Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

Yes, I've heard all of your complaints: "Can't The Onion have its own humorous picture joke stories too?" "We demand funny hand-drawn sequential exploits of New-York slum-urchins and mischievous German children!" The answer is no! A thousand times no! The Onion leads, it does not follow! I have steadfastly refused to drag the hallowed American journalism tradition through the gutter to pander to your base and prurient tastes!

Save for this, a one-time-only exception. I charged The Onion's staff illustrator and chief engraver to fashion a response to the Yellow-Kid, entitled "The Onion-Kid," which is visible below. They had the temerity to suggest it be garishly colored, but I blasted the notion out of the water. Color belongs on a prostitute's rouge-stained face, not in a news-gathering forum!

And this, dear readers, marks the first and final time I shall ever appease the ignorant masses with low-brow amusement. This is not Punch magazine! After all, if I were to fill The Onion with trivial comedic diversions, where would I run the robber barons' press-releases, or the advertisements?

Oh, and while I am on the subject, I also refuse to print any of those puzzles made up of bisecting blank boxes, in which the reader must guess what words fit in the boxes based upon a number of arcane clues. If you want fun and games, go to Coney Island!