Another Lousy Christ-mas

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Vol 35 Issue 47

Woman On TV Engulfed In Animated Credit-Card Bills

BRISTOL, TN—Officials from United Home Lenders were summoned Monday to the aid of homeowner Tanya Irving, who was sighted at 3:12 a.m. straining under the weight of cartoonish, video-animated bills with scowling faces. "We were notified that the woman's home was overrun by bills, bills, bills," said UHL president Aaron Tompkins. "Naturally, being decent people, we wanted to help." Tompkins said that Irving may even qualify for some extra cash for a vacation or home repair.

Book Given As Gift Actually Read

LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient. According to reports, Long Beach schoolteacher Gavin Wallace completed James Gleick's Genius: The Life And Science Of Richard Feynman, a present from his cousin. "I was very interested in Dr. Feynman, after having seen a TV show on him last month," Wallace told reporters. "So, having some time to myself over the holidays, I read the book, which I enjoyed thoroughly." Wallace previously made headlines for his December 1996 consumption of the entire contents of a Hickory Farms gift basket.

Couple Always Like This

QUINCY, MA—Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a holiday party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Marc Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that—right in Radio Shack."

New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia, ruling that the bastard he deep-sixed had it coming. "Why would you try something like that with another man's wife?" wrote Judge Frank Mancuso in his majority opinion. "I tell ya, [dead bastard] Vince[nt Pitti] got off lucky, getting knocked off so quick. I seen guys get a lot worse than two slugs to the gut for the kind of stunt he pulled." The bastard's family has vowed to appeal the decision, saying they are prepared to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary, pally.

Beautiful Nurse Gives Teen Enema

HUNTINGTON, WV—A routine stay at Huntington General Hospital turned humiliating Monday, when Bradley Fiddich, 17, received an enema from shapely, smooth-skinned nurse Stephanie Goodwin, 22. "Oh, my God, I want to kill myself," said Fiddich following his degrading encounter with the attractive, single Goodwin, who rolled him over and inserted an enema tube into his anus, draining the contents of his colon. "I can never look at another girl as long as I live." Fiddich noted with alarm that while conversing with Goodwin, he learned that the nurse's younger sister is in his science class.

Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

CHARLOTTE, NC—Timothy Benson, 27, a self-described "fast learner and motivated self-starter," showed up for his first day of work at Williams & Broderick Accounting "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" Monday, instantly earning him the undying hatred of his new co-workers.

Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?

We Are Not Properly Following Robert's Rules Of Order

There is a plague of indolence across our land. Time is being wasted, bad decisions are being made. This would not be such a crime if the tools to prevent it were not available in any bookstore worth its salt. I speak, of course, of Robert's Rules Of Order, the definitive handbook of parliamentary procedure, which has guided deliberative bodies worldwide since 1876.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

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Another Lousy Christ-mas

How appropriate, during the season in which we celebrate the glorious nativity of our Holy Savior the Christ-Child, that I found my-self the proud papa of my own sweet little son! Giddy over the blessed arrival of N. Aeschylus, I vowed that the Zweibel clan's annual Christ-mas pageant and talent exhibition would be especially lavish. I instructed my man-servant Standish to assemble the finest entertainment in the Republic and to set up the old Nativity scene props. It would truly be a Yule to remember!

Unfortunately, the affair proved a disaster from the start. Shortly before the jubilee was to begin, I received a cable from my sweet-heart and mother of my child, Miss Bernadette Fiske, saying that she and the baby would not be able to attend the festivities, as her town was thoroughly snowed in and no trains were able to depart. It was a keen disappointment, as I was hoping to see both little N. Aeschylus and Miss Fiske for the very first time, and I wanted the little shaver to play Baby Jesus in our traditional Nativity pantomime tableau. But instead of canceling every-thing, I simply filled in for my son, and as I took my place inside the straw-filled manger, I declared the festivities open. "Bring on the entertainment!" I commanded.

The first act was none other than my own eunuch, Sandy, who performed the beloved and poignant carol "O Holy Night." But rather than moving us to tears, Sandy's disturbingly girlish soprano only managed to pierce every-one's ear-drums. I knew I should have mailed that eunuch back to Araby or where-ever he's from ages ago!

The second performer was a lady who billed her-self as a "performance artist." As she recited a lengthy diatribe about the "unfair patriarchy" and "systematic oppression of women," she stripped naked and proceeded to smear her-self with candied yams. I was out-raged. She completely stole her act from Fanny Brice! I remember seeing this exact routine in the Ziegfeld Follies of 1917. I stopped the act short and had her hauled off the stage through the use of a elongated cane.

The third performer was a comic monologuist, but the moment he began talking some gibberish about the poor quality of "air-line food," I promptly ended the festivities. Another Christ-mas ruined, and I blame this, as I blame all misfortune in my life, on the American people. Screw you all to the last man! I hope you all choke on your figgy pudding!

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