adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Another Blues Brothers Movie? Somebody Pinch Me

Item! There's some hot news down at the rumor mill, and I want you to hear it first, my faithful Harveyheads. Remember this past January's Super Bowl, when the bungee jumper was killed just before the game?

Well, America didn't let that tragic death dampen its spirits when it came to enjoying the triumphant return of The Blues Brothers! As you surely recall, John Belushi faked his own death, only to reveal himself to the entire world during the halftime show. Anyway, word out of Hollywood is that Belushi and Aykroyd are carrying that momentum straight to the silver screen, and does it ever promise to be a doozy! I don't want to give away too much about the new movie, but my sources tell me that it involves the boys getting the band back together... again! If you ask me, this is just what America needs—a hearty dose of laughter and some honest-to-goodness blues music.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, football season is gearing up, and so am I! My pick? Well, I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd say the smart money is on the Miami Dolphins. Why? Well, for one thing, "Miami" sounds like "money," which reminds me of the million-dollar catch phrase, "Show me the money!" from Days Of Thunder. Also, Miami is such a tropical paradise that who wouldn't feel like they'd just won the Super Bowl living there?

Item! Actor/heartthrob Crispin Slater was recently arrested for biting a man! Yes, it's true! But that's not the half of it. According to a reliable source, he was under the influence of drugs when he did it! Slater, known best for his roles in Heathers and Turn Up The Radio, had no comment, but I sure do: Why do you think they call it "dope," Crispin? Actors are already on top of the world when they make it into the movies. What would possess them to throw it all away on drugs? Isn't being a part of Tinseltown, the City of Dreams, enough of a high?

To Confidential In Canoga Park: Yes, that is the same Jack Klugman of Odd Couple fame who starred in Quincy. It looks like you've won yourself a dinner! No need to thank me, though. I'm just doing my job as best I can.

Item! Dishy actress Adrienne Barbeau is reprising her character from the Alien movies! Look for her to be machine-gunning her way into America's hearts once more this fall when she teams up with the big-eyed girl and shoots aliens... and to thrill! This should finally put to rest all the rumors that Adrienne died during the filming of Escape From L.A.

I tell you, the stuff they're getting away with in movies nowadays—sheesh! I mean, have you seen Porky's? Pretty suggestive stuff! I only hope that Hollywood keeps a level head and doesn't let it go too far.

Does Robert DeNiro ever stop? I mean, time and time again, he floors me with his great acting! The mobster in Donnie Brasco, the mafia don in Godfather II, the con man in GoodFellas, the gangster in The Untouchables and the criminal in Casino—sensational ability is clearly at work here! If he keeps it up, he's going to be the next Al Pacino!

Item! As I'm sure you know, Harrison Ford used to be a carpenter. But did you also know he hand-built all the sets for The Devil's Own? Yes, a little bird tells me that Ford was not satisfied with the work being done, so he picked up the old hammer and started whacking away himself! Before you know it, he had made an apartment set so good that three people still live in it today! How's that for movie magic?

Item! The '60s are back! Yes, look around, and you'll see a proliferation of bell-bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts, not to mention people of all ages "grooving" to the music of The Beatles and The Grateful Dead! It's like the Lyndon Johnson years all over again, so you'd better get out there while things are still "uptight" and "out of sight." And remember to tell them that Jackie Harvey set you!

Can anyone spell Maiym Byalik's name correctly? Anyone besides her, that is! I'd like to meet the person that can!

Everybody's humming the Hanson song "MMMBop"! Except me, of course, because I've never heard it. Would someone be so kind as to send me a copy? I need it because my job requires me to stay on top of all the hot trends in popular culture.

And finally, I don't want to jinx it or anything, but a certain entertainment columnist may have a date next Friday. I won't give away any more, but you can be sure that next week you'll read all about it right here in this column! (Don't worry, Janice—I never kiss and tell!)

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close