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Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

Yes, I've heard all of your complaints: "Can't The Onion have its own humorous picture joke stories too?" "We demand funny hand-drawn sequential exploits of New-York slum-urchins and mischievous German children!" The answer is no! A thousand times no! The Onion leads, it does not follow! I have steadfastly refused to drag the hallowed American journalism tradition through the gutter to pander to your base and prurient tastes!

Save for this, a one-time-only exception. I charged The Onion's staff illustrator and chief engraver to fashion a response to the Yellow-Kid, entitled "The Onion-Kid," which is visible below. They had the temerity to suggest it be garishly colored, but I blasted the notion out of the water. Color belongs on a prostitute's rouge-stained face, not in a news-gathering forum!

And this, dear readers, marks the first and final time I shall ever appease the ignorant masses with low-brow amusement. This is not Punch magazine! After all, if I were to fill The Onion with trivial comedic diversions, where would I run the robber barons' press-releases, or the advertisements?

Oh, and while I am on the subject, I also refuse to print any of those puzzles made up of bisecting blank boxes, in which the reader must guess what words fit in the boxes based upon a number of arcane clues. If you want fun and games, go to Coney Island!

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