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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

Yes, I've heard all of your complaints: "Can't The Onion have its own humorous picture joke stories too?" "We demand funny hand-drawn sequential exploits of New-York slum-urchins and mischievous German children!" The answer is no! A thousand times no! The Onion leads, it does not follow! I have steadfastly refused to drag the hallowed American journalism tradition through the gutter to pander to your base and prurient tastes!

Save for this, a one-time-only exception. I charged The Onion's staff illustrator and chief engraver to fashion a response to the Yellow-Kid, entitled "The Onion-Kid," which is visible below. They had the temerity to suggest it be garishly colored, but I blasted the notion out of the water. Color belongs on a prostitute's rouge-stained face, not in a news-gathering forum!

And this, dear readers, marks the first and final time I shall ever appease the ignorant masses with low-brow amusement. This is not Punch magazine! After all, if I were to fill The Onion with trivial comedic diversions, where would I run the robber barons' press-releases, or the advertisements?

Oh, and while I am on the subject, I also refuse to print any of those puzzles made up of bisecting blank boxes, in which the reader must guess what words fit in the boxes based upon a number of arcane clues. If you want fun and games, go to Coney Island!

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