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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

Yes, I've heard all of your complaints: "Can't The Onion have its own humorous picture joke stories too?" "We demand funny hand-drawn sequential exploits of New-York slum-urchins and mischievous German children!" The answer is no! A thousand times no! The Onion leads, it does not follow! I have steadfastly refused to drag the hallowed American journalism tradition through the gutter to pander to your base and prurient tastes!

Save for this, a one-time-only exception. I charged The Onion's staff illustrator and chief engraver to fashion a response to the Yellow-Kid, entitled "The Onion-Kid," which is visible below. They had the temerity to suggest it be garishly colored, but I blasted the notion out of the water. Color belongs on a prostitute's rouge-stained face, not in a news-gathering forum!

And this, dear readers, marks the first and final time I shall ever appease the ignorant masses with low-brow amusement. This is not Punch magazine! After all, if I were to fill The Onion with trivial comedic diversions, where would I run the robber barons' press-releases, or the advertisements?

Oh, and while I am on the subject, I also refuse to print any of those puzzles made up of bisecting blank boxes, in which the reader must guess what words fit in the boxes based upon a number of arcane clues. If you want fun and games, go to Coney Island!

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