "uptight" and "out of sight." And remember to tell them that Jackie Harvey set you!

Can anyone spell Maiym Byalik's name correctly? Anyone besides her, that is! I'd like to meet the person that can!

Everybody's humming the Hanson song "MMMBop"! Except me, of course, because I've never heard it. Would someone be so kind as to send me a copy? I need it because my job requires me to stay on top of all the hot trends in popular culture.

And finally, I don't want to jinx it or anything, but a certain entertainment columnist may have a date next Friday. I won't give away any more, but you can be sure that next week you'll read all about it right here in this column! (Don't worry, Janice—I never kiss and tell!)

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