adBlockCheck

Any Friend Of Yours Is A Potential Girlfriend Of Mine

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Any Friend Of Yours Is A Potential Girlfriend Of Mine

You know that you're my man. For real. We've been through a lot together, and I know that you're good people. Likewise, you hang with good people. I respect that. And I want you to know that any friend of yours is a potential girlfriend of mine.

Seriously, it's no big deal. I'll go out of my way for any woman who's truly important to you. If they're good enough for you, they're good enough for me to take around town, get drunk, maneuver home to my place, and have sex with. I'm willing to extend that same courtesy to literally any female you bring into my field of vision. Coworkers, upstairs and downstairs neighbors, girls you hardly even know but think are cute—I'm happy to show any of them a good time.

I'm always there to hang out at your place, drink a few of your favorite brews, eat some of the food you love to cook, and watch the game on your big-screen TV. And when it comes to having someone around to slip the sausage to your close female friends, I'm there for you, too.

I don't even mind that a lot of the women you're friends with aren't that good-looking. If you respect them as your platonic friend, I'm more than capable of looking past the surface and seeing them as the potential piece of ass they are inside.

Seriously, if you say a girl's a really good person whose friendship means a lot to you, that's all I need to hear to put the moves on her.

I hope you know that whenever you have a female friend in from out of town who needs a place to crash, she's always welcome to sleep with me on my couch. Mi casa es su amiga's casa, right, bro? If they just want someone to talk to, my bedroom door is always open, man. I'm happy to be the shoulder to cry on as long as it leads to sexual intercourse that same evening. It's really no trouble.

That's why we're friends, right? If something goes down, I've got your back, and I know you've got mine. One hand washes the other. Or in this case, you introduce me to cute friends of yours and I exploit the situation for my own carnal benefit.

No matter what happens between your friends and me, I want you to know how much I care about our friendship. If I can be real with you for a minute, man, it's way more important than any relationship you may have with some woman I later got a hand job from.

Remember that one psycho girl at your party who I hooked up with, and then she thought she was pregnant for a while? (Shirley? Shelley? It doesn't matter.) Just because you've known her since high school and are super tight with her family and stuff, it doesn't mean you had any way of knowing she'd turn out to be such a lunatic when I stopped calling her back. I don't blame you for your female friends' emotions, man.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who your real friends are. The fact that Jennifer and Ellie totally flipped after learning I banged both of them in the same night just proves that they're not the type of girls you want as your long-term confidantes in the first place.

Now, I realize neither one of them talks to you anymore, and you'd been friends with both of them for many years, but I'll stick with you through thick and thin. I'm here for the long haul, buddy. You and me, long after all the ladies are gone. And that's a promise.

I basically consider you family. I don't call you bro without meaning it. Speaking of family—that time with your sister? Forget it. What are friends for, man? I was there for her when she needed someone, and I was out of there as soon as it got hairy. Just like we talked about: Bros before hos. I don't want you going around feeling guilty about how she went crazy after. You can't blame yourself because your unstable divorcée sister can't get her life straight. Take it from me: Move on.

Or that one chick Mindy, that girl you were really into? I'd hate to think it took my fingering her at your birthday party for you to realize how promiscuous she was—but, hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

No thanks are necessary. I'm just happy I helped reveal her true character before you got too close and ended up getting hurt. And by the way, if you want to see pictures of her naked, I totally had my camera phone going on the sly.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close