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Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit!

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit!

Item! You never know what you'll get from a spin-off. For every Frasier, there are 10 Kramers. That said: How ya doin', Joey? Pretty good, from the look of the episodes I've seen. Drea DeMattingsly is a great comic actor—something you might not have predicted, given her role on The Sopranoes. The kid who plays her son is a natural, and Matt TheBlanc? He's going to be one of your "best Friends." The laughs are there, the hugs are there, and we get to see a more serious side of Joey. I predict a 10-year run for this show, and I'll be tuned in every Thursday to watch.

(The Emmys happened. Did you see them? I forgot to set my VCR again. Drat!)

Item! Is she or isn't she? That's the question everybody's asking. By "she" I mean Britney, and as to what she is or isn't, that would be married. She may have pulled a J-Lo and tied the knot with one of her dancers. But there was some hubbub over the wedding license—namely, they didn't have one. I for one think that if she wants to be married, we should let her. Celebrities in love are above the law. OJ taught us all that.

Speaking of OJ, you know what's great? The hotel breakfast bar. I don't get to travel a lot, so sometimes I just stop in at a hotel in the area, have some coffee, and read the paper. You should try it. It's like having a getaway without leaving your own hometown. But be careful! I had a bagel, coffee, and some OJ at a nice hotel atrium breakfast bar once, and when I tried to pay, the hostess told me the meal was for hotel guests only. She said she didn't have any way to take my money, and then she called the manager. It took about five minutes of tense negotiations before they let me go, and boy, was I in a sweat! I get the nerves just "sampling" a grape at the grocery store! So make sure there's a non-guest dining policy before you dig in.

Item! Dan Rather is going through a certain school I call the school of a lot of knocks. People in high places are complaining about a story he did about the president and some documents that may have been fudged. I'd like to offer a word of advice to Mr. Rather, if I may. Mr. Rather, as a journalist, I know that sometimes you get a story that's so good you don't want to wait to check facts. You just want to run with it. But remember—if a story looks too good to be true, it probably is. Next time, step back, take a breath, roll up your sleeves, and make sure those documents are real.

Now that I've got the dish—satellite, that is—I've been staying in a lot more and catching up on some of the shows I missed. One I've run across is the Grahem Norton Affect. I'm not sure what the "affect" is, but it's having an "effect" on me: nausea. Pure nausea. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it's a talk show where celebrities are trotted out to make coarse comments and berate the audience. I feel bad complaining about Grahem, who is gay, but that's not the reason I don't like him. It's because he's mean. I hate to see a valuable desk go to waste when someone who has experience in entertainment journalism could be out there "dishing" dirt without being disrespectful. (Are you listening, TV execs?)

You know who needs a makeover? Terry Heinz-Kerry. Frum-py! If her husband gets elected, she'll go down in the Martha Washington-Barbra Bush hall of shame. But with a new hairdo and the right clothes, she could turn her look right around. Terry, don't do it for your husband. Do it for yourself.

Item! Computers in movies are bigger than ever, and nothing is bigger in computers than Sky King and the World of the Future. You won't believe what's on the screen—a fantastic universe of blimps, airplanes, robots, and whatever. The ads look amazing. But how's the acting, you ask? Well, ever heard of a couple girls called Gwen Paltrow and Angelia Jolie?

Where did all the good commercials go? It seems like ages since a lizard asked me "Whazzuuup?" and tried to sell me some beer! Come on, Madison Avenue! Put your heads together and whip up 30 seconds of mirth. We all could use a good sponsored chuckle.

If you didn't change the batteries in your smoke alarm on the first day of fall, you may already be dead. Just kidding! But seriously, check or change those batteries every six months, and consider getting yourself a combination smoke alarm/carbon-monoxide detector. It takes up no more space than a smoke detector, but since it detects carbon monoxide, it makes your home twice as safe.

Well, that's going to do it for today. It's late, and I'm out of space. Next time, I'll let you know what the deal is with Fox News anchorwoman Donna Feducia's eye shadow. Plus, I'll explain why Sharon Stone still has what it takes. Until then, I'll catch you on The Outside!

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