Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit!

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Vol 40 Issue 40

Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot

GREEN BAY, WI—David Horsted, 45, announced Monday that he's seen a whole heck of a lot during his 20 years driving a taxi. "Aw, geez, the people I've met and the places I've seen—the stories would make your head spin," Horsted said. "I've been from Lambeau Field to the Barhausen Waterfowl Preserve and every place in between. One time, one of the Packers even threw up in my cab, but I don't think I should say who." With a little prodding, Horsted said the person's first name rhymes with "baloney" and last name with "sandwich."

Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Agency creative executive Patrick Bergman authorized the use of a common proverb in a Subway ad campaign in spite of the fact that the phrase's true meaning undermines the intent of the ad, the 41-year-old reported Monday. "The ad slogan 'Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?' was perfect for Subway's free-sandwich giveaway," Bergman said. "Who cares if, technically, the customer had to buy 12 sandwiches to get one free? People know the phrase, and they respond to it." Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put "haste makes waste" in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy's white sale.

91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving

TEMPE, AZ—Lillian Reselman celebrated her 91st birthday Monday by continuing to do what she's been doing for more than nine decades: outliving those closest to her. "This amazing lady has outlived not only two sisters, a brother, and a husband, but scores of friends—and even her only son, who died in the Vietnam War," Oak Hill nursing-home employee Tanya Stoles said. "Lily is a real survivor." Stoles credited Reselman's incredible longevity to her "great endurance."

Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film

LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."

Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find

BOSTON—According to a report released by the Institute for Advanced Media Studies, good porn remains hard to find. "Though it's true that there is 350 percent more pornographic material on the market than there was five years ago, quality porn is as difficult to find as ever," Dr. Jeffrey Conchlin said. "Sometimes, you can find a DVD with hot chicks who seem to be enjoying themselves, but usually, they've got big fake tits, the sex is either boring or way too gross, and the setting is totally depressing. This trend is discouraging." Dr. Conchlin added that porn filmmakers are at least a decade away from seamlessly combining good storytelling with hot DP.

Debate Rules

As President Bush and U.S. Sen. John Kerry square of in the debates, they are following a set of detailed guidelines. What are some of the rules?

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?

Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to motivate Americans to go to the polls on Nov. 2, a coalition of irrelevant pop stars is winding up a 36-city tour that will culminate in a concert on Oct. 11 in Washington, D.C.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit!

Item! You never know what you'll get from a spin-off. For every Frasier, there are 10 Kramers. That said: How ya doin', Joey? Pretty good, from the look of the episodes I've seen. Drea DeMattingsly is a great comic actor—something you might not have predicted, given her role on The Sopranoes. The kid who plays her son is a natural, and Matt TheBlanc? He's going to be one of your "best Friends." The laughs are there, the hugs are there, and we get to see a more serious side of Joey. I predict a 10-year run for this show, and I'll be tuned in every Thursday to watch.

(The Emmys happened. Did you see them? I forgot to set my VCR again. Drat!)

Item! Is she or isn't she? That's the question everybody's asking. By "she" I mean Britney, and as to what she is or isn't, that would be married. She may have pulled a J-Lo and tied the knot with one of her dancers. But there was some hubbub over the wedding license—namely, they didn't have one. I for one think that if she wants to be married, we should let her. Celebrities in love are above the law. OJ taught us all that.

Speaking of OJ, you know what's great? The hotel breakfast bar. I don't get to travel a lot, so sometimes I just stop in at a hotel in the area, have some coffee, and read the paper. You should try it. It's like having a getaway without leaving your own hometown. But be careful! I had a bagel, coffee, and some OJ at a nice hotel atrium breakfast bar once, and when I tried to pay, the hostess told me the meal was for hotel guests only. She said she didn't have any way to take my money, and then she called the manager. It took about five minutes of tense negotiations before they let me go, and boy, was I in a sweat! I get the nerves just "sampling" a grape at the grocery store! So make sure there's a non-guest dining policy before you dig in.

Item! Dan Rather is going through a certain school I call the school of a lot of knocks. People in high places are complaining about a story he did about the president and some documents that may have been fudged. I'd like to offer a word of advice to Mr. Rather, if I may. Mr. Rather, as a journalist, I know that sometimes you get a story that's so good you don't want to wait to check facts. You just want to run with it. But remember—if a story looks too good to be true, it probably is. Next time, step back, take a breath, roll up your sleeves, and make sure those documents are real.

Now that I've got the dish—satellite, that is—I've been staying in a lot more and catching up on some of the shows I missed. One I've run across is the Grahem Norton Affect. I'm not sure what the "affect" is, but it's having an "effect" on me: nausea. Pure nausea. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it's a talk show where celebrities are trotted out to make coarse comments and berate the audience. I feel bad complaining about Grahem, who is gay, but that's not the reason I don't like him. It's because he's mean. I hate to see a valuable desk go to waste when someone who has experience in entertainment journalism could be out there "dishing" dirt without being disrespectful. (Are you listening, TV execs?)

You know who needs a makeover? Terry Heinz-Kerry. Frum-py! If her husband gets elected, she'll go down in the Martha Washington-Barbra Bush hall of shame. But with a new hairdo and the right clothes, she could turn her look right around. Terry, don't do it for your husband. Do it for yourself.

Item! Computers in movies are bigger than ever, and nothing is bigger in computers than Sky King and the World of the Future. You won't believe what's on the screen—a fantastic universe of blimps, airplanes, robots, and whatever. The ads look amazing. But how's the acting, you ask? Well, ever heard of a couple girls called Gwen Paltrow and Angelia Jolie?

Where did all the good commercials go? It seems like ages since a lizard asked me "Whazzuuup?" and tried to sell me some beer! Come on, Madison Avenue! Put your heads together and whip up 30 seconds of mirth. We all could use a good sponsored chuckle.

If you didn't change the batteries in your smoke alarm on the first day of fall, you may already be dead. Just kidding! But seriously, check or change those batteries every six months, and consider getting yourself a combination smoke alarm/carbon-monoxide detector. It takes up no more space than a smoke detector, but since it detects carbon monoxide, it makes your home twice as safe.

Well, that's going to do it for today. It's late, and I'm out of space. Next time, I'll let you know what the deal is with Fox News anchorwoman Donna Feducia's eye shadow. Plus, I'll explain why Sharon Stone still has what it takes. Until then, I'll catch you on The Outside!

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